Stuff that never happens to you.

I was at our county fair the other day and it occurred to me, after my neighbor’s father (who is a hell of a guy and whom I do not consider a stranger at all) made some comment while rubbing my pregnant belly, that for all the complaints and bitching I’ve seen here about random people wanting to touch all over pregnant bellies, that has never, ever happened to me.

So it got me thinking about other common complaints I’ve seen here and I couldn’t remember most of them so now I’m curious: What are some things that people complain about that have either never happened to you or have happened so rarely that it barely merits a complaint at all?

For me, in addition to never getting groped by random passersby:

  1. When my son was a baby, I never had strangers attempt to touch him in any way or try to pick him up or whatever.

  2. It’s rare that I see howling, stupid kids in public and I know it’s not because I tune them out, or whatever, because every time it does happen my son points it out like “Wow, Mom, that’s a bad kid.” And then I’m like “I know, right? If you ever acted like that, I would never stop beating you,” or whatever. Anyway…

What about you?

I hear a lot about how stress wears people down and makes them susceptible to physical illness. Even though I can fairly easily get pretty stressed, especially from work pressure, I do not tend to get sick very often from it. If/when I am extremely stressed and experience physical symptoms, it’s usually a sore throat. If stress/worry/anxiety causes things like migraines, ulcers and heart disease, thankfully it hasn’t happened to me so far.

I never wait on two lovely shapely ladies at work. They never say “You’re cute. Wanna party?” I never look at the lack of any other business, think “Why not?” and shut the store down, and we never go off to have wild monkey sex that would make Caligula blush.

Is it because I’m not cute enough?

I, too, never once had anyone try to touch or rub my pregnant belly, through two pregnancies.

During the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all these statistics and horror stories came about about women being sexually harassed, and I realized I never have been. All these years later, and still…not even once.

I know I have one other example, but just this second I can’t remember it.

I think the “Friar” title might be a little off-putting. :slight_smile:

I hear some babies and see some phones when out at the movies, but they’ve ***never ***been obnoxious enough that it detracts from the theater experience.

SemiTMI, if only by omission:

Every once in awhile over the last half-century I’ve been alive, I go to the doctor, thinking I’m sick and perhaps need pillies (or at least cough syrup and some throat anesthetic), and part of the conversation tends to go like this:

AHunter3: … and then the coughing started. I can’t get to sleep because after lying still long enough to start to relax and get sleepy, I have to cough again.

Doctor DuJour: When you cough, what color is it?

AHunter3: What color is what?

Doctor DuJour: I mean, when you bring something up. Is it clear or white or some other color?

AHunter3: I have never, in my life, at any time, “brought something up” as a consequence of coughing.
Which is true. Every rare once in awhile, when my upper respiratory apparatus seems thorougly clogged with wet gooky stuff, I’ll get the sensation of something moving around and coming loose when I cough, but it doesn’t “come up”.

Hey, good one! Me too. That’s one of the things I had in mind but couldn’t think of when I did the OP.

Despite travelling at least once a year over 35 years - so I’d guess something like 200-300 flights - I have never had an airline lose or significantly damage any item of my luggage, nor that of anyone travelling with me. Nothing.

My [then] wife once had her luggage lost when travelling alone through Europe; as soon as I joined her in Rome it caught up with her and she was fine for the rest of the trip. The nearest is when I and another chap picked up each other’s identical bag off the carousel, we met and swapped them back the next day.

And yet I think every person I’ve said this to has a lost-luggage story.

ETA: I realise this is pure luck, I’m not attributing this to any personal quality whatsoever. Except maybe I only have ugly cheap luggage?

You can imagine how much worse I’m doing.

  1. Until this year, I have never, in my life been overweight or average weight. On average, I’ve been about 25 lbs underweight for my height and bone structure.

  2. Never been sleepy during the day. I constantly see coworkers and students nodding off after lunch but I’ve never been in that situation, even when I’ve stayed awake all night.

  3. I’ve never been too hungry to concentrate or sleep. I often forget to eat or prefer going straight to bed rather than fixing dinner.

  4. Never gone crazy over a movie, actor, celebrity, singer, act, etc. I know people who camped out for tickets to something or just had to go to some concert. Maybe the closest I’ve come was going on opening night to Spiderman 2. Usually I wait a week to avoid any crowds.

Shamelessly stolen from a comedian whose name I have long forgotten:

PATIENT:I have a nasty cough

DOCTOR:Is it a productive cough?

PATIENT:Well, stuff comes out, but I’m not actually doing anything with it.

Dude, consider yourself lucky. Coughing up bloody phlegm is highly alarming and it can really ruin your day.

Having said that, I can’t recall anybody ever asking me about whether or not I had brought stuff up. Even the doctor I went to didn’t ask - I had to tell him, and he certainly seemed surprised.

I’ve never had terrible service in a restaurant.

Mediocre service, yes. Notably bad service, no.

I’ve never had a reaction from having the tendon in my knee tapped with that little hammer during a physical exam.

I’ve never had a broken bone.

I’ve never received a Nigerian scam letter.

My computers have never had a trojan horse or virus. I dutifully do scans and stuff, and keep my antivirus softs properly updated. Nothing’s ever turned up.

I’ve been eating meals in restaurants at least 2-3 times a month since I was a kid, every month, for about 40 years. I have never once experienced a child at my own or another table misbehaving to the point that it disturbed my meal. I’m not even sure I’ve noticed a misbehaving child in a restaurant. I doubt I have a much higher tolerance for it than the rest of the world, but I’ve always been amazed at how many posters so often have their meals ruined by unruly children.

I’ve never been discovered by a talent agent who subsequently made me a star. What a swizz.

I have never had anyone pick a fight with me.

I’ve never had my wallet stolen, even though I don’t keep it very securely.

I remember someone on these boards asking if the “Item getting stuck in a vending machine” scenario was real or just something made up in the movies.
They said in their entire lifetime they had never had something get stuck nor seen anybody get an item stuck.
That blew my mind.

I would love to serve on a jury, but I have never, ever, been called for jury duty.

All the stuff in the Penthouse Letters section that begins, “I never thought it would happen to me but…” have never happened to me.