Your fiancée is mad at your for not expressing your true feelings.
Because she already knows how you feel. But she needs you to confirm it for her. Because until you do, she’s going to doubt her own intuition.
But she already knows.
So you just need to get in a room with her, close your eyes, and say it.
She’s mad because you won’t be honest about wanting to break up.
Rule Number 1: Be kind to yourself. Not to your partner, not to anybody else; be kind to you.
If this relationship is causing you to feel “sick and exhausted,” “starving and craving comfort foods,” and losing weight, then it’s time to get out. This relationship is toxic, and you will regret going through with any wedding. And as a lawyer, I can assure you that you won’t like the eventual divorce and the ensuing effects. Just get out now, get out right now.
Again, be kind to yourself. Put yourself first. Act in the best of your interests. You’re the only one that matters here. Above all, stop making excuses for why you cannot—you can, with three simple words: “I’m leaving you.” Those take courage to say, but they need to be said.
No way I could improve upon these posts. I’d like to join those wiser than me and stop viewing this thread, but who doesn’t enjoy a good car wreck?!
If you have any love or affection for those kids, you must leave. You may never seem them again, but please stop subjecting them to this toxic, arguably abusive, situation. It is actively harmful and damaging for them to be in this environment. As they watch and listen to what is going on between you and their mother, they are not only being emotionally and mentally scarred but their idea of what a normal and healthy relationship looks like is being warped.
Put the welfare of those kids first.
I’ve known couples like this, and although the obvious choice is to leave, I’ve been wondering if there’s a such a thing as couples who actually thrive on this type of misery? Otherwise, I can’t really make it make sense, and explain why two people make each other miserable, claim to hate being in their relationship, and yet never do anything to change.
I’m starting to think that OP is in that type of situation, and no matter what, will never get out.
It’s just relationship inertia, as far as I see it. Doing nothing is easier than doing something (at least in the short term.) Been there, done that, though not this extreme, just as a young relationship. In retrospect, I shoulda ripped that band-aid off a lot earlier.
Emphasis added…but this stuff really stood out to me. Thank you. I know it is important I hear this, especially because I feel so much guilt and shame for feeling this way, for considering everything that has been brought up in this thread…I feel ashamed at myself for continuing to people-please, to the point of making myself sick.
Life is stressful enough and I just feel like I’m stretched so thin and I’m about at my breaking point.
In my opinion, you don’t need the drama of this, it’s not going to improve, and there is no way to fix it. I have had many breakups over the last 40 years. Not once have I said “I wish I had tried a little longer.” Instead, every time, it was “I should have done this sooner.”
I’ve been married before; I’ve been divorced before. I agree that not once have I thought “I wish I had tried a little longer”…I wish I had called that marriage off sooner. But I think I also get stuck now, with wanting to avoid the fear/pain/guilt/grief and trauma that came along with that break-up.
Thank you for this reminder. Additionally, I am also an attorney and totally understand the devastating realities of divorce.
I think I struggle with accepting that this relationship could be toxic - that something that started out and seemed so amazing and exactly what I needed, could feel like this now. I worry that I’m overthinking and overreacting. I worry that I’m being influenced by too much that is out of my control (i.e., her anxiety, stress, trauma, etc.) Then I also worry that I am in control of what I can control, but I am allowing myself to be swayed and change who I am to mold into someone else’s idea of me.
I’ve never been kind to myself. I’ve always struggled with self-confidence and self-esteem. I’ve always suffered from negative self-talk. It is even harder now that I am an adult and struggling with “real life” problems…especially this.
I know I do! (Though I am NOT enjoying this one…)
When a lot of people who are truly objective agree, listen to them.
I made a thread like this a bit ago. Same thing. The Dopers are a smart bunch.
You will come out okay on the other side.
This hits hard. They were both too young to remember their mom’s previous divorce. But they are in the most malleable and shapeable stage of their lives right now…they have even told me that they have heard us fighting and that it makes them really scared to think that their mom and I are going to break up…that’s devastating to hear. But also, makes me realize how much they are seeing/hearing that we don’t always consider.
I can understand that point. Something that bothers me and sticks in my mind is how often we have fought over the fact that I have previously vented (and am even now venting) about our relationship issues in anonymous online forums/groups, or that I post and ask advice from “random internet strangers” instead of talking to her about it…she feels that is a betrayal and a continuance of my dishonesty.
My justification for that is it helps me not only vent and get my bad feelings and sadness out, but it helps me get an objective perspective from people who do not know either of us (and try to present that in as unbiased a manner as I can). It also helps me feel a little support, as I think through issues and concerns I have. Sometimes, it helps me reach a decision and I feel better about things and don’t need to push the issue further (online or in person). Other times, like now, it just gives me more and more to mull over in my head.
I view it as a way to gain some mental space and take a breather, to help clear my head before diving in to tackle hard problems.
^^Curious: what are people’s thoughts on that?
I hope I do come out of this okay.
You have no obligation to share with her these on-line conversations.
You’ll have to find the right words, but the message to convey is “I’m sorry this didn’t work out, but we will both be better off living our lives separately.” It doesn’t require endless discussions or soul searching. You owe her only an explanation. But that’s pretty simple, “We’re not making each other happy, I’m done. It’s better for both of us this way.” And that’s it. (easlier said than done, but you really don’t have to engage anymore.)
Sometimes fear that one may never find another lover/partner and therefore may never find someone else to experience “good times” and 'happy times" with can be a powerful motivator to just keep on keeping on unless or until the other person in the relationship decides to call it quits.
Am I missing something here?
What exactly is the OP contemplating here? I haven’t heard a single thing, other than she has some kids he sort of likes from another dude, that gives me any indication why he should stay with this woman at all.
What does “work out” even look like here? Like her depression, anxiety, and trust issues will be magically cured, the OP will somehow develop a backbone and learn to assertively communicate openly and honestly, and they will live happily ever after?
That doesn’t happen. Marriage only gets MORE complicated and MORE stressful over time as life throws shit your way.
Instead of thinking "If I wasn’t here, none of this would be happening to my Partner” you should be thinking “if my Partner wasn’t here, none of this shit would be my problem at all and I could happily go on with my life!”
The best part of all, the OP doesn’t really have to DO anything here other than stop preparing for a wedding that shouldn’t happen.
Speaking from experience, I 100% can confirm that they are hearing/seeing/internalizing waaay more than you think they are. They fact that it’s bad enough that they will even mention it… means they are in a terrible situation and trying to get help from you.
The only way you can help is removing yourself ASAP from this situation. Get the fuck out.
Yeah, I don’t quite understand it myself. The OP clearly recognizes that they are in a terrible situation but seems to believe he lacks any real agency to do anything to change it.
I think he’s also using his Partner’s kids as a crutch to avoid dealing with the issue as well. They aren’t HIS kids. As much as the OP may like them, it’s not worth putting himself through all this bullshit.
I mean I was a bit nervous and anxious about getting married much in the same way I might be nervous and anxious when my shift was about to go on the ice when I used to play hockey. I wasn’t nervous and anxious in the way one might be called into their bosses office in the middle of the day and finding him flanked by the head of HR and a pair agents from the US Marshals Office.
I said I wouldn’t make any other comments, but one question does occur to me that doesn’t seem to have been covered.
What is the economics of this? Do you each own, or at least, rent or could find, a place to live? Could each of you live independently on your own income?
Or are you basically supporting her? If so, it certainly complicates the matter.
To put it another way, what does the OP like about his fiancee? I haven’t seen a single thing that he likes about her. Is she pretty, does she make him feel better, is she a good conversationalist - like, what does she have that makes him even contemplate marrying her?
Great questions…we are renting, but I definitely take on more of the financial stuff. If we had to split, she could not afford to continue renting the place we’re at now on her own and she’d need to find a new place for her and the kids to live (likely requiring a roommate to help with rent/utility costs). So, yes, I do feel that I am basically supporting her.