Contemplating what people “should” do is one of the most useless expenditures of emotional energy on this planet. People, in general, have their own motivations for what they do, and you are basically never going to change that. Nobody is capable of making another person feel a sense of obligation that they don’t feel. You are not going to convince them of the errors of their ways. This is not their problem, it’s yours.
So, that leaves you with a few options:
Refuse to participate and deal with the social consequences. A one-off weekend thing may be the perfect place for a little white lie (“Sorry, something I ate didn’t settle well. Why don’t you all go out while I rest up?”) There are ways to do this without making people feel rejected.
Put aside your personal desires for a bit and go along with things, without succumbing to the temptation to pout or pull guilt trips.
Propose an alternative that both sides can enjoy.
Option 4, “Stew until they realize they are wrong and do things your way” is off the table.
Frankly, I’m not surprised they are not too happy with your position. When you get down to it, you are basically saying “I think the things you enjoy are so ‘abhorrent’ that I can’t even suck it up for a couple hours.” Imagine if they went off about how flea markets are full of cheap junk, the lighting in aquariums hurt their eyes, and sailing is too much work. Imagine if they came to your house and just wanted to sit around doing their own thing, with barely-disguised contempt for everything you propose doing.
Honestly, it sounds like the root of the problem is that you just don’t want to be there to begin with, and you only went along to make your husband happy. You feel like your mere presence in Florida should be enough. For that, I say if you are in for an inch, you are in for a mile. Suck it up and let your husband enjoy his time with his family, even if that means doing some stuff that is not your cup of tea. If I read this correctly, it’s only one weekend. You’ll live.
You know, there is some middle ground. One can participate in most of the activities and gracefully bow out of a few without being mortally insulting–especially if one is careful about how one does the bowing. In your original post, you suggested that the afternoon nap was a good way to get alone time, but reading this, you make it sound like any deviation from the planned activities is being a hopeless spoilsport.
I agree with your main point, that sometimes being polite means doing things you wouldn’t choose to do, but there is some wiggle room. It’s a good and reasonable thing to consult others about how to negotiate a bit without ruining anyone’s good time–and there have been some very good suggestions made here about how one can do exactly that.
As MandaJo and others have pointed out, your husband is the one who should translate things and make sure that people (including him) do give you the pleasure of some “me” time while they get the pleasure of doing an activity that they enjoy and you don’t.
I think it’s a case of taking something which is fine (in this case, togetherness) a bit too far. When people insist that they can’t do something because one person in the group isn’t interested (which may even be “not interested right now, I’m bombed”) I ask whether we are all going to start shitting at the same time too; when someone comes up with that line of “I never believe anything I haven’t tested myself” I offer them cyanide (nobody has taken me up on the offer yet).
A friend of mine had a business trip to Japan, about a month’s worth, with a coworker. He loves traveling and had really been looking forward to that. He hated it - and the reason he hated it was that they never had a minute to themselves and every meal would turn into a version of what you described. If MA and JL ate something, the Japanese did; if they did not, the Japanese did not. Vegetables had been provided at great expense and fussed over… vegetables which are produced in large amounts in our hometown, available from MA’s father’s own fields… and some of which do not agree with him at all. If JL ate something and MA did not, the levels of fuss triggered were sick-baby-worthy; an attempt to explain that those veggies just do not agree with him caused enormous consternation. It was a month of “I didn’t know whether I was keeping them from enjoying their peppers and cucumbers if I did not eat, or subjecting them as well as me to bouts of the runs if I did”. He went back years later on vacation, just to get rid of the bad aftertaste of that first visit and be able to enjoy the place for real.
I feel ya’ (figuratively, of course). I feel the same way about going to Church on holidays - I did the Catholic school thing, and actually have a couple of friends who are priests, but it ain’t for me.
I also hate going to movies (which was an issue while dating/living with a girl who was a film graduate).
I’m not into “organized fun,” and it sounds like you’re the same way. Eventually, in my case at least, people realize that.
Sometimes it’s helpful to let them go to their movie (or whatever) and get your alone time, and when they come back pull a “look what I did!” In my case, that usually involves “I fixed all of your computer woes, simplified your home entertainment system, and trapped that damned varmint that was ruining the garden” Or something like that.
You’re not being anti-social, you’re being antsy and not wanting to waste time that could be better spent and more enjoyable.
ETA: going to the movies doesn’t IMHO count as spending time with people. You sit in a big dark room not talking to each other. Yay, bonding… Unless it’s a war movie.
I’d say that skipping the movies is fine, Its dark and you are supposed to listen to the movie not talk, I think you should play cards though even if you don’t like the game, just because its a nice way to sit around and chat.
Gah, people like this make me want to blow my brains out. Whether you stay home or go along, they’re not going to be happy. Because with the sort of people who won’t go to a movie because one person isn’t interested simply cannot be content with you merely going along. Oh, no. You also have to have a deliriously good time, because having anything less than a deliriously good time doing something you hate is also being a party pooper. You’re not having enough fun to suit them, so everyone has to leave right now, no matter how much the rest of them are enjoying the activity in question. They can’t have fun while you’re not, so everyone into the damn car.
And half the time, they’ll spend the whole ride home bitching because you should have just told them you didn’t want to go. What on earth could have possessed you to drag along to something you knew you’d hate? Christ fucking wept.
Being a good guest and being a good host is often something of a dance. Part of being a good guest of your in-laws is eating food you don’t necessarily like, listening to conversations about people you don’t know, and doing activities you don’t particularly enjoy, barring a good reason. Part of being a good host to in-laws is accepting that if your guests have gone so far as to refuse something that they must have a good reason for doing so.
I don’t know how confident you are at bucking tradition, but I vote that you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do. I started as the weirdo kid who was off reading in the bedroom when everyone else my age was climbing trees and screaming outdoors. Now I’m the weirdo who reads in the bedroom while everyone else my age is cooking dinner and chatting in the kitchen.
For me it’s more that I’m very introverted and just not that interested in interacting with people I didn’t get to choose to be related to, and whom I will only see once or twice a year at the most, but my family seems to be ok with that (or if they aren’t, I haven’t noticed and wouldn’t care regardless). If you, on the other hand, want to maintain a good relationship with them, you may need to do a certain amount of sucking it up. I wouldn’t know because I’m pretty selfish and bad at relating to my extended family.
Upon rereading I see that you are correct. This is a one time thing, not a constant thing. In that case I’d suck it up and deal with it and arrange future plans to involve less of the in-laws if they make a case out of it.
There may be times when you have to ‘go with the flow’ to make them happy. In this case, the movie was that Focker steaming pile of crap, so really they owe you profuse thanks and gratitude for saving them from themselves.
Anyone who is giving that much power to one person by the whole group not going because of you is not going to be happy no matter what.
Heck no! First they have to teach you the game, which involves half an hour of explaining what’s trump/trick/wangdoodle, strategy, counting, scoring, etc. You probably play a pretend round “for example.” Then you play the first hand and they have to show you what to do, what you should have done, what you should have discarded, yada yada yada. Oh, and “the faster you go, the more fun it is!” never mind that I don’t know what I’m doing (and frankly don’t care). Repeat ad nauseam. A nice way to sit around and chat? Never happens. I’d rather stick needles in my eyes than be forced to play cards.
Why can’t we just sit around and chat and forget the cards?
I think you need to discuss this with your husband. He needs to be the champion Manda JO mentions. He should be able to say to the others that it’s OK, and that you really would like some alone time. He’s presumably closer to you than any one else, so he should have the credibility to get the others to go.
If your husband is one of the ones who causes everyone else not to go, then you really need to talk with him. From the point of view of the husband, because I am one, I’ll say that some things I just don’t want to do if my wife won’t come along. Others, I take the kids and she stays home. So there may need to be some give and take still, but with your husband, and when there’s just the two of you talking.
I have an aunt who developed Aunti Di’s Solitude Strategy: she would say quite specifically that she planned on taking the opportunity for a long, luxurious bath.
I have no idea if she ever actually had a bath when she opted out of family activities, but it was very clear that the family could go ahead and change their plans and stay home, but she would be unavailable if they did.
There’s also a huge difference between family and in-laws. One, your family has known you a long time and accepted (or rejected) you long ago. With inlaws, you feel like you are still making a first impression twenty years later. Two,With your own family, it’s your relationship to screw up or not. Your spouse doesn’t care if you offend your own great aunt. When it’s inlaws, you worry about putting your spouse in an awkward place where they may have to defend you or make excuses for you or just deal with unpleasantness regarding you. If keeping the crazy Great Aunt happy matters to them, it matters and you can’t decide she’s not worth it: she didn’t change your diapers, you never dressed up her cat. And three, and most importantly, when it’s in-laws you want to hoard your capital, because you know you are going to spend it when it’s time to deal with your own family, and you ask your spouse to do things or tolerate things they’d rather not.
That doesn’t mean you have to do everything they want. It just means the negotiations are more delicate.
These things soooo depend on the personalities of the people in question. Fairy, if I read your OP through the lens of MY passive-agressive and dysfunctional family being your in-laws, I’d have very different advice than if these are reasonable people who take you at your word and don’t play games.
My family would totally take what you said as a whiny BS of “But I don’t wanna go to that movie! Waaaah!” and they’d think “Well, now let’s humor the big baby” and sit around, staring at each other, sighing, and occasionally making snide comments about how they were looking forward to the movie that they themselves opted to skip. Your insistence that you’d rather be alone (“Really!”) would not help.
So, it depends on what kind of people they are. That said, Cellphone’as aunt’s “luxiurious and very looooong bath” strategy is a very good one. Be prepared to get a little wrinkly in the fingertips, though.
FairyChatMom,
I would blow it off. A movie is not really a social thing anyway. You owe it to yourself to protect your precious brain from such horrors as the Fockers.
As others have said, your husband stepping forward for you would be the best. My husband does all the time. If you can only rely on yourself, well, there’s always being ‘under the weather’?
(But…I’ve been known to leave and go for a long walk/jog if I can’t get out of a really horrible movie. (And I live in Minnesota so it’s fun time with heels and ice.) No one has ever asked why I took so long in the bathroom…)
I don’t like to go to the movie theater either. My solution, don’t go. They just want to drag you along because you remind them that they don’t have anything better to do.
Movies in a movie theater are a special form of torture for me as well. I try to do it because I have small kids that want to see a certain movie sometimes but I almost always hate it. If I had only one day left to live, I could just spend it sitting in a movie theater because it would seem like a freaking eternity. I don’t like sitting still in a chair and have it pass as socializing because it isn’t. There isn’t anything wrong with you on that. Why don’t you suggest that you all sit in a line on the couch at home and read a personal copy of the same book for two hours very quietly under dim lighting? It is the same thing but I doubt they see it that way.
It is like any social convention. You just have to weigh the pluses and minuses on your terms. You aren’t going to get any karma points for forcing yourself to sit through things you hate as a general rule so there is little reason to go along with it unless you have a special reason to sacrifice your time for it.
I think the last movie I saw and enjoyed at a cinema was Jaws. After that I went and saw Babe or something and it was so loud I swore I would never go again. And I haven’t.
