My boss’ brother-in-law passed away this weekend, and my boss was supposed to be out all week for the funeral, etc. but he came in this morning.
He checked in with me a few minutes ago, and I smiled and was happy to see him, but when he said he couldn’t go to an off-site meeting because he “was in no state to do that,” I didn’t say anything sympathetic or “I can imagine…how are you doing?” No, instead I told him that a problem we had in his absence got worse, and he heaved a sigh and went back into his office without another word, and I could have bit my tongue in two. Why did I say that??
So now I don’t know what to do. The poor man has already got three tons of work on his shoulders, and now he has this grief weighing on him, not to mention his wife’s grief (it was her brother), and it kills me to see that kind of suffering, and I’d like to do anything I could to alleviate it even a little.
So what should I do?
(In case it matters, we’re both kind of socially awkward, and I’m very reserved and shy.)
I overheard someone give the Boss an overblown speech about treasuring his memories and “he’ll always be with you,” and I learned that is not the way to go (at least in this case).
A few minutes ago, I ran into him in the elevator, and I just asked him how he and his family were doing. I also told him that I’d keep his family in my prayers. He was very appreciative, and neither of us was awkward.
So that’s my advice for others in this situation. Simplicity and sincerity. Selah.
Yeah, simplicity is the way to do it. Stay away from the platitudes. They already know them and they don’t do a d*** thing towards making you feel better. I swear I think people say them to make themselves feel better.
Is there anything you could do for him to take some of the work off his shoulders? A project you could help with, a few little tasks that you could get out of the way for him?
Really, your understanding and patience will probably be the biggest things.
As one who has been in your boss’ shoes, I can tell you that there is NOTHING you can do to alleviate his grief, even a little. The sincerity and compassion you showed him in the elevator was right on target, though. When my father passed away I was so grateful to the people who just held my hand and told me they cared, they loved me, they were thinking of me, praying for me, etc. Just knowing someone cares is such a comfort.
Man. This sort of thing is relavent way too often. I just found out that an ex-colleague’s husband just died unexpectedly of heart failure. He was only 37. No longer being in her day-to-day life, I can wait until after the initial flurry of funeral/wake activity when everything will be a blur. It is after this period when life resumes that the loss will probably be the worst.
I agree that there is little or nothing that people can say to “make them feel better.” They will only be able to move on at their own pace. When my nephew of only 15 years died from cancer a couple years ago, I was devastated. And I couldn’t even imagine what my sister (his mother) was going through. I had never felt so helpless.
At work, my employer allowed me to take whatever time off I needed to participate in the proceedings. Even though everybody knew that there was little they could do, the mere acknowledgement that you are going through a rough time (“Brad, I just heard…I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do…”), it helps on a very tertiary level.
My suggestions:
offer your condolinces in a brief, respectful manner like the example I mentioned above.
NEVER SAY “It’s going to be all-right.” That trivializes their loss.
if workmate: if you have the capacity to alleviate their workload, do so.
if friend: if you have the capacity to help out with household details (feed the pet, run errands), do so.
if you have been through the experience (even if you haven’t) tell them that if they need to talk, you’re there to listen. Communicate the “listen” part of that. Chances are, they are more likely willing to open up if they know they won’t be preached at in response.
I can’t actually do any of his work, but I can prevent new tasks from arriving on his plate by handling them myself. This afternoon I saved him from having to deal with our most annoying client, for example.
Thanks, ladies.
The funny thing is that I used to want to be a grief counselor. Thankfully, I learned that I tend to take on the distress of others, osmosis-style, before I went to grad school.
I was thinking about this earlier today, trying to put together a response, but kept coming up empty.
bserum summed it up better than I could. Last fall my manager’s father died. I didn’t know my manager all that well, but I ended up coming in early and staying late for a week to make sure that he wouldn’t have to worry about his job on top of everything else.
It was appreciated, and it was all I could realistically do to help him. (On the downside, it’s contributed to getting me acclimated to spending long days at work…)
Ask any professional and they can tell you taht there is only one thing you can say to a griveing person… nothing at all.
A sister in my church had lost her mother in a car accident, and a few months later her father died also.
Our preacher called her up to comfert her, and no matter how much he wanted to say, he knew the only way to comfort the griveing is the “be there for them”
basicly “shaddup’a yo mouth” and listen to them…
just this past tuesday… another sister in the church gave birth to a still born…
Me knowing ecclesiastes immediatly think to myself “Better a still born baby than a man well advanced in years”
also I remember “When times are god be happy, but also when times are bad be happy for is not God the maker of them both?”
Do I have the nerve to say such things to a proper greiving couple? The 1 thing I found fit is “I’m speachless. I’ll be praying for you”
If he needs a drink, be there. If he suddenly bursts into tears, be there. Don’t let him ever think you’ll cast it up to him later. And DON’T bite your tongue in two. The bereaved are even LESS responsible than everyone else. You may have been insensitive but he probably overreacted; neither did anything but learn. And it’s only you two and rest of the world ;).
The thing is, there’s nothing you can do. But listen (as wise posters have already said) and make it clear you count him as a friend. Be interested and concerned and not pushy. Be… there.
I’ll pray.
ps: by the way, keep being there after all the initial fuss has passed. It won’t stop there for him and if you want to be a valued friend, it shouldn’t for you.
Yeah, I thought your approach was appropriate. Just a quick, sincere statement, maybe just offer to be there if he/she needs anything, and then drop it.
Bit of a slight hijack here. I’m not one who gets emotional, and I’m very socially awkward, so when I do genuinely feel sad, or happy, or whatever, for someone, I usually go overboard, because it’s really hard, in my opinion, to make someone know that your feelings are more than just the standard meaningless response that most people throw out at the drop of a hat. Well, my approach always leaves me kicking myself for overdoing it, but yesterday I took the cake. KIDS, DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME. THIS IS AN ACT OF STUPIDITY THAT SHOULD ONLY BE PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL IDIOTS. like me.
Yesterday, I had a former coworker/friend call me up to tell me she’d be out of the office because her dad was really sick, and they were “pulling the plug” the next day. Well, I tried to do the usual comforting, trying to not be too schmaltzy, and then IT happened. Probably the worst screw up ever. I offered my sympathies and condolences BEFORE he died. Holy heck, by backside is still sore from me kicking myself. End hijack.
My husband and I have lost three parents in the last 16 months so I feel overqualified with this one. I have to reiterate my fellow dopers here. Simple, short, sincere. Period. There is nothing you can do or say that will make that pain go away. Each of us has to grieve in our own way and in our own time. I do agree that if you are compelled to “do” something, helping with work or running a personal errand are the most appreciated.