Don’t worry, not a cry for help or anything, just bitching.
So tommorow should be a great day. I am starting work. For the first time in two+ years after much unemployment, crappy jobs, temp jobs, under-the-table jobs I finally have a real use-my-Computer-Science-Masters-degree-and-get-paid-accordingly-job.
For the first two days after I heard I was happy. Then the nervousness, after all it’s only a contract job and every day is an audition to lengthen the contract. The nervousness I understand and I am used to it. It occurs before every big event in my life. Unsettled stomach, nautious, dizzyness, and horrible insomnia. Standard panic attack stuff that I now know how to work around. To combat the insomnia I have stayed awake 40 straight hours, just so I can get some sleep to walk in refreshed and normal for the first day of work monday.
So tired I was about to pass out, I went to bed right on my planned schedule to get 9 hours of sleep. Then just as I feel myself slipping into sleep it hits. A random overwhelming wave of depression. I don’t think I’m depressed about the new job, ,it sounds like fun. I don’t think I’m depressed about anything at all. I am just sitting here trying to ignore the random feeling of hoplessness with no target. I get them occasionally, twice a year or so, and they usually pass within 12 hours or so. And they are not usually related to the expected panic attacks. But why fucking tonight. I lost all tiredness and my mind wants to sit around all night feeling all gothic and whiny, When I just need some fucking sleep to I can impress my new(and unmet) boss.
Crap fuckity shit. Oh well at least after two weeks on the new job I will have health insurance again and I can try to find a new doctor to see if he has any new ideas how to get rid of the damn panic attacks and depression tidal waves.
Have you tried CBT? Meds? Those are the two most scientifically validated forms of treatment.
If you are absolutely stuck regarding treatment options, and would like some ideas, email me (mine is in my profile) and I’d be happy to help. I’ve struggled with depression for 14 years now and am also a therapist. I know from flavors of therapy from common to super wacky.
Depression blows something much bigger than goats. Goats aren’t even in the same dictionary as whatever it is that depression blows. Being treated like a parasite by the nurses and getting stabbed in the back by the doctor doesn’t exactly help either.
Please let us know how your first day went. Unless you want to sleep right after work, which is completely understandable.
Also, this bout of depression is probably a result of staying up for 40 hours straight. “Normal” people tend to get depressed without a night’s sleep. Panic-attack people (me) are even more susceptible. Who the hell told you to stay up that long? Bad idea!
Nevertheless, I hope you had a lovely time at work and were able to get at least four hours of sleep last night.
Well I finally got past the crappy feeling, and got my mind settled enough to get about an hour’s sleep. I was wobling like a 12 beer drunk when I took my shower, but felt a little better after getting dressed. After that I really felt pretty OK surprisingly.
The good news. This job is awesome. The boss is great and flexible, my coworkers are really cool, the job is something I enjoy doing a fair amount, and the pay is great. I feel about 100 better about this job afterthe first day then I have ever felt about any other job’s first day.
the bad news. My boss was honest, due to circumstances well beyond how well I do at my job, or how well he does his, the chances of hooking on permanently are very low. The group simply probably isn’t going to be around more than a few months.
All in all though, as long as it lasts I’ll happily take it. And maybe I can make a couple contacts to tag along with elsewhere when the axe falls.
