Circle of life:
Caroll himself explained that as a portmanteau of miserable & flimsy…
Pretty much my reaction to Emily Dickinson’s… output.
But we digress…
I see.
Well, we like what we like.
Cacun a son gout. or,
De gustibus non disputandum… etc.
In case you weren’t familiar, the little joke comes from Lewis Carroll’s ‘Jabberwocky’ - a poem I had to memorize in grade 8.
The Borogoves may have been mimsy, but the mome raths were outgrabing like a mother.
I would just like to quote this phrase so as to admire its beauty.
Oh, and OP, I’m another vote for “don’t do it!”
I thought this reaction sounded vaguely familiar, and realized that you’ve shared it with us before.
I mean, nobody is insisting that you have to like the poetry of Emily Dickinson, but this is starting to look like some sort of (very minor) obsession.
Didn’t mean to sidetrack with my Dickinson reference. Just saying that hope isn’t generally rational, and its value–and danger–lie in its irrationality.
There are occasions when hope is all you have to grab on to.
This situation doesn’t appear to be one of those.
He could get immediate relief by jumping out with self esteem and pride he has.
The other way will only get less and less manageable or cause more pain for everyone involved. IMO.
And just as well. However, I didn’t introduce the topic of Dickinson to this thread.
But once it was raised, my hackles rose. It’s one of those fingernails-scraping-on-the-blackboard things for me, that’s all. Let’s say no more about it.
I’m sorry to re-bump this thread, with the knowledge that I have already gotten an entirely helpful and unanimous bundle of advice already. Thanks to each of you all for your thoughts and comments. I am sure that this is a difficult and frustrating thread to read as all of you are probably screaming at me to “PUT UP OR SHUT UP” and are tired of listening to me drag my feet and offer justifications or heap blame onto myself.
But I am running on fumes now. And wanted to share an update, if only as a way to vent and get my feelings and worries out, because I am struggling and writing/posting is a great outlet for me to think and process.
Things are…rough. Not only did my partner and I have a HUGE blowup fight on Monday that lasted for two hours and got us nowhere, but then there was a family emergency and they had to leave out of town for the next fewdays…so their anxiety is now going through the roof because we “left on such a bad note” and she doesn’t know where we stand and doesn’t feel connected to me…our fight revolved around her feeling like I don’t communicate to her what I want out of our relationship, and that I don’t open up to her and talk to her about my feelings towards her or tell the truth about how I am feeling about us and…that’s all valid and fair. I’m the kind of person that likes to sit and think through things and process my thoughts/feelings/emotions in my head before even broaching the subject (which is an avoidant behavior, but my position is: why bring it up if I’m just being irrational and it would just hurt the other person?)
But at the same time, I feel as if I am backed into a corner: (i) if I don’t talk to her about it, she is pissed and anxious and mistrusting; but (ii) if I do mention how I am feeling, she is also pissed and anxious and devastated. Either way, I am losing.
I have to admit, as shitty as it sounds in the midst of an emergency, I felt sort of relieved when she decided to go out of town. I kind of felt lighter and able to breathe now that I’m just at home by myself (along with the step-kids). Still, I am feeling anxious and sick to my stomach amid:
- the constant texts and calls from her, with her wanting to “talk it out” and demanding that I be more forthcoming with her about “everything I am feeling”…
- as well as with her being upset that I have previously vented (and am even now venting) about our relationship issues and that I post and ask advice from “random internet strangers” instead of talking to her about it…
- and her telling me that we shouldn’t be together if I “don’t feel like I can talk to her”,
- her yelling at me and accusing me of cheating on her (I’m not, nor have I ever),
- being accused of “being shady with my phone” (I have no idea what that is from),
- and being accused of “being distant and closed off” and of “not giving her what she needs and constantly pushing her away.”
I just feel sick and exhausted. My work is suffering, I can’t focus on work or the professional things I need to get done. I can’t focus on relaxing and calming my mind. I try to lay down and read a book and can’t focus on it at all. I try to play a mindless video game or to watch a comfort TV show and can’t concentrate for more than five minutes.
I just want to walk my dog for miles and listen to music for hours…I have no appetite; but I’m also starving and craving comfort foods; I noticed that I have lost 10 pounds in the last 4-5 months (my fiancée even told me during our fight that I “look sick” all the time).
I am…suffering…and the worst part is, I am driving the kids to meet her this weekend (like 8 hours away) for a previously planned family trip…so I’m just…ugh, I just feel this weight on my chest with constant thoughts and feelings of “I can’t give her what she needs, I have caused her so much pain, my childhood trauma and communication struggles, and my fearful-avoidant behavior and my people-pleasing have constantly hurt her and driven us to fight all the time and I just can’t even muster the confidence to have a straightforward conversation with her about it because I know it is going to turn either into her screaming at me for never telling her about it or blindsiding her with this, or its going to turn into her stone-walling me with zero emotions and me feeling like an asshole, or her breaking down and sobbing and having a panic attack and me feeling like an asshole.”
I just feel stuck, with no wins. Damned if I do; damned if I don’t. And I have had a headache for what feels like a week and I am just so, so tired.
Here. You guys sound like a textbook example of … this:
I wish you both luck … whatever that looks like.
Chorus of a rather famous José Feliciano song:
Para decir adiós solo tienes que decirlo
(in order to say goodbye, you just need to say it)
.
as others mentioned: time to leave the analysis stage behind and move into the “action” stage.
I fear for you. You gotta get outta there.
If you don’t move on this it will make you ill, physically, mentally and emotionally.
She’s in a screeching tizzy about giving you any space to take a mental deep breath and think for yourself. Doesn’t exactly sound healthy to me.
You feel better and healthier without her than with her. That should tell you a lot about the toxicity level in this situation.
It really is that simple. When I was in a bad marriage, I dreaded going home after work. Now that I’m in a healthy marriage, I look forward to getting home at the end of the day.
Every relationship has rough patches. This doesn’t sound like a “patch.” You simply are not meeting each others’ needs. That not necessarily her fault or yours. It just is. Some people thing they shouldn’t leave unless the other partner is a monster, so they slowly turn them into one. You can leave because it’s not working, and still wish her all the best. There are guys out there who do like communicating in a way she desires. (or whatever other issues the two of you are having). There are women out there who would be fine with the way you interact.
In my opinion, you don’t need the drama of this, it’s not going to improve, and there is no way to fix it. I have had many breakups over the last 40 years. Not once have I said “I wish I had tried a little longer.” Instead, every time, it was “I should have done this sooner.”
Dude, you know what you have to do. I know you won’t do it. We aĺl know you won’t do it. You are choosing to make yourself miserable. You will either get a divorce eventually or die full of regret. That’s what you’re choosing. Only your therapist can tell you why. This is my first and last post in this thread.
Plenty of people do it. Divorced and break ups happen by the millions.
I think breaking up a long standing relationship never happens the first go around. It takes several breaks, reunites, breaks and reunites. Til someone has truly taken the big scary step of moving on for good.
This story seems so easy to fix. I think the OP should leave, like yesterday.
But, probably not gonna happen.
I think(just think, not know), the OP is trying to figure out and struggling with the timing and supposing what could or could not happen. On top of his guilty feelings, real or imagined.
It’s not easy. I’m sure.
I can’t decide between bananas or apples some days.
This whole thing has to be excruciating.
But seriously it’s time to pull up your big boy pants and decide something.
For all involved.
Only damned if you don’t. The good news is, afterward you’re going to be a lot happier.
You’re attached. You can unattach.
Be brave.
Just do it.