I use a tissue. A tissue of lies. 
A sock. Come on, they are already made for that activity. Slip it on, have your fun and put said sock in the hamper. No mess, no muss, no fuss.
A hand towel by the PC is pretty good. Just leave it there until it’s needed and I’m all set.
I’d never heard of Strangling the Bishop, before, and instantly my mind went to a dark and dirty thought.
I’m very glad that I was right in my perverseness.
Strangling the Bishop sounds like some kind of board game.
Some of the newer buses have cloth seats that are ideal for this purpose.
I don’t strangle the bishop, but I tickle the nun. (I’m a chick)
I generally fall asleep if I’m alone. Any result waits until the morning.
As I’ve gotten older, it no longer comes out with the force it used to, so it winds up on top of the hand I used. Wash it off, then take a shower. As I’m no longer 13, one shower a day works fine.
I’m a big fan of the Kleenex with Lotion. Keeps everything moisturized. BTW, avoid using the Puff’s with Vick’s.
Tissues
Since it’s headed to the hamper anyway, my last-used towel does a great job of protecting the chair from my naked butt and the desk and floor from my spooje.
And, apparently, he uses his hat. 
When we were in college, and had way too much time on our hands, we came up with an entire Holy See of euphamisms, starting with “beating the bishop”:
- Massaging the monsignor
- Caressing the cardinal
- Pounding the pope
- etc.
Another vote for in my hand then down the sink. Generally I’ll just wash the vicar afterwards, but I’ll take a shower if I’m going out.
weep softly till I fall asleep
I read this thread crossing my fingers there would be another wierdo like me out there somewhere.
Apparently not.
I don’t know if it’s the detergent my mom uses or I have radioactive sperm, but the first (and last) pair of light blue boxers I was ever careless enough to use for cleanup came back from the washer with an accusatory splatter of pink.
I’m still curious about the chemistry possibly involved in that btw, if anyone has any idea how some combination of baby batter and detergent can bleach and add a tint of pink to fabric, I’d love to know. Anyways, this proved scarring enough to my 12 year old soul that I developed a kind of mild phobia of getting my icky glue on any clothes, or stuff in general. So I turned to tissues for a while, and it wasn’t until not too long ago that a very interesting idea was brought up during a talk with friends.
Warning, TMI box: I learned to literally choke the bishop. First with my hands, but that kinda hurt and I starting trying to do it with the muscle in my gooch. Now I can do it with just the gooch no problem and there’s my mess free solution. :o
There’s no mystery to your litmus drawers, Mojo Pin. Bleach alone will turn blue pink. Why was there bleach in a colored clothes load?
As to your TMI, I have no idea what you just said.
There was no bleach that’s the thing. just my baby batter–as evidenced by the fact that it was pink in the exact outline of my splatter pattern. 
ok to reiterate, a friend told me that he never has to deal with a mess because right at the moment of discharge he simply clamps down on the…uh, bishop’s neck. So I tried that but the pressure hurt my urethra and then I figured out that if i squeeze my gooch hard enough, it will have the same effect. By gooch muscle I mean the muscle below your scrotum. It leaks at first but it gets stronger.
Ah. You’re doing Kegels.
Oh, you know, the usual…jump off of the bus and take off running from the cops…
I close the doper photo thread.
Pretty much what you said, although I prefer to wipe with a paper towel and polish with a t-shirt.