Struggling with relationship difficulties, as wedding approaches…needing advice/support

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

So, as I’ve mentioned that I was raised being told that negativity is not appropriate and my feelings aren’t valid so I quickly learned to quash them and keep them tamped down. I would often put on a happy face when I felt like dying inside, and never let people in to see that.

I am an outwardly happy person; and am generally pretty positive and encouraging. for most of our relationship, I really struggled to actually share my negative feelings. Or to bring up annoyances or frustrations. So much so that I would say “oh I’m fine”, “I don’t really get stressed”, “you don’t really do anything that bothers me”.

Obviously this wasn’t true - and wouldn’t be true for most human beings. I am the kind of person that wants to think through my thoughts and feelings as much as I can before making a decision or sharing things. I wrote out all my frustrations, my stresses, my fears, my doubts; how difficult it is being a stepparent; the emotional toll that reassuring and constantly feeling like I have to validate these people I had grown to love…I wrote about how I was scared and tired and wondering if I had it in me to stick it out with the relationship.

Eventually, she found what I had wrote. And it immediately invalidated everything she thought about me. Because I had put up this front that everything was good, but I was really struggling on the inside and didn’t tell her about it. She felt lost and confused and scared and hurt. I started going to individual therapy to dive into why I have such a hard time being truthful and opening up about my feelings. We started couples counseling to help with this too…to help me feel like she is a safe space for me to open up to.

The thing is: I always have had a hard time opening up to people. To the point of just feeling like I can lie to avoid conflicts or to avoid having to give personal details about myself, or lying to just feel like I am in control somehow. Or lying to myself and thinking “oh I don’t need to tell so and so about this or that, it doesn’t really affect them”…

Lying is wrong. But I would lie to people please and tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. I would lie to avoid revealing things to someone I cared about that might hurt them. I would lie to make myself not look like a failure or like I had made mistakes. All stupid, stupid stuff.

Like around the time when I wrote down my thoughts and fears, I would lie and say that I was working late but really I was just staying at work longer to avoid going home because it felt like it was the only alone time I had to myself before being bombarded with the needs and desires for attention of others. I would lie by omission, by not telling my partner that a friend had invited me to do something with them on a day my partner was busy, only for them to find out later and be pissed that I had not mentioned anything to them about it.

Lying to SO about setting boundaries with people when I really hadn’t, to avoid conflicts with them and conflicts with her. Not being honest about my feelings or wants because I don’t want to feel selfish or let another person know that they are bothering me or making me feel stressed. Just stupid lying. Not being my authentic self and feeling like I have to pretend to be someone that’s not me to get people to like me.

It’s stupid and awful and I feel horrible. But I have been in therapy for over a year now and have made great strides and am proud of myself. I try to honestly share with my SO how I am feeling, even if it really is “I’m good but stressed about this deadline that’s coming up” or “I’m annoyed and overwhelmed with the kids after this evening”…but after so much time of me NOT being truthful about all that, and lying or omitting information, my partner struggles with believing me and that feeds into their previous trust issues in the past.

My therapy has been super helpful for me. in couples counseling We are working and have been working on me improving my honesty and open communication … I still have those knee jerk reactions to people please and lie or omit to let someone hear what I assume they want to hear, but I’m a lot better at catching myself before I do that and retracting if I need to.

Hopefully that helps shed a little more light on the situation. No cheating or stealing or gambling stuff like that. But man, I feel shitty typing all that out and thinking about how stupid I have been and how dumb I feel for putting people in my life through this. And I feel that now on top of all the original feelings I wrote in the OP…

62

You and about 70% of the human race. Especially men.

How does your SO act when you DO tell her something true about what’s bugging you? Does she take it well, or does it usually trigger a fight? If so, this might be learned avoidant behaviour, since you hate conflict. Again, extremely common, and in that case the problem is hers for her reactions, and not you.

Being a happy person is not a bad thing. Not everyone is cut out to constantly share negaive feelings. I’m the same way. Upbeat and positive, I loathe fighting. Sometimes I will surpress an opinion or say I like something I’m ambivalent towards, just for the sake of marital harmony. That’s just called being a reasonable spouse. Not every difference in taste or want has to turn into an argument.

One question: Are you passive-aggressive about it? Do you have a habit of saying nothing’s wrong, but then acting like something is? That’s common, and something to work on if you do. The same with saying something is no problem then throwing it in your SO’s face later on when you are fighting. If you are guilty of either of those, there’s something to fix.

Where did you write it, and how did she find it? Did you leave it out for her to find casually, or was she snooping through your personal stuff? If she was, it suggests the trustt issues were there before she found your writing. Another red flag.

Just what boundaries were you supposed to set? Is she jealous of your friends? Why is she demanding that you set boundaries on your other relationships? Do your friends have a history of seriously intruding on your home life?

What has your couples therapist told your SO to work on? What problems with her does the therapist see?

What is your personal therapy for? Assertiveness? Learning to be more confident?

So far, the vibe I’m getting is that you are a nice person with confidence issues hooked up with a person who seeks to control you in every way, and you’re letting it happen and are miserable about it.

63

This was a similar situation that a friend was in. When he realized that he was only staying for the kids, he finally moved out (they were not married, but they were living together). It turned out to be the best choice for everybody.

64

So she violated your trust.

The lying and conflict avoidance isn’t good but, as @Sam_Stone says, it’s common, you have insight into it, and you’re working on it. What’s your SO doing about the fact that they snooped in your journals? People are allowed to have private thoughts.

65

The SO here is controlling the situation by constantly using the “but remember what a bad time I had with so and so., and remember how I thought you were fine and then you hid your true feelings”
This is low level emotional abuse.
Get out. It can only get worse. They’ve found your weak spot. And probably working on the next one about how you feel beholden to the kids.
Again…Get Out!

No one in this life is required to suffer forever thru a relationship that is toxic to anyone around them.

66

I mean, it doesn’t always trigger a fight. But my partner does seem to take it hard, like they’re being burden on me and that sometimes makes it hard to keep being honest about those types of things.

I’m not passive aggressive about it, generally I can maintain a pretty happy demeanor and let things go relatively quickly. But I guess the second part may be somewhat true. Not that I’m trying to hold things over their head, but more like in a fight (usually triggered by something I did or some way I acted or didn’t act that set off anxiety or uneasiness) I do tend to get defensive and throw that kind of stuff that was bugging me that I never really talked about back at them, more as a means of deflecting the heat off of me. And I acknowledge that and am working on it in my own therapy.

It was typed on a computer and eventually I shared it on a forum similar to this. Not necessarily because I was trying to hide it from her, but more because I was just trying to vent it out, gather my thoughts, and get some neutral insights and comments from others who weren’t biased or who knew us: as a way to consider different viewpoints before addressing it with my partner. They somehow stumbled upon it while searching the internet…and I didn’t post personal details but i guess I shared enough information to tip someone off that it was about us…at the time I couldn’t feel too upset about it, and I still don’t…because I openly shared it on a public forum, and so I can’t claim she infringed on my trust in that way.

I’ve never really had friends intruding in my home life, but I’ve been encouraged to set boundaries around my friends who have expected more frequent hangouts just to help me facilitate managing my job and family time and sleep and personal mental health. I’ve also been encouraged to set boundaries with family, who all refuse to accept negativity or straightforwardness and do generally have unreasonable expectations about the number of family events we all attend. So I am comfortable with setting those boundaries. I feel good about it. And honestly probably wouldn’t have ever done it without support and encouragement.

Our couples counselor encourages my partner to seek assistance with her anxiety and stress. But that tends to turn back to “a lot of that is stemming from NegativeZer0s lies and communication failures”…or my partner is encouraged to work on taking care of themselves and stuff like that. It does feel, if I’m honest, like I get picked apart most of the time and I’m the one mainly expected to make big strides.

My personal therapy is around three areas: self confidence improvement; setting and maintaining healthy boundaries so I can help myself relax and stop putting everyone else first; and working on not trying to manage other people’s emotions or

67

Like, are you saying that it could be some form of minor emotional abuse when I am frequently told “well I can’t trust you, because of the time you did such and such and hid your true feelings, and so I can’t trust if what you are saying now is even true”? Cause that happens often, even more so lately.

68

I wish I could message you a link to my old thread where everyone told me to leave him. And I didn’t live with him.
You don’t Want to, but if everyone here, being objective tells you so, they are correct.
Get off your butt and do it, do it maybe with a phone call so she won’t try to guilt trip you. Get a friend to come over to help you move your stuff.
You will be happy.

69

That’s it exactly. They’re using words you know to manipulate the situation.
And slamming you with guilt about what happened to them in the past.

You’re not responsible for the past that happened. You shouldn’t feel guilty for it. Feel sympathy, to a point. At some point they’ve got to get over it. And they will need to move on. It turns into a useful tool if it gets you what you want.

Feel empathy, til it turns into a weapon against yourself.

It’s a sick and dying relationship. Put it out mercifully.

70

Sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. It’s really tough, but I’m glad to hear you are happier now.

I would love to see that old thread, but I’m sure it’s filled with even more advice exactly like what I’ve received here. All helpful, all thoughtful…still, hard to get my mind and heart and gut to all line up with enough strength to actually do it.

Ugh. I hate the pit in my stomach all this gives me.

71

NegativeZero, take my advice: One sure sign of a manipulative partner is if she puts you in a double-bind:

If you express negative feelings, you’re accused of being negative, and she demands you suppress any such expression in order to stop “dragging things down.”

If you don’t express negative feelings, you’re accused of being deceptive, and she demands you express your negative feelings in order to be “honest.”

You can never win against such a manipulator, except to get out of it or at least call her out on it.

72

Make it easier by giving yourself a reward for it. Promise yourself you will get something you’ve wanted and it may motivate you.

73

Okay, here’s maybe a more charitable explanation for what could be happening:

Some people who come from abusive relationships or angry, loud families become conflict habituated. Yelling and arguing become normal ways of expressing disagreement, and they are reactive and fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. But it doesn’t mean much to them.

Other people come from backgrounds where even a stern look might be devastating. Maybe they had a warm and loving childhood in a happy home, or they have lived alone for a long time.

When those two get together, the first disagreement results in the combative one expressing anger, and the peaceful one being shocked at the response and then reacting as if it’s a really big deal, which it would have been back home. Then the reaction triggers the combative one into an even stronger or defensive reaction, and you are off to the races.

If that sounds possible, try talking it out. It’s a subject that isn’t really accusative so you might be able to have a rational conversation about how you react to each other’s reactions, and might be triggering each other.

It’s obviously not the whole problem, but calming this pattern down might help sort out the others.

That is, if you think things aren’t already dmaged beyond repair. Only you can decide that.

74

I will say in my (similar) situation I had to move. Boulder/Denver wasn’t big enough for the both of us. She started some stalking behavior and was threatening to slash my tires. Be warned.

75

I am leaving the thread.

It is rather traumatic to me to listen to the OP continue to defend staying with this person.

I wish you well there @NegativeZer0, but I’m not going to be standing here watching you self-immolate your future fueled by a cloud of furious gaslighting by your SO.

Run away. Do it today. Not tomorrow..

You’d be happier alone, homeless, and jobless than you are right now. She, plus the (probably inadvertently) complicit therapist, have gotten you so brainwashed you don’t see it.

Farewell, friend. Farewell.

76

Reflexive rejoinder:
“How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not “the thing with feathers.” The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.”

― Woody Allen, “Without Feathers”

77

I agree. It occurs to me that the OP may be using this thread as a sort of displacement activity to avoid dealing with the issue?

As the Rush song says: if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

78

Hope is the thing with feathers… which gets eaten by the cat.

Sorry, I hate Dickinson’s mimsy little pitherings. Like an adolescent who thinks they have come up with something original for the first time, not realizing that this has been thought of and been worked over by many others already. There is no wisdom in them. She should have gone out and got a life.

79

Pitherings=prevaricate.

Don’t really know what mimsy means.

I don’t think Emily was lying.
She was maybe an innocent with innocent thoughts. There’s actually nothing wrong with that.
And she said them prettily

80

It’s what the Borogoves were.