I have determined that I shall host a banquet for people who are Utter Wankers. In order for this to be a successful event, it will naturally be incumbent upon me to provide a menu that is most likely to reveal the attendees’ inner Utter Wankerdom and provoke spirited discussion.
I’m currently thinking of serving things such as the following:
Martinis (feel free to ask for gin vs. vodka; olive vs. twist; variable amounts of vermouth; shaken vs. stirred; room temp vs. chilled spirit)
Pinot noir (a special consideration for people who have seen That Movie)
Pizza (a choice of NY vs. New Haven vs.–shudder–Chicago)
Hot dogs (mustard vs. ketchup provided upon request)
Barbecue (a variety of tomato vs. vinegar vs. mustard sauce)
Cola (select from Coke vs. Pepsi vs. RC)
While I think this is a reasonable start, I would like to expand my offerings. What else would you recommend?
Could you perhaps share the criteria for Utter Wankerdom? I’m not sure from your menu what you’re getting at. If explaining it will ruin the joke, by all means carry on as you were.
The point is, there seem to be some dishes that really bring out the annoying evangelical side of people as they try to insist that there is One True Way of making them correctly–a classic example is the endless debates over the correct way to make a martini. Alternatively, they wax perhaps a bit too rhapsodic over seemingly minor things; for an example of this, see the book The Mint Julep by R. B. Harwell (U of Virginia Press).
This thread was an attempt to poll for people’s ideas over what other things would fall into areas like this.
Coffee. You have endless choice of country of origin, creamer or no, milk vs non-dairy creamer, sugar or no, how strong to make it…there are no end to the arguments that can be had over coffee.
mayonaise vs salad dressing
sushi with raw fish vs sushi with cooked fish or no fish
grits vs cream of wheat
crisp crunchy bacon vs soft chewy bacon
imported beer vs domestic beer
and don’t forget to tip your server!
