Stupidest thing you ever did to yourself

In My Humble Opinion
61

I was pulling a large cardboard box off a van. It was made of very thick cardboard designed to be carried. The box had holes in each end to use as handles.

So I had my hand in the nearest hole, palm facing up, and was pulling with all my strength. Unfortunately I think the floor of the van was a bit wet or something and the box was hermetically sealed to the floor.

I was trying to overcome the hermetic seal by pulling with all my strength. Just then the cardboard ripped and I punched myself in the face.

I hit myself so hard that I actually staggered around for a few seconds with stars and tweety birds around my head. Seriously. I always thought the stars thing was a cartoon device but I actually saw them.

I’m torn between feeling stupid and being quite impressed at how hard I could punch if needed. Certainly left me reeling.
Another time I found an abandoned TV on some waste land and I wondered what would happen if I threw a rock into the screen…

The subsequent explosion kinda happened in slow motion. I saw a slowly expanding sphere of broken glass heading towards me. I managed to turn away and protect my face. Got away ok but then I was a kid then and kids always do.

62

As a teenager, I was riding a horse without wearing a helmet or using stirrups. It bucked and I went over the side and fell head-first, cutting my scalp open on a rock.

That was painful enough, but I was pretty lucky that it wasn’t much worse.

63

I once, when my electric can-opener died mid-job, decided to try to pry open a can of coffee using the nearest knife, which happened to be sort of ginormous. That was… not smart. I wound up with a pretty impressive gash in the heel of my hand, down to the bone where it meets the outside of your wrist. The heel of the hand is sort of disgustingly fatty and icky on the inside, in case you ever wondered, but surprisingly not the gusher you’d think. Due to the lack of blood, and insufficient caffeination, it took my boyfriend nearly two hours to convince me that no honey, a bandaid really isn’t gonna do the trick here, and to go to the ER and get it stitched up.

When I finally got in to see the doctor, he correctly surmised that it had been several hours, and as he rinsed the (fun fact - surprisingly abrasive!) coffee grounds out of the wound, asked what the hell I was doing for so long. He was amused by my response of “Well… first, I made coffee.” :smack:

64

I did two abysmally stupid things but fortunately did myself no real harm.

When I was a teen I read a story that involved someone supposedly self strangling using a rope. I thought this was BS and tried it myself in front of the bathroom mirror with a towel. I got the point of feeling faint when my grip loosened and I got my breath. At that point I realised that if I was wrong I would have strangled myself.

My mates and I were having a conversation about being run over by a car. Somehow it ended up with me maintaining that if a car drove over your foot it would do you no harm. This became a dispute between the people who agreed with me and those who thought your foot would be mashed to a pulp. To prove my point I walked to the curb and stuck my foot under the wheel of a car turning the corner. Nothing bad happened. Afterwards I realised that I had no way of knowing that I was right, it was just an opinion, and had the other guys been right I would have been the biggest idiot they ever knew.

65

Did you know the area between the knuckles in your hand, specifically between the pinky and ring finger, is also hollow? I learned this after the point of the V in Civic bit my hand as I closed my trunk one time. Split a little hole in it and I could see inside there!

66

Let us consider the motorcycle, and its brother the scooter.

One day in the 1980s I came around the corner near my mother’s house on my scooter. I came around the corner a little too fast and laid the scooter down. There was very little other traffic, so no-one noticed. I picked the scooter up and continued on my way. The only reason I didn’t have serious road rash is because my side landed squarely on my wallet: the friction ground away my jeans over my wallet and left a square hole big enough to fit the wallet through. I ended up with a big square bruise on that side, and all sorts of smaller bruises and scrapes.

67

These two aren’t the very worst, but I can post these.

Cutting the plastic strap around copy paper boxes with an X-Acto razor knife – the kind with the cylindrical handle. Open box, take out reams of paper, stack them, recycle box. Position next box, cut plastic strap, set knife down on top of piled-high boxes on pallet. ]

Overhead.

Knife rolls, like any pencil or pen. I hear knife rolling, realize it’s going to fall right next to me. Instinctively stretch out hand, palm up, to catch falling knife.

Knife impales my palm like a dart, standing straight up, cartoonishly.

Went to a week-long camping event attended by hundreds of other campers. Storm blowing up just as we arrived; rushed to set up tent; wind blew hard enough to snap the aluminum tent pole.

After the storm, we borrowed a wooden pole from someone, to replace the snapped tent pole. It was about tall enough, but 3/4 of an inch in diameter, and it wouldn’t fit through the grommet in the tent. We didn’t want to carve it down to fit it through, because it was borrowed. I had the brilliant idea to get a needle from the sewing kit and drive it into the end of the pole. Wrecked the needle, but now we could slip the grommet over it and the pole would stay in place.

One week later, we’re taking things down. Fun event. Lots going on. No one remembers we’ve stuck a needle in the end of the pole. Did you know that if you look straight down the length of a needle it’s almost impossible to see, especially against a dark mottled background?

Someone else had pulled the tent flap off the pole, but the pole itself was still standing, because the pressure on it had forced the end into the ground. I stood over it and pulled to draw the pole up out of the ground.

Pole flies up, stopping just short of my face, as intended. But I hadn’t accounted for the forgotten needle’s length – it smashes directly into my face, right in line with the pupil of my right eye. Hard.

Fortunately I am habitually wearing glasses. This thing carved a deep gouge in my lens, right in the center, right in line with my pupil.

Wrecked the glasses, thank God, nothing else.

68

Yep… Down there… :eek:

Let’s just say that studies that show milk does sooth the burn of capsicum. Gave “creamy thighs” a whole new meaning.

Things were “hot” around our house for the next few days.

69

At the tender age of twelve I learned three very important lessons:

  1. I can’t run near as fast on a treadmill backward as I can forward.

  2. It’s much harder to stand up when part of the ground is moving at 7.5 mph.

  3. A largish, freshly-scabbed burn mark on the side of one’s face makes for interesting conversation on the first day at a new school.

70

I was making hot pepper jelly with the peppers I’d grown in my garden, including Thai chilis, serranos, and some habeneros. I was wearing latex gloves as I chopped and de-seeded the peppers, but it turns out that capsaicin can permeate through latex. (Seems like it’s a bit caustic and after a long time with the same gloves, you can tell the gloves are starting to break down a bit.) I have to pee, so I put down the knife and take the gloves off. Decide to wash my hands first, just in case capsaicin permeates through latex. Wash hands, run to bathroom.

When I arrived in the bathroom, I realized that I needed to change my tampon. I use OB. The kind that does not involve applicators. You free the tampon from it’s plastic packaging and use your finger as an applicator.

I probably don’t need to remind you that capsaicin permeates through latex gloves.

I jam my finger into my special girly orifice, finish my business, and just as I’m pulling my jeans back up around my waist, the slow burn starts… up, inside there… where all the soft, delicate girly tissues live. :eek: Oh. My God. At first, it’s not too bad, but after a minute or two…

I had to go sit down in the living room and noticed immediately that the capsaicin causes, er, shall we say, a woman’s natural lubrication to increase (probably in an effort to cleanse the capsaicin out of my body asap). So the slightest movement caused the horrible burning sensation to spread. And intensify.

I could not move for a good 30 minutes. Just sat there on the couch, with the remote in my hand, waiting for my body to flush itself out.

Henceforth, whenever I’m working with peppers, I change the gloves about every 20 minutes or so.

71

When I was a kid, my friend Ron bet me a quarter that I couldn’t ride my bike off of our newly built Evel-Kneivel-type-jump-ramp.

While holding his cat.

I made the jump, but Ron got the quarter on a technicality, as I tipped over to my right in mid-air, and landed sideways.

On top of his cat.

Ron had to go get help, as I was unable to get up, what with all of the bleeding and having various body parts wedged into various bicycle parts.

Cat never came back.

72

For the record I’m female. From a very early age I was warned never to touch the element on the electric fire when it was on. I knew that when it was off and the element looked grey it was cold. So this one time, still very young, I waited after it was switched off til just after the red glow faded to grey, reached through the guard and touched it to see if grey meant cold. It doesn’t and my screams brought adults running from everywhere.

Teenager, working on an archaeological site in very hot weather, I was warned about the hazards of walking around bare foot. But it was *so *hot I took to taking my plimsolls off while I was crouched in my trench (someone’s grave actually) and putting them back on to walk around. Only I inevitable forgot, tripped over a mattock and took a thin slice off one of my toes. I never told anyone cos I didn’t want a telling off.

Not my idiocy but I was very nearly the victim. I used to walk this pair of alsation dogs who loved to chase after sticks, the bigger the better. So my mate had taken to hurling logs for them, as heavy as he could toss. So one time he let go of the log too soon and it was coming straight for my head. Luckily I had turned around to watch and my reflexes are good. I had time enough to duck just low enough that the log went over my head – only just enough, I felt it part my hair. From my point of view the look on my mates face was hilarious, he was convinced it was going to hit me whilst I was confident I was ducking fast enough that it wouldn’t “Omg you thought you’d killed me, that’s so funny!”. Hmm.

Finally minor hijack re capsicum and Deep Heat type ointments, I’ve found that facial cleansing creams are excellent for getting them off the skin. Not sure how you could have managed the tampon incident mind…

73

Chlorine gas, it can be fatal, this sounds like more of a close call than the train was.

74

You are correct, sir. It was carbide that I meant. :smack:

75

Probably changing to fresh latex gloves, like the girly doc wears, would probably address the conundrum.
:smack:

76

Now that I think of them, there’s lots. A snapshot:

Idiot Young Snickers #1
I was idly playing with the cigarette lighter in the car while Mom ran in to do something quick. Popped it in - cool! It pops out - cool! Pull it out, it’s red - neato! Is it hot? I had the little bulls-eye pattern on my thumb for seriously a month.

Idiot Young Snickers #2
I’m wanting some yogurt for an after-school snack, and we’ve got a set of those 6 packs that are all joined together. Instead of doing the smart thing and just popping them apart, I want to preserve the pack, so to speak, so I’m going to cut out only the one I want. Using a large knife. I still have the small white scar on the inside of my third finger, going on 20 years later. Bled everywhere - I’m lucky my sister didn’t faint on me.

Idiot Snickers #3
I’m in analytical chemistry lab, but I’m not certain which is the ammonia and which is the distilled water. I love chemistry, I’ve been studying it for years, but contrary to all safety guidelines I pull my saturated cheesecloth up to my face and take a big 'ol sniff. The ammonia fumes knocked out my system so badly that I couldn’t even see for a couple of seconds there. Always waft, kids, always waft.

Idiot Snickers #4
We’re “up nort” at a nice resort with Mr. Snicks’ parents. It’s dark, and I’m drunk. And decide to take a look at the stars. So I head outside, and promptly take a header over the 12" diameter logs placed outside as parking curbs. Tear up the new pants. Oh well, dust off, I’m OK. Mr. Snicks comes out, and we’re going to go down by the lake for better viewing. I go first, and totally forget about the 3 foot ditch at the bottom of the hill that you need to use the bridge to navigate successfully. Fall straight into the damn hole. Which I can’t see, because it’s pitch black. Most falls that I’ve had I’ve kind of expected - after all, you can see it coming, usually. Those unexpected ones are nasty. Chipped a couple of my front teeth that time, and had to endure taunts from co-workers when I had to schedule an emergency dental appointment to get them addressed. Much shame.

Idiot Snickers #5
I’m preparing dinner using the mandoline to thinly slice some potatoes. “I should really grab the hand guard,” I think. “Just a couple more passes.” Zing! Nice oval slice taken out of the tip of my thumb. Ouch.

77

Exact same situation, except it started with a slow leak, I smelled the freon, and kept hammering, because I’m an idiot.

ssssssss THUNK ssssssss THUNK sssssss THUNK FFFFFFFFFFFFF and I got face full of freon. Yum!

Probably the dumbest single thing I did to myself physically was when I was about 5 - my dad was cooking on a Weber charcoal grill (one of the ones with ~3 ft tall legs) and told me (of the side of the metal casing), “Don’t touch that, it’s very hot” which to my 5 year old ears meant “Touch that for me, and find out how hot it is.” Which I did.

78

I worked in a deli and had something similar happen.

It was similar in this sense, too. From “huh, that didn’t quite feel right” to “holy fucking fuckery!”

I still have a souvenier.

79

Many, many years ago, I had to take a sort of “Introduction to engine maintenance” class.

For teaching purposes, the school had taken out a truck diesel engine and mounted it in a frame at reasonably convenient work height. My lab partner and I had successfully diagnosed a compression problem in the #1 cylinder. Next step: Pull out the piston and replace the piston rings.

The engine pan was removed with great care and attention, as was the engine head. Now, to undo the connecting rod bolts - no problem there - and let’s get the bearing cap off. Damn thing won’t budge. Carefully holding the cap up, just in case, I slide under the engine to look. Nope, all bolts are out, all it needs is a slight tap with a hammer. Keeping a close eye on the bearing cap, I reach for a hammer - with the hand formerly used to hold the bearing cap. (This was the stupid bit. Everything thereafter just sorta unfolded.)

At this exact moment in time, gravity wakes up and the damn thing comes loose.

I am on my back and looking at 2 pounds of machined steel in free fall, aimed directly at my forehead. With lightning reflexes, I jerk my head sideways. Did I mention the frame holding up the engine? The sturdy, secure, angle-iron frame? Left temple connected with the frame, with as much force as my survival instincts could put into it, which turns out to be a lot. Milliseconds after, the bearing cap - remember the bearing cap? - makes contact with the right side of ny forehead. Good, clean hit.

I am not even going to mention my head making contact with the concrete floor, it felt like a caress in comparison.

Explaining the chain of events was a bitch, too.

80

I wasn’t sure 100% sure where I was going while bicycling one time, but no problem I thought, I have google maps on my Android! Stares at the small screen for a few seconds OMGtree! AAAaaah!!

I swerved enough to avoid a head-on but a handlebar hit the trunk and sent me flying a few feet off the bike. I landed pretty hard on one elbow but otherwise had no injuries. I’m not sure what exactly I did to that elbow, as it never ached or hurt when I moved but was extremely sore to the touch for about 2 weeks. Anyway, lucky!