Stupid stuff you once didn’t know… or still don’t know.

In My Humble Opinion
101

:::Raising hand in the back of the room:::::
Hi, I’m a retard

::everyone in room:::Hi Retard, Welcome to Retard Anonymous::::
I have a problem with the left/right thing too. Until nearly 8th grade I would have L or R on my tennis shoes. 9[sub]in small print, thank you very much [/sub]Stopped doing it when I learned the basics of sign language and that my left hand is the L and crossed fingers ( for luck) on my right hand is the R for right.

I cannot do math in my head. At all. ( This does not embarrass me in the least, but it irritates my husband to no end.) Give me a couple of numbers to add together and they just swim in my head like fish on crack.

The concept of reading a ruler or tape measure is beyond my rational unless it is in metric. Metric makes sense to me for some reason, but the good old yard stick is usually " 2 yards and fuck if I know what that is…"

Until yesterday I had absolutely no concept of what in the hell two thirds was. ( My husband showed me by drawing a picture.) ( I was baking.)

Although I am a whiz at spelling, when writing an amount like $15 dollars in the check book, I cannot tell you if it is fifeteen or fifteen.

I have no concept of fractions.

I forget everything. (Which I’ve decided it’s Altzheimer’s now and when I’m 90, I’ll remember everything that I was suppose to, only no one is interested.)
As you can see, I have a math impairment. I’m currently waiting to see if I qualify for a handicap parking sticker.)

102

I would like to add, in my defense, that I completely understand the N,S,E,W thing and give directions in both NSEW and LEFT/Right. I rarely get lost.

I use to be in command of a very good vocabulary complete with $10 words and I knew their meaning/pronunciation and how to use them proparly in a sentance. Then I had kids and I think with that whole process of being completely disconnected from the world, having dipwad neighbors who have the collective IQ’s of kumquats and watching Teletubbies too much has dumbed me down considerably. ( I thought I was at moron level until I watched Monday Night Football with Dennis Miller and got quite a bit of his humor *though I cannot remember why I know stuff like that * I will be in mid sentance and forget key words. Like nouns.

What I mean to say: We went to the movies last night.

What comes out: We went to the…oh crap…it’s over by the highway…in the mall.( then I go into Charades). ( I cannot tell you how many times I have to do the " Sounds LIke./Three syllables, because I knew the word but it won’t surface off the tip of my tongue into the real world.)

I too, forget names, but rarely faces. I’ve learned to handle this by being frank about it. " Hi, I’m Shirlye, wo, who the hell are you?" Always gets a laugh and breaks the tension. If I run into someone from my non-nefarious past, I *always * introduce myself, because I know how ackward it is to kinda know someone but can’t place the face. I usually will say, " I’m Shirley. We went to high school together. I just wanted to say that I had a massive crush on you forever." This,naturally, does not go over well if you run into an old female friend. ( Although, it makes it interesting, to say the least.)

103

I’m ashamed to say that I never got the measurement thing down pat. How many pints in a quart? How many quarts in a gallon? HUH?!?!? The only thing I know for sure is there are 3 teaspoons in a tablespoon.

And another thing… I never know when chicken breasts are done. I always have to cut one open to tell. If we’re having company over, I always have to make sure that I serve myself the butchered breast!

Also, I can’t say femininity. I lose it right around the ‘n’. Is that even a word?

One more thing… I never learned which months have 31 days versus 30. I remember that October has 31 but only because of Halloween (or is it Hallowe’en)…

104

I like this thread.

I didn’t know Michael Jackson was black until 2 years ago, when I went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

105

I have a lot of trouble telling time on analog clocks. My friends know that if they ask me what time it is, I will stare at my watch for about 15 seconds, then reply with something like; “It’s ten minutes past half-past the hour.” If they ask what hour, I have to stare at my watch for a little while longer. I just don’t get them.

Strangely enough, in my basement, I have an analog clock that runs backwards. All the numbers are reversed too, the 1 is where the 11 usually is, the 2 is where the 10 usually is, and so on. I never have any trouble telling what time it is on this clock.

106

Ditto for me on both of the above.

On the measurement one, I also am pretty sure that 8 ounces are in a cup and 16 ounces are in a pound. Other than that, I’m screwed. I can never easily halve a recipe. I just make it as written and put the leftovers in the fridge.

I also always serve myself the butchered chicken. I have no idea what I’m going to do when I finally have to make the Thanksgiving Turkey. I suppose I’ll have to buy one of those little pop-up temperature things.

107

My only flaw is that I am perfect in every way. You see, once I thought I was wrong, but it turned out I was right.

108

Another Math situation.

When I was in 7th grade, I distinctly remember the math teacher showing us all about quarters ( fractions, I suppose they are called, but I would need a life line to be certain). 1/4, 2/3rds… I didn’t get it.

So she whips out four coins - quarters and says, " Four quarters make 1 dollar." Well, yeah, THAT I got, but I did not make the connection for quarters are quarters are quarters for years. My philosophy has always been, Math and money are two different thingies. (snort)
In my defense, I would like to state that my husband did not know what the larger footstools in front of poshy chairs are called *Ottomans *until he met me. ( Whenever he is right about something, I just happily point out this fact that I’ve enriched his life oh-so-much.)
I knew Michael Jackson was black.

109

Okay, firstly, I have an excellent sense of direction. I can always tell which way I’m facing and which direction I need to go…except in Salt Lake City. I went there for business about 3 or 4 times a few years ago and for some reason, I was always turned around. I can only figure it has to do with me counting on the mountains being on one side and they are on the other. Typing this now, I know I think of it wrong, but I can picture coming into SLC from Park City and seeing the entirety of it laid out below me in the valley, but I have no idea which way I was heading to get there. I think it’s East?

I say “meer” instead of “mir-ror.”

I never knew what days had 30 or 31 days, had never heard of the knuckle thing, never really learned the poem and, at 27, still don’t really mind or care.

I, usually, have excellent grammar. I can proofread text and mark it quite well. Though I tend to be verbose in some of my written and verbal passages, I use the words, 10 and .25 ones, correctly. I faked my way through sentence diagramming. I don’t have the first clue what a hanging participle is. I know what nouns and verbs are. I’m pretty sure I know what adjectives are; I think I know adverbs and maybe pronouns, but that’s it. Again, I can write, speak and correct language/text with ease, but just don’t ask me what the words are (type, not meaning). This board is an exception, because, frankly, I’m often too lazy to bother checking back through the document for errors/typos.

I can no longer write in cursive. Freshman year of high school, my English teacher told me that I should no longer use cursive, but should stick to manuscript. Yes, it was that bad. I’ve noticed that the more time I spend on computers, the worse my manuscript is getting. :eek:

When I was a child, my mother told me to eat the bread crust, because that is where the vitamins are. Just a few years ago, I caught myself on the verge of telling a friend to eat his crusts for the same reason. I actually had to think it out and process that it really made no sense. It wasn’t just an obvious “A-ha!” moment, I had to sit there for a few moments, finger in the air, pointing…before saying “never mind.”

I’m a pretty decent typist, but I don’t know how to touch-type. I don’t hunt and peck, but I only use the middle 3 fingers (index, middle, ring) on both hands to type.

I don’t always understand women.

I don’t know why being “conservative” is a bad thing.

I can never remember the code for inserting true hyperlinks. I have to go to the faq page every time.

I don’t know why CD’s still cost $16 (after 20 years) when you can buy the raw materials for under a buck.

Finally, I don’t remember how to do integrals or differential equations. I used to know how, buy I’ve not done them for a few years, so…
Oh, oh oh! I’m wicked bad with names, too! I’ll meet someone and a few moments later I’ll have to look at them and say, “I’m sorry, what was your name again?” It really sucks when I’ve been out the night before and my friend will say something like “Man, Jill was really into you last night!” and I’ll say “Um, who was that? The one in the ‘ass-pants’ (those tight-black, shapely pants…yum)? The one that was dancing on the lifeguard chair? The one with the really long dark hair?” He’ll respond with “No that was Stacy, the teacher. That one was Jenny. That last one was Madren…she’s married, jackass.” Etc.
‘Course, it’s also bad in the work place, considering I’m a consultant and kinda need to talk to these people.

110

city gent:

my father should be in jail for this crime. i have sadly inherited this trait, and my instinct is, why answer a question with the truth when you could possibly get away with an outlandish, complicated lie? i still worry things my dad has told me but have never been corrected are lurking in the back of my mind, like land mines.

for example, i knew what america was, my country, but when i asked what the “USA” was, dad said it was a great restaurant and bar. i was 10 or 11 before i happened to study a map more closely and understand. before that day, i would continually ask if we could visit the USA whenever we went on a car trip. usually when i was hungry.

-fh

111

USPS State abbreviations

Some are easy: NY CA PA

Some are tricky: HI (I always want to say ‘Hilo’ no, that’s a city.)

Some I have to recite:
AL - Alaska - Hey, it starts with AL, oh, so does ALabama
AK - Arkansas - hey, it’s got a K in it! Nope, Alaska!
NE - Nevada? Nebraska? New England?

UT and VT are way too much alike when hand-written!

Then throw in the provinces -
NB - Nebraska, no, New Brunswick? I never send anything there.
PQ - whaaaa? Why not just QU?

I hadd to tape them (with zip code ranges) to the postage meter at work.

Arrrrgh!

112

When I was a really young kid, we used to listen to the radio news all the time (my dad’s a reporter). Also, we lived in New Brunswick, which is why I used to think that Moncton and Moscow were the same place.

As a kid I didn’t figure out how to tie my shoes until way late in elementary school; I wore velcro shoes instead. Also, once I started tying them, I still couldn’t remember which shoe was which, so I wore red and green shoelaces. (Red buoys are to starboard and green buoys are to port.)

113

Screech, PQ is for Province du Québec, but it’s been mostly supplanted by QC now that PQ stands for Parti Québécois.

FWIW, Nunavut is still NT (Northwest Territories) because they discovered that NU is French for “naked”.

114

Actual conversation I had with a girl I knew in college…

Girl: “How does Western Union do it?”
Me: “Do what?”
Girl: “I mean, how do they have tubes connecting all of the different currency exchanges in America?”
Me: “You’re kidding, right?”
Girl: “Huh?”

And yes, it was a good college…and she graduated.

115

Thanks for the info.
::note to self - add Nunavut::

Where is Nunavut (east or west part of NWT)? Got a link to an on-line map showing the boundaries? All we have down here are US maps with the lower part of Canada [And the obligatory box with Alaska set lower than Mexico].

“Nu” - ::giggle:: ‘Does a naked dog have zen?’

116

I’m another with the names problem and my sense of direction really sucks. I can walk into a building knowing which way north is, take a couple of turns, and then forget it. I can stand there for 5 min pointing, spinning around, & retracing my path mentally but I can’t figure out which way is north.

Please don’t tell anyone this, but the other day my 8 year old needed to know how many days in a year for her homework. I couldn’t remember if it was 364 or 365.

I also don’t know grammer names except the easy ones (thank you School House Rock or I probaby wouldn’t know the easy ones either).

And finally (like you really needed to hear anymore) when I was a kid just learning about football I heard about the stat for rushing. I also knew that the guy chasing the quarterback was rushing him. Took me a long time to figure out these weren’t related

117

ooh, another one. until a few weeks ago, i didn’t know that a “package store” was a liquor store. i was talking to a friend, and he mentioned that another friend had started working at a package store in brockton plaza. so one day i decide to go visit him. i drove around for 45 minutes looking for the equivilent of a UPS shop. i never found it. 2 weeks later, bob had the laugh of his life when i told him the story. oops.

118

Nunavut is the eastern portion of the former NWT. Its capital is Iqaluit.

Here’s a map. The reason why the NWT is labelled “Western Arctic” is because this is a map of the riding of Nunavut, but don’t worry, it’s the same shape.

119

It was written by lawyers. Don’t trust it. All they have done is codify improper pronunciation of classical Latin.