This reminds me of something similar: asking someone to fetch an adjustable crescent wrench - a metric one.
I was shopping with my ex when we came across a bunch of models of the Venus de Milo. My ex scoffed at them saying, “Who would buy a broken statue?” Yes, he was serious.
I’m reminded of the guy who came in and asked for white toner for his colour laser copier. He had a couple of prints with him that led him to believe that his copier was “running low on white.” :smack:
I have one. It has metric markings (scale) to set the width. Though obviously it can be adjusted to fit English bolts and nuts.
A friend of mine told about working in the grocery store. A lady came in wanting some guacamoles so she could make guacamole. He took her to the avacados but she wouldn’t believe him :smack: He tried to convince her but finally sold her a couple of “guacamoles”
We have a well - the tank will refill, until the pressure tank runs out - which you don’t want!
Around the time the W. Mark Felt/Deep Throat reveal came out:
ME: And you know who they had on cable news talking about what a jerk Deep Throat is? G. Gordon Liddy! I mean, duh!
FRIEND: …G. Gordon Liddy?
FRIEND 2: Yeah, who’s that?
Thank you, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read today. Then again, I’ve been up for maybe two hours. 
This was something I said about two weeks ago in Midland. Nothing too stupid, but I wasn’t even clever enough to pass it off as intentional.
Me, my brother and two sisters were leaving a restaurant and walking to the car. We were in Texas for a funeral and we were all emotionally and physically drained from the planes and crying, so I wasn’t exactly the sharpest tack at that moment.
Brother: (Looking across the street at a painted wall) “Hey, what’s that painting?”
Me: “A mural of some sort.”
(My brother turns around and gives me an odd look)
Eldest Sister: “Thank you, Captain Obvious!”
:smack: :o
Mine from earlier today:
I was at work, updating a list of employees; monthly wage-earners, hourly wage-earners, those on leave of abscence etc. I got to the Maternity Leave list and actually said out loud “Wow, isn’t it strange that there are no men on this list?”
My toilet will refill, but then my pressure tank will be fucked. So, power outage = no ability to flush unless you go to the creek with a bucket = don’t do #2 while the power is out.
I told my sister I couldn’t pick her up somewhere because the car was out of turn signal fluid.
Yeah, having to deal with the pressure tank that no longer has pressure … ugh.
My sister honestly believed until very recently that Kansas was the country with the most tornadoes.
And now for some things heard at work:
<J>I gotta work on my stupidity skills. Cause you know I’m gonna try to go out for the movies one of these days.
<T>And those are related how?
<J>Well you know, one of those stupid type movies, like Dumb and Dumber-er-er.
<N> If I say ‘Butch, she kicked me in the nuts’, she’ll lose a testicle.
<J> Anybody got a writing… a writing thingie.
<T> What’d he say?
<N> Anybody got a writing thingie
<J> A thingie that puts out ink.
On the subject of palindromes:
<J> A man a plan a cananama?
<J> I don’t know her name. I don’t know if it was Janey, Jess or Jim… I mean Jamie.
<J> It’s a perfect square, it don’t got no corners.
I think that’s all for now.
You must not have a bladder in your pressure tank. I never have any problems with this.
When the water refills, it compresses the air in the bladder, providing pressure for the house.
One that I’ve heard several times is:
“I like singing, but I can’t sing.”
“Why don’t you try singing lessons?”
“Nah, like I said, singing lessons are nothing for me, because I can’t sing.”
…
At work…
Cow-orker: You can start this for me and then I’ll take over for you when I get in
Me: I can’t because we have (big giant huge project that everyone in my department will be working on) that day and everyone in my department will be working on it.
CO: Then I’ll ask (insert name of another person from my department) to help
Me: OK, but she can’t because we have (big giant huge project that everyone in my department will be working on) that day and everyone in my department will be working on it.
CO: Then I’ll get (insert head of my department)
Me: OK, but he can’t because we have (big giant huge project that everyone in my department will be working on) that day and everyone in my department will be working on it.
CO: You’re just trying to be difficult!
Me: 
CO: You know, you have a really bad attitude.
Me: CO, we have (big giant huge project that everyone in my department will be working on) that day. Everyone in my department will be working on it. It is on the calendar.
CO: I’ll take this up with (insert head of my department)
Me: OK, let me know what he says, but I bet he will tell you that because we have (big giant huge project that everyone in my department will be working on) that day, everyone in my department will be working on it.
CO :mad: :mad: :mad:
Me: :rolleyes:
Ah, yes…coworkers.
CO: “Did you get the email?”
Me: “What email?”
CO: “The one where you get (something from someone for forwarding it X times).”
Me: “Oh, that. Haven’t seen one lately.”
CO: “I forwarded mine. How long do you suppose it would take to get my (whatever)?”
Me: “That’s technologically impossible. Email tracking programs don’t exist.”
CO: “But it said…”
Me: “Not possible. They have no way of knowing the number of times it was forwarded because nobody can track them.”
CO: “Well, it might be true. I’m going to keep forwarding it anyway.”
Me ( trying to avoid :rolleyes: ): “Yeah, whatever.”
This doesn’t seem so stupid to me. Bottled or tap? Sparkling or still? Then the question of brands of water… there are all sorts of reasons to ask “What kind?” when it comes to water.
I must confess…
Hubby and I were admiring the large koi in the pond at the resort where we were staying. There was one particularly massive fish that seemed to be staying below the surface. We were curious to get a good look at him. My comment “He’ll need to come up for air sooner or later.”
:smack:
This one takes a bit of explaining:
I went on vacation this week. As part of that vacation, my wife and I went to the zoo with her sister and her sister’s kids. Part of the zoo was a petting zoo, wherein we made the acquaintance of two very fat pigs. The zoo employee there explained that they were lard hogs, rather than meat hogs, meaning they were raised for their lard rather than their meat. We found this interesting, as we weren’t aware that there were different kinds of pigs for lard and pork.
So, a few hours later, we’re sitting in a restaurant, waiting for our food, and we get on to the subject of the pigs. And my lovely and usually brilliant (but decidedly not raised in the country) wife wonders aloud how they get the lard out of the hogs. We break the news to her that the hogs usually won’t just hand it over; you have to kill them. She was stunned. Apparently, she thought (this is the best part) that they milked the pigs, or something, and the process of making lard was much like making cheese from cow’s milk.
Well, there ya go, one of the many reasons I love my wife: she makes me laugh.
During the big power outage in the northeast part of the US and into Ontario, I witnessed one of the odder pieces of behaviour.
My wife and I were driving home, and as the lights were out at each intersection, everyone treated them like four-way stops. All well and good.
There’s one intersection where we have to make a left just before we get home. Everyone’s four way stopping. Just one problem. There’s no lights there. Never were. It’s a T-junction. East/west traffic has right of way. Southbound has a stop sign. Peoples is crazy.
Why am I imagining this in the voices of the “ladies” in the Monty Python sketch about the penguin on the television set?
This isn’t so stupid if he were from Europe, or even from back east. The first time my parents came to visit me in Santa Cruz, CA, they wanted to take a day trip to San Diego (465 miles each way according to MapQuest). They just weren’t used to the different scale of distances here. Heck, I’m planning a trip to Australia, and you’d think I’d be used to large distance scales after living in California for seven years, and I still catch myself thinking the cities in Australia are close together, like they tend to be in Europe (which is where I’ve taken most of my vacations outside the US).
I was tracking for a group of hunters in Green Swamp, Florida a few years ago. Near the area in which they were hunting, there was an old fashioned general store, with farm animals roaming around in the yard, on the porch, and in the store.
Also near the store was some nature trail for hiking and biking. The trails seemed to draw “non-foresty, suburban yuppies” types who yearned to get back to nature.
As we were standing at the counter of the store, waiting to pay for our drinks, one immaculately dressed young woman gestured toward a goat and said to the gentleman she was with…“My God! That is the ugliest dog I have ever seen!”
Fun with City Folks, Part II
When in graduate school, I have this friend who was from urban St Louis. She arrived at a party at my house one Saturday afternoon, having just come from home in St Louis. She walked up to me with her face all screwed up in confusion and said, “Hawk, you’re an Indian so you know all about animals and stuff…” (yes, she was just that adorable) “Maybe you could identify this animal I saw today. It was like a cow, only real massive and it had these hangy-downy things under it.”
I, of course, was speechless. She now holds a Ph.D.
Stupid People: “When are you going to get married?”
Me: “Well, your husband is too scared to ask you for a divorce, so I guess we will just keep up the affair until we can make it legal and binding.”
“I keep using my handy-dandy Make-A-Man-Marry-Me-Club to beat men in the head, but I think I am going to ask for a refund if it does not work soon.”
“I dont know, but I just read He’s Just Not That In To You and I am enlightened and hopeful for the future.”
“My last boyfriend invited me to join his harem, but he did not believe in marriage”
“I’m a lesbian” (I tried to freak my Mom out with that, but she did not buy it either)
“Well, I ask every date I get that very question…I don’t understand what I am doing wrong.”
“I dont know, but I sure do need a husband soon…Who else will kill the big scary spiders for me?”
“F*ck Off.”
*u