This is a recurring situation and I’m curious how others would handle it or a similar choice.
I don’t like going to the movies. I find the seats to be uncomfortable, the other patrons to be annoying more than not, the sound is too loud and if I don’t like the show, I’m pretty much stuck. I can’t even snark my way thru it, because that would make me one of those annoying patrons myself.
The rest of the family likes going. They also like going to movies that I wouldn’t watch if you threatened to set fire to kittens on the doorstep of an orphanage (case in point this weekend - the latest Focker movie.)
I don’t mind if they go without me. I don’t feel neglected or left out or ignored in the least. In fact, I rather enjoy a little solitude, especially in the case of this weekend when we’re visiting family and I haven’t had any alone time at all. However, because I said I wasn’t interested, no one went. Now I’m feeling like the bad guy. Should I have just sucked it up and pretended not to hate every moment?
Similar deal with playing cards. I don’t like playing cards - I suck at strategy, I find the entire evolution stressful, and I’m totally lost when it comes to partner games. It absolutely doesn’t bother me at all if everyone else wants to play cards while I amuse myself. I certainly don’t expect everyone to knit when I pick up my yarn.
Am I in the wrong here? Should I go along with the crowd in the interest of “family” or is there something I can say to convince them that my feelings aren’t hurt when they’re having fun at something I abhor? It’s not like I pout when I’m sitting alone.
I don’t know. I’m really not a party pooper - I just don’t enjoy all the same things as others in the family. We do other things together, but must we do everything together?
Everyone has social obligations and if you skip them all you undermine your family and friendships. Pick the worst and avoid them. You have to participate in the rest because it means something to the others. Sometimes you have to participate in the worst if it means enough to others. You’re aware of the need for give and take with it’s consequences or you wouldn’t even be asking the question you did. We however have no idea how your balance stands and what you can get out of doing.
You probably need to talk to people about this when it isn’t a current situation: talk about how you don’t like movies generally, not that you don’t want to see a particular movie, but that you do like solitude, and would rather they go without you. Explain how you feel trapped, because if you won’t go, they won’t go, and how you’d much prefer to be left home than to have to go along. The same thing with cards.
If you can’t talk to everyone, talk to one person and get them to be your champion: ask them to take the lead next time this comes up and say “We can leave her here. You’re happy to read, right?”. The good news is that you only have to do it this way once or twice before it becomes the new normal.
Also, offer to take part in the social aspects, which is what people are really offering. Don’t say “I don’t want to play cards”, say “I don’t really want to play cards, but I’d love to sit in the room and knit and chit chat with you all while you play cards”. Don’t say “I don’t want to go to the movies” say “I don’t really want to go to the movie, but if you all decide to have lunch afterward, text me and let me know where and I’ll come up and join you.” Offer an alternative that keeps you part of a group, but lets you out of the thing you don’t really like.
What’s really weird to me is that I’ve been part of this family for 27 years. I did occasionally play cards in the early days, but I never really enjoyed it, so I was glad when our daughter was old enough to take my place. I’ve even watched things on TV that bored me to tears because that’s what the family was doing.
Heck, I’m in Florida at the moment when I’d much rather have stayed home, but it was important to my husband to spend this holiday with his folks. I’m not a total spoiled baby who insists on my way. I guess I’d just like to get them to recognize that I don’t like all the things they do and it doesn’t hurt my feelings if they do whatever they want while I opt out. Maybe it’s a family difference - we didn’t do every little thing together when I was a kid and I guess I like the flexibility of less-than-constant togetherness…
If this is an in-law issue, your husband needs to pave the way. When you say 'I don’t really want to go to the movie, but you all go" and they start to protest, he needs to be the one to step in and say “I bet she’d love a chance to finish her book, wouldn’t you, honey?”. They are worried that you don’t REALLY want to be left all alone, that you won’t REALLY be pouting. He can confirm you statement in a way that is believable.
My .02 on the movies: I would have gone because it was a special occasion. This isn’t a situation where you’re presence is “required” every Saturday night at Family Movie Night. That would be a different situation entirely.
Then again, I am the type that doesn’t have strong feelings on these type of issues. I’ll do what everyone seems to enjoy.
I’m currently in the “suck it up” boat. My grandfather lives with us and he doesn’t do much save for read, sleep, or watch TV, so my mother often asks me to play mahjong with him. (Mahjong, like bridge, is optimally played with four people.)
Of course, depending on the timing of being asked to do this, it’s easier to be okay with being inconvenienced. Since I’m playing video games a lot, I end up getting asked in the middle of, say, pushing the cart in Team Fortress 2, and getting my train of thought interrupted tends to put me in a bitchy mood.
You beat me to it! When FCM says she doesn’t want to go to the movies, play cards, or whatever, but would be perfectly fine with the rest of the family going/playing without her, and the in-laws start making noises about changing their plans because FCM might feel left out, FC Dad needs to step up and say, “No, she really wants us to just go ahead with Plan A while she reads a book. Trust me on this.”
I’d think after 27 years, the in-laws would have figured this out, but since they haven’t, it’s up to FC Dad to get the message through.
I probably would’ve sucked it up and gone. However, I do think it’s really weird that all of them would decide to stay home just because you did. And I can feel your pain about lack of alone time, especially during the holidays.
To me this seems like you want to avoid being social at all. I know that isn’t what you mean here but when you say movies, card playing, and Florida are all things you don’t want to do that covers a pretty huge ground. So you don’t like going to the movies. Would you be happier if you went to a museum or a play or something? So you don’t like playing cards. What about playing a board game instead? So you don’t want to travel to Florida. What about having the whole family travel to Maine instead?
If your answer to all of those alternatives is, “No, I’d rather just knit” then I think you may have a larger problem. You need to find at least a couple of activities you can be happy doing as a social thing with your family.
With my in-laws their thing is Scrabble. They play Scrabble every single time they get together and for those family members who aren’t great at the game (like my aunt-in-law) or those of us who would like to play a different kind of game (like me) it gets old fast. This holiday season we introduced Taboo into the family and it was fabulous. We had a great time and we got to play a game that used a different skill than Scrabble so we were all on equal footing. If you can make that kind of substitution you will be much better off than you would if you sent everyone on to be social without you.
Pbbth, I think you misread the OP. I don’t think FCM is being non-social, just that there are two activities out of the trip she wants to pass on. I agree that her husband should help her with the communication issue.
If it’s a special occasion – people are visiting from out-of-town – then I’d suck it up and go. If it was just a regular old thing, I’d tell them that I’m not big on seeing movies in theatres because it gives me sensory overload, but that I’d love to join them for dinner or drinks afterward. In other words, you’re making it clear that it’s not their company that you’re trying to avoid, but rather the movie.
If you don’t like cards, then come armed with a suggestion for an alternative (e.g. a game that doesn’t involve a lot of strategy) – such as dominoes or trivia games or Apples2Apples. Or say, “All that strategizing seems like work to me, so if it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer to just sit here and enjoy your company.” Once again, it shows that it’s not THEM that you’re rejecting.
I think her point is that she wanted to pass on the other things, but didn’t in order to be social. She sounds like an introvert who is really trying to step up.
My first thought was as mentioned above: They are extroverts, and would be horrified at being left alone. They don’t realize that you’d actually like to have some solitude in the course of the visit.
If that’s the case, then straightening it out could be the beginning of much greater enjoyment, and maybe even “wanting” to make the trip. It’s not easy though. To an extrovert, it’s like saying “No, really, zip me up inside the sleeping bag; I need a break from all this oxygen.”
Yes, you should always go along with the crowd. Interchangable carbon blobs become uncomfortible when one of the blobs acts differently.
The serious answer is since this sounds like an infrequent visitation, you should probably just suck it up and go with the flow. Visiting family is sort of like attending a mandatory cofference for work. It’s really frowned apon if you don’t attend all the guest speaker’s presentation.
I’d suck it up and go. These people want to be around you, and they enjoy spending time with you. It doesn’t hurt you too much to spend an hour and a half in a slightly less comfortable chair. You’re old enough to learn to daydream through it- what do you think your parents did during Saturday morning cartoons?
You can probably opt out of the cards if you hang around and stay in the conversation. But it’s not cool just to lurk in the corner. I agree that it might be a good idea to find a card alternative. There are some fun board-game like card games out. Maybe you could introduce something like that to the family? I’m also not too big into cards, but I have a couple games that I like so that I can keep up with people.
If you need some time alone during family visits, I highly recommend taking up the afternoon “nap.” An hour and a half on your own might be exactly what you need to recharge your batteries.
You picked the two activities I most avoid also. I don’t mind playing the kind of card game where I don’t have to pay attention much except at my turn but I can’t stand games like euchre or pinochle. When we’re at the in-laws they love to play pinochle and know not to ask me. I’ll hang around and watch or chat with other not players for a while to be sociable. It helps that there’s one other sister- in-law who also doesn’t play cards.
In our own family if they want me to play a game we’ll play Master Labyrinth or some other game that they know I enjoy.
I don’t really like going to movies because I have a vision problem that’s more annoying in dark rooms but occasionally I will go. I went to that ne Sherlock Holmes movie. AKA stupidest movie ever. I hated it and slept through parts but the kids still thought it was fun that I went even when I say it was the worst movie ever. It had the same plot of every single modern Disney movie I took them to.
So, the answer really is to suck it up and go sometimes and suggest other things to play besides cards.
I’m an introvert and most family/friends gatherings have activities like games and movies that don’t appeal to me. Movies especially, since my tastes don’t match the safe, family-type movies that groups gravitate toward. Most of the time, I just suck it up and go along with it, because I know my family or friends are happier that way.
I would recommend the same unless the activity is guaranteed to make you too uncomfortable very quickly. I’d also set a limit, like two rounds of Sorry! or one movie you’d rather not see, and then try to get out of the rest. Having your husband’s help here would be great too-- whenever people insist you participate, he could say, “Nah, it’s ok, this isn’t really her thing” or “Oh, let her be, she turns into She-Hulk if she doesn’t get some quiet time this time of year!” Moreover, realize that if people are going to abandon a group’s plans just because one person doesn’t want to go, that’s on them. You’re not making them do that. (It’s vaguely passive-aggressive too, but maybe that’s just me.)
I’m not anti-social by any means. When they visited us this summer, we went to the aquarium, to a local fair, to a flea market, and we sailed and ate out several times. Had they been up to it, we’d have gone to a couple of museums and other local historic areas.
During this visit, I’ve gone for several walks thru the neighborhood, even feigning interest in the lives and deaths of other residents of this retirement community. When they wanted to play pool, even tho I opted out, I sat by the table and cheered or jeered as appropriate.
I guess that’s why I feel like they need to accept that I don’t share *all *of their interests and I don’t want to do everything they want to do. When they come to my house, I don’t make them watch hours and hours of HGTV, because I know they’d die of boredom. Seems to me give-and-take goes both ways.
I would have gone to the movie, but passed on the cards - I’m also a knitter and when my family or-inlaws are playing a card game I don’t like, I’ll sit at the table (assuming it’s not disruptive to the game) and join the conversation and knit, and just not play - this doesn’t seem to bother anyone.
The movie I probably would have just gone, although if it was the Focker movie I might have insisted on seeing something else because there’s no way I could sit through 2 hours of that - I think I would start screaming in the theatre and ruin it for everyone else.
What I mean is I would have gone to the theatre with everyone and had the pre-movie chat/games/snacks/whatever and then gone to a different movie and let everyone else go to the Fockers if that’s what they wanted - not that I would make everyone go to a movie I liked.
