Stuck out like a ... / alternatives to common phrases

So I broke my poor pinky toe last Saturday and I got to thinking that “stuck out like a sore toe” would be just as good as “stuck out like a sore thumb”.

Which reminded me of mr.stretch’s alternative to that common phrase: Stuck out like a sore dick.

Another alternative to a common phrase that I’ve picked up over the years is “serious as dick cancer” in place of “serious as a heart attack”.

mr.stretch tells me that both of these phrases are pretty damn evocative for menfolk.

I think these alternatives are as descriptive as the originals, and they get the same point across.

On a slightly different note, mr.stretch also has alternatives to common phrases that I think are just wrong and don’t make any sense. For example, when being asked a bunch of questions: Why are you drilling me? I’m not drilling you; I’m grilling you.

Also, I’ve always heard and used “dead as a doornail”; he says “dead as a doorknob”. I googled mine and at least it makes (some) sense. Where he got his I have no idea, though apparently other people say it as well.

What alternate phrases/idioms do you use or have you heard?

My favorite is probably dumb as a box of rocks, although dumber than a barrel of hair rates a close second.

Sticks out like a dick on a cake.

Lower than whale turds.

Dumb as a can of paint.

Sticks out like a turd in a punchbowl.

Dumb as a stump.

Dumb as a sack of hammers.

Similar thread from a while back.

My brother uses a good one…


(Alternative to Dick-head)

A few of my favorites are:

“He has the I.Q. of an average bowling ball”

“Tighter than a fish’s ass…and that’s water tight” (when referring to someone who is less than relaxed, or chincy, or a tightwad)

“Useless as a dick on a cow”

A friend of mine once tried to come up with alternatives to “get two birds with one stone.” He tried to think of what you would use to “get” two of other kinds of animals. The best one he came up with was “get two monkeys with one sucker punch.”

I didn’t make any of these up. I heard them or read them in various places over the years.

Cranky as a bag of weasels
Sticks out like dog’s balls
Head like a smacked arse
Head like a hat full of arse holes
Head like a sack of spanners*

*A spanner is known in the US as a wrench

Sticks out like a porcupine at a nudist’s colony.

In the same vein, there’s: “useless as tits on a boar hog.”

Sticks out like a tumescent teenager.

Okay, brainstorming here (maybe I won’t need an umbrella)…

…stuck out like [insert name of favorite NBA center] in a jockey’s locker room.

When someone asks how I’ve been, I sometimes answer: “Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.”

“Smooth as a burlap bag of hammers” (obviously: NOT smooth at all, best used when someone really botches a pick-up line or similar)

“As inconspicous as a tall tree in the middle of the open prairie.”

I’ve often heard “Does a bear shit in the woods?” or “Is the Pope Catholic.” The other day, my mother surprised me by saying instead, “Does a cat have an ass?”