Jack Handy.
One I thought of yesterday:
“When all you have is a stick, everything looks like a pinata.”
The grass is also greener over the septic tank. 
My fave:
If at first you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving!
Don’t lick a gift horse in the mouth.
(I’m stealing this.)
WOMEN !
You can’t live WITH them.
And you can’t kill’em.
*A bird in the hand beats an albatross around the neck.
An Englishman’s home is rarely a castle, unless they are a rock star.
Don’t count your chickens, they often end up as roadkill.
A fate worse than a fate worse than death.*
Wasn’t the Cheers version: Women! You can live with them. Pass the beer nuts.
What’s the bad deal against cholestrol? (This may be more for Cafe Society.)
- It fills you up.
- It tastes good.
I do not want to be laying on my death bed at 90 years old thinking, “I haven’t had hot buttered popcorn in forty years.”
Want to add something appropos/witty here to the OP but all I’m coming up with are the befores, and no afters.
The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Si
She’s a brick shy of a picnic.
(Honest t’gods, a former boss of mine said this and could not figure out why the rest of us were just about wetting ourselves laughing)
An eye for an eye leaves the world listening.
When you gaze long into the abyss, spit.
Those who fail to learn from History are doomed to become English majors.
It’s not the heat… it’s the stupidity.
I’m rubber, you are glue, whatever you say is tacky.
Good neighbors make good fences.