I hope I can explain this one…
My wife and I recently installed laminate flooring.
The last board of each row needed to be cut down to size. We did a few rows when someone told us it looks better to alternate so that the short board is on the left, then on the right.
Now the boards have to be oriented a certain way to get them to lock together.
My wife says, “But if we put the short piece on that side it won’t lock”
“Honey,” I replied, “cut the board on the other end.”
I grew up in Yonkers, NY and decided to go to college in Cleveland, OH. At that time Cleveland was 487 miles from Yonkers. i don’t imagine the distance has changed much since then. I told him that I’d have to quit my part-time job to go to school in Ohio. He then asked me if i was going to live there. :smack:
Showing more discretion than I usually did, i admitted that I was. Meanwhile I was thinking to myself “Does he really expect me to commute 500 miles to and from school everyday?”
He being my boss, which I neglected to mention above. Color me a :wally
marque elf
Not much of a difference. 
Someone recently asked me to help her program her cell number into the contact list of her cellphone, so she could dial it if she couldn’t find it, and locate it by the ring.
First I asked her to repeat herself to make sure I wasn’t misunderstanding.
Then I asked her to think it through.
I still had to explain why it was a silly idea.
I had posted both of the following examples on previous, similar threads. But since it’s been a long while since those threads died (and because I have nothing better to do!), I’ll share them again:
Back in high school (which, for me, was waaay back in the 1980s), in history class, and we were studying the Protestant Reformation. The teacher was lecturing us about Martin Luther’s 95 Theses. One of the “less intellectually-gifted” classmates (a dumb jock basically) piped up to ask: “How could Martin Luther be alive all the way back then? Didn’t he free the slaves in the south in the sixties?”
A woman & I were having a debate on the (supposed) immorality of homosexuality. She kept insisting that being gay is a sin because it’s in the bible. I countered that the book of Leviticus is a long, detailed outline of rules & regulations, most of which very few people adhere to, and that it was full of imprecise, fuzzy translations. This woman interrupted me to exclaim - “the Book of Le-what?? I’m talking about the BIBLE!” Then she made an exasperated grunt and rolled her eyes to display her incredulity at my stupidity. Most of the folks in the break room at work knew what I was talking about, and we all sort of silently glanced at each other…
In college I worked in the clothing department of the college bookstore. I got this question more than once from girls who were trying to pick out an article of clothing to buy as gift for a boyfriend or brother:
“If you were a guy, would you wear this?”
Ummm… I *am *a guy. Thanks for noticing.
“That reminds me of deja vu.”
The context doesn’t matter. The fact that she never understood why we cracked up tells you everything you need to know.
Talking about religion with a friend when she said to me:
“I don’t understand how someone as smart as you can be an athiest.”
I interviewed a guy for a tech support position. The job was going to be mainly direct end-user support and hand-holding. I pointed out that people are usually kind of frustrated by the time they call for assistance, and asked how he would deal with an agitated or upset user.
Him: “Well, I don’t wanna offend you if you’re Jewish, but I live in [city near my office, known for its large Jewish population] and…”
Me: “I am, and you just did.”
Him: (silence) (mumbling) “Um, you can say something mean about Germans if you want, my family’s German…”
I finally said something like, “I’ve been called worse things by better people” and wrapped up the rest of the interview as quickly as I could. Watching him try to recover was priceless.
Said by my friend while we were at the local pool a few days ago:
“Man it’s hard to breathe underwater!”
Pardon me if I’m being dense, but I don’t get it. What did he say that was offensive?
I was once trying to pull one of those trick jokes on this girl who was reeeeeally blond.
I say to her, “Hey, did you hear about that semi that had a head-on collision with a henweigh?”
She was supposed to say, “What’s a henweigh?”
To which I would reply, “Oh, about six pounds or so.”
Instead of asking the “proper” question, she asked, “What’s a semi?”
I was once waiting in line at the supermarket. I was about 19 at the time, and I look younger than my age. There was a kid in front of me, about 8 years old, making a fuss. Some lady comes up behind me and says: “Is he yours?”
Not only would I have to have been one of the youngest mothers in the developed world, but I’m white, and this kid was black.
Yeah, I realized that that would be insulting myself as well, but it seemed kind of arrogant of me to say “up to and including post #37” and it could be perceived that my bitching is kind of stupid.
I was in a Walmart in Portland Oregon just before Thanksgiving many years ago. They had dry cured Virginia hams on sale. Since these hams are dry cured and smoked, they do not require refrigeration. Two ladies were looking at them
Lady 1 It must just be for a centerpiece
Lady 2 They couldn’t be edible
Rick They are dry cured hams, they are totally edible and quite good
Lady 1 but they are kept cold
Rick They didn’t have refrigerators back during the revolutionary war, these are cured, and don’t need to be kept cold
Lady 2 that can’t be right
Rick It sure is, go look it up
Lady 1 and 2 :rolleyes:
Rick :wally
I have this fax cover sheet hanging on my file cabinet. It says:
“Nancy, sorry so -----late. Call me if you didn’t receive this!”
I am not Nancy, and my fax number was not where it should have been sent. So I called the person up and said, “About that fax you sent, Nancy didn’t get it, I did. You sent it to the wrong number.”
To which she replied, “Nancy’s not here” . . .
Me: “No. The fax you sent to Nancy came to ME. You sent it to the wrong number. You need to resend it.”
Then I hung up before she could tell me to fax it back to her so she could send it to Nancy. Somehow I sensed that was coming.
(I threw away the rest of the fax. It was some poor shlub’s medical record.)
I used to be big time into card tricks. One time I was doing a trick to a total pot burnout. It was a “pick a card, any card” type of trick. And I was good. I pulled rabbits out of my sleeve and flowers out of my hat and did quite the razzle dazzle. I then got to the impressive part where I pulled out the magic card, and asked “Is this your card?”
I expected “Wow! Yes! How’d you do that?” Instead I got “Uh, I don’t remember.” This accompanied by the most dull and slackjawed expression I have ever seen.
[Cheech and Chong] “Dave’s not here…”[Cheech and Chong]
I have a name that’s easily misunderstood to be a couple of others when pronounced the way I was raised to say it. When someone on the other end of the phone gets it wrong and I spell it back to explain, more than once someone’s said, 'Oh, you’re pronouncing it wrong." Oh, thanks for clearing up something I’ve been doing for 30+ years. :rolleyes:
Most recent stupid thing said to me - a guy was chatting me up in my apartment’s parking lot and was asking what the demographic of the area is like and how he’d get along. I said, “Do you know any Spanish?” and his response was to roll his eyes and say, “Yeah, I noticed that!”
He noticed me decline his invitation to dinner as well. Skeevy pig.
I took drivers training with a guy who these days would probably be in a special day class. Everyone seemed to know that he probably wouldn’t graduate.
We had to wait for the car to come back one day, and he talked about how he wanted to drive from Ventura, CA (just above Los Angeles) to Houston for a playoff game. He’d just have to promise to make it back for the next day of school to get his parents’ permission.