Stealth bragging!
Like a dumb ass, I managed to get a piece of pencil graphite lodged in my finger. It’s still here, actually, and you can kind of see it if you look closely. Doctor wouldn’t take it out, as it’s on the joint, and removing it would be more or a hassle than it’s worth considering graphite is harmless.
Not me, but I’ll concede it was my fault.
When I was young, my brother and I had been sent out to pick some blueberries. We were bored so I dared my brother to snort a blueberry up his nose, which he did. Quite well too because the blueberry wouldn’t come back out.
Hey, I was seven and my brother was five.
Anyway, the blueberry would not come out so my mother had to bring my brother to the doctor, who removed it with some long tweezers.
Because if I don’t go and get my “vitals” taken, my husband’s company will charge him more to have me on his insurance policy with him.
I’ve suffered from a deviated septum my entire life. When I was 19, I underwent relatively minor outpatient surgery to correct this problem. It was performed in a clinic and I was in and out in a matter of a couple hours (maybe three).
While it was a minor surgery, it was still surgery. I was pretty banged up; my entire face was swollen to twice it’s normal size and I had mountains of gauze stuffed in my traumatized nose. I was taking several Vicodin per day just to take the edge off the pain.
After about four or five days of being house-bound and bed-ridden, I was feeling well enough to venture out (with the appropriate dosage of Vicodin, of course ;)). A friend of mine was having people over that night and I decided to join them. They were all drinking but given the fact that I had just had surgery, plus being on the pain killers, I abstained that night.
Well my good friend was wasted that night. I don’t remember what it was about but
we were having a heated discussion about something and it quickly turned into an argument. Well one thing leads to another and Josh, my inebriated friend, leans his head back and head-butts me smack in the middle of my freshly operated-on nose. :eek:
Blood immediately began spurting out of my face like a faucet. It was like 3:30 a.m. and I had to drive myself to the emergency room; one hand holding a towel over my nose of course. Pretty fuckin’ stupid, if you ask me.
My deviated septum is now worse than it was prior to the surgery to correct it, thanks to that headbutt. That was 13 years ago.
Good god, thats a terrible story! Not just stupid, like inhaling a contact.
Picked up a crying cat.
There was this cat the neighbor always left outside for long periods, and he would cry to people for food and attention. It got to be so bad we thought he was abandoned – hadn’t seen the “owner” for a long time – and took him in. He was calm at first, but bit me later – he was semi-feral and pretty cranky.
Seeing as I had been bitten, I went looking for the neighbor. I called my doc’s nurse practitioner, and she suggested I get rabies shots within a certain time period if I couldn’t locate the cat’s certificate…there was a rabies outbreak in the area, and the cat did have a split ear from some kind of encounter.
Fortunately I found the guy after all just before the time period expired. He was willing to show me the cat’s rabies vaccination certificate.
It had expired months ago.
Well, hell. The odds the cat was infected were low, but…you don’t mess around with rabies. You can’t wait for symptoms to show up – it’s too late then. And rabies vaccine was in short supply, so it was ONLY given out at emergency rooms, which charged me $100 for each visit and required several visits.
The guy disappeared a few days later and never returned, so I was stuck with the bill…and ultimately the cat, too, whom he’d left to fend for himself.
“What got me, Doc, was it the bat on the ground or the snake in the air?”
Good grief, Ambivalid. That’s terrible! I’m sure he reimbursed you for the surgery cost though, right?
I hear all my in-laws had to leave a wedding reception early and go to the ER because my S-I-L was nibbling on a grape and somehow scratched her throat. Normally that’s a WTF but with her you’re kinda like yeah, I can see that happening.
I had to go after carrying out the trash in a plastic bag. Apparently a tin can lid was what sliced me open right across the knee tendon.
To free your hand if you get it stuck in something, like a lathe or threshing machine, or wood chipper. That would be my guess for why they have a ring cutter.
On occasion, I get such a build-up of earwax that I’ve gone to the ENT to get it cleaned. I have no idea why he feels the need to show me what he’s pulling out.
ENT: “Oh my, will you look at this?”
Me: “No, I’d really rather not.”
I also went to the ER with my ears plugged up, but I don’t count that as a stupid reason because I had a cold at the time and the pain was unbearable. I had already tried to irrigate them to no avail, so I thought I might be losing my hearing from an inflammation. Turns out it was the wax buildup from hell, probably exacerbated by my cold.
This wins the thread, funny. A real rib tickler…snerk…
My kid lost an earing in her plump little ear lobe, the gentle Dr H was murmuring about surgery to get at it(oh for Pete’s sake) until the dread Dr C came in, he’s abrupt a bit of an ass, but he took control of the situation and pried that damn earrig out of the ear in one twist.
Random dumb things that have sent me to the doctor over the course of my life:
-Tossing a wooden shake around, it came down just right and rammed a series of splinters underneath my thumbnail. Doctor anesthetized the thumb, cut off half the nail and pulled splinters from the nailbed. While waiting for the anesthetic to take effect I was playing with his desklamp and smashed my other thumbnail in the folding arms.
-Friends and I were horsing around with hot peppers. Not knowing any better, when my eyes began to itch I rubbed them. Bad move. Resulted in a trip to the same doctor to get some kind of painkilling creme rubbed into my face and an injection that was supposed to reduce the pain and zonk me out, but which made me hyper.
-Whacked in the head with a corkscrew, causing massive (to a small child) bleeding.
-Chasing a cousin around at a party to throw a piece of candy at him. Slipped and broke my ankle.
-Playing “3 flies up” with friends on a wet, slippery, grassy hill. Slipped and broke my other ankle.
-Double malfunction while skydiving. I landed a partially open, spinning reserve canopy and wound up in the ER (muscle strains and bruising were my only injuries).
-Got upset over a girl in college and punched a metal fire door, breaking my pinkie.
-Playing goalie in broomball in college, both teams whaling away with sticks while my hands were down on the ice, breaking my other pinkie.
-Showing visitors around campus, demonstrating how tame the squirrels infesting our Quad are, “Look, they will eat right out of your hand!” CHOMP. Squirrel bit me so hard it drew blood, visitors just about died laughing. Had to go to the ER for disinfecting, get wound looked at, etc. Luckily no rabies shots.
There are more.
I developed a bump on the joint of my thumb. It didn’t swell or turn red, but when I tried to bend my thumb, I couldn’t, it was way crooked, and it hurt. Thing was, I was just about to head into the bush for a week and was unsure if I should use it, baby it, get it seen right away? I knew it wasn’t an emergency so I just headed to my Dr’s office, with no appointment, a couple of blocks from my house, to see what they thought.
First I was informed they weren’t seeing patients this morning, then the Dr said no she’d take a look, after hearing my questions to the receptionist.
It took her all of about 30 secs, of feeling my thumb, to say, 'Nothing’s broken, it’s a ganglial event!" Might well go away on it’s own, massage is a good idea, if it doesn’t clear up she’ll send me to surgeon as it will interfere with my thumb movement!
In and out, (and feeling tres foolish), in under 15 mins! (I massaged it and it cleared withing 2 wks!)
I’m sorry but this made me laugh for some reason. Thanks! 
At about age 20, I lost what I guess to be about 80 percent of the hearing in one ear, with the other one completely deaf. It’d grown gradually, over a couple of weeks. Had no insurance, went to the emergency room scared to death, and it was…ear wax. I’d been using earplugs to sleep, and tada!!! What came out was gross, but I was just so glad I wasn’t losing my hearing along with my already shitty eyesight that I was almost more relieved than embarrassed.
A more humorous one involves my mom taking all 3 of us little kids (3-7 years, I think) to the doctor because our poop was all weirdly coloured. It had…brightly coloured little nuggets in them, and my mom was scared to death.
My doc told us all to stop swallowing our Chiclets and that was the end of that. 
I had an ingrown eyelash earlier this year that became so swollen that it was making my contact shift each time I blinked. I ended up being referred to an oculofacial plastic surgeon, who removed the offending lash in less than 15 minutes.
Not along the same line as all of these, but my workplace used to have a policy that if you dropped below X number of sick days saved up, you had to get a doctor’s note if you called in. I’d had a nasty bout of the flu earlier in the year, and used up a big chunk of my sick time.
Sometime later I got a migraine. I don’t get them frequently, but I’d had a couple, so knew what it was and what I was in for the rest of the day. I called in sick. They demanded a note before I’d be allowed to return to work. Thing is, I get the visual craziness with migraines, and lived about 40 minutes from the doctor’s office, so I couldn’t go in until the next day.
Nothing like telling your doctor you’d had a migraine yesterday. No, I don’t still have it. No, I don’t get them frequently. No, I’m not looking for painkillers. Just a note. Thanks.
I got one of my contact lenses stuck in my eye. This was not an actual injury but it WAS stupid, and I spent the entire afternoon trying various things like flooding my eye with water.
Meanwhile I was having company over so I cooked and baked an apple pie and set the table and all that stuff, in between bouts of frenziedly trying to get that contact lens where it was supposed to be.
First of all, it was uncomfortable. Second, I couldn’t really see out of that eye. It made me cry, but the tears did not wash the thing out (nor did the saline solution I applied.)
Of course it was Sunday. After going to several drugstores etc. looking for the little suction thingies that allow you get get the lens right out of there, and two eye clinics that were open on sunday (2-Hour Optical), who didn’t have them, I realized that I had to go to an emergency room.
This was really stupid because I knew it would cost me $300 to walk through the door–to get a contact lens out of my eye–when if I only had the little suction cup thing I could do it myself. Those things used to be fairly prevalent, but now everybody’s wearing soft lenses so they’re a lot harder to find, as I found out.
The really nice thing was that the ER nurse was very kind and told me that if they touched me, they had to fill out the paperwork, etc. When I asked how much it would cost to just buy the suction cup, she said she supposed she could just give it to me, and bless her heart, SHE GAVE ME THREE. She said I shouldn’t use them on the hospital premises because even if I did it myself it would count as “medical treatment” and they’d have to admit me as a patient. I told her that since I was never there, that was no problem, and left. Got the thing out in the car, it was a huge relief, not having to pay AT LEAST $300 to, essentially, take out ONE contact lens was also a juge relief. This was about eight years ago but I still know the exact whereabouts of all three of those suction cups in case I ever need them again.