Al Sharpton: “I’m running for President”
Bill Clinton: “I did not have sex with that woman”
George Bush: Virtually anything he says anymore.
My oh my, have my views changed or what?
Sitting in a group where there had, admittedly, been some drinking done, one person was telling us anecdotes of his experiences working in the morgue.
He detailed that one of his most embarrassing moments was that, having just hosed down the floors, he had left off the drain covers. While waiting for the floors to dry, he started carrying the organs from an autopsy to the lab for analysis.
He slipped on the damp tiles, and dropped the pan he was carrying with the brain on it. The pan skittered across the floor, and dumped the brain down the open drain. It was gone. No practical way to get it back.
Thinking quickly, he finished up and replaced the drain covers, and left the lab quietly, leaving the missing brain as a mystery for the ages. When asked about the missing brain, he told them that it had been taken to the lab and must have gone missing from there.
After quietly contemplating this for a few seconds, his girlfriend spoke.
“When the guy woke up, was he pissed off that they’d lost his brain?”
It took several moments for us to realise that she was serious. A few more to convince her that the guy wouldn’t be missing his brain all that much…
“Traditionally, most of our imports come from overseas.”
– Kep Enderby, Australian politician.
Dr. Laura, “I am my kid’s mom.”
Well, d’uh.
**We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
– Arab News report
I do not like this word bomb. It is not a bomb; it is a device which is exploding.
–Jacques Le Blanc, French Ambassader, describing France’s nuclear testing
We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave danger they will be misinterpreted.
–H. R. Haldeman, in his own defense
We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.
– Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a fight during a hockey game
I’m for abolishing and doing away with redundancy.
– J. Curtis McKay, Wisconsin State Elections Board**
Dr. Laura tends to identify a person’s parents as whoever is actually taking care of them. To be a “mom” you’d have to be dedicated to them and not just a contributor of DNA. Also, needless to say, you can’t be a lesbian and also be a mom, cause that’s just crazy.
My niece’s ex, to the judge at a child support hearing.
News flash: Not every spoken phrase is meant to be taken seriously. The next time you find yourself in a casual conversation, notice that many things people say are silly, meaningless, or just plain wrong, but anyone with a little perspective can see they are not meant literally. Constantly challenging these minor rejoinders and comments is, to me, the mark of an annoying butthole.
Not all of the examples posted here fall under that category, but many do.
But that should be apparent to anyone who’s ever seen a game of baseball. First of all a tie game means nothing because every game starts out tied. Every batter who comes up is the potential winning run until there’s a score, and if the score differers by one then every batter (on the losing team) becomes the potential tying run. It’s just a vapid, stupid thing to say and it’s only said when they can’t think of anything else to say to fill air time.
**
No they want the blabbering guys to shut up so they can watch baseball. Where did the “seven games” come from? Are those seven games relevent? No, they have absolutely no bearing on the current at-bat or if they player is on a streak or not. Were those last seven games against teams with poor fielding? Against bad pitchers? What if they chose the last six games? Or the last 8 games? Both would be a completely different average which might be higher OR lower. If they say “Career, So-and-So hits .375 from this side of the plate against this pitcher” and he is in fact hitting from that side of the plate against that pitcher, that is relevent. Even if they say something like “strangely enough, this batter usually hits a home run on Thursdays when he has sausage for breakfast” and it is a Thursday in which he had sausage for breakfast, THAT is relevent. But, to say something like “he’s been on base 20 out of 30 at-bats in the month of June” is meaningless. The baseball season is not the month of June, one game is not the month of June, and one at-bat is not the month of June.
I also think it’s stupid to sing “Take me out to the ballgame” when we’re already there.
Another, not strictly in the spirit of the OP, but the best I’ve heard personally in a loooong time:
A few nights ago, I mentioned to some friends that I had eaten the previous night at a place called Cafe Vienna. One girl furrowed her brow, thought for a moment, and asked, “Is that deer meat?”
I must confess, to my shame, it took me a few seconds to grasp what she was asking…
From sources too numer ous to mention whenever anything is mislaid
‘It’ll be in the last place that you look’
Of course it will! When I find it I stop looking
Carl, I think a lot of people use it in that way, as a joke. Other people obviously mean to say “The last place you think of looking” but miss 