My aunt killed herself in January. She left a note, which read, in its entirety: “I’m very sorry. Love, [her name].” When I told my mother, she exclaimed, “That’s IT???” in an outraged tone of voice.
My aunt had just given birth a month earlier. My mother simply could not fathom the idea that my aunt wouldn’t leave a letter or message for her baby daughter. She speculated that perhaps my aunt had put it in the mail, to be delivered after she was dead, or that it might be hidden somewhere. When we emptied her house, we searched ever nook and cranny, as if all the answers might be tucked away, waiting for discovery.
We never found what we were looking for, but it’s because the sort of answers we wanted didn’t exist. As Bosda said, even if we’d found a note as long as a novel, it wouldn’t have been enough. It wouldn’t have changed anything. We’d all still blame ourselves, and it certainly wouldn’t have lessened the pain.
faithfool - I think your idea of a note is obviously not to help the people left behind but to put the blame on them. If a person commits suicide, they’re the ones to blame! No matter how your parental relationships are, how your ex treated you, it’s ultimately your decision to take your life. Pointing fingers at those left behind does no good. It’s like kids who say “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone!” and run away next door hoping there’ll be tears and breast-beating because they left. If you do that, what good will it do? You’ll be dead - you won’t be able to hide around the corner and watch them wail and gnash their teeth. And they’ll be burdened with guilt that is misplaced, because it’s not their fault you killed yourself, it’s yours.
I can perhaps understand pain that is so unbearable you feel you don’t want to live any more. But you have to take ownership of your pain, and know that you are the responsible for your own pain and how you deal with it. No one “drives” you to suicide, it’s a choice you make on your own.
This needs repeating. I’ve never had someone close to me commit suicide though I’ve had a few come close. It’s a horrifying thought that someone you love would choose to end their life. But if you feel that your mother, or your whole family, or this life, or whatever, is the root of the problem, then leave. Move. Start over completely. Working at McDonald’s is better than being dead. Please don’t use your death to prove a point to your mother.
-Lil
I’m incredibly sorry that I didn’t realize how many people here who’ve actually been through this. Like I said, I’ve had people I’ve known, but not someone I love. I’d also like to apologize bringing up such a sensitive subject to those who no longer have certain loved ones because of having committed suicide. I am even more so for the particular loss of someone immediate, like in your situation. Thank you for sharing that with me and seeing another perspective.
Again, I’m assuming that the few people in my life would have these sorts of issues, which is why I brought them up in the OP (I thought, but apparently I’m more pathetic writing tonight than usual). I can’t fathom having a break-up with a friend, lover or anyone close and it just being THE END of all contact ever, so those emotions would be innate, I’m sure. And for a long friggin’ time.
Another thing I can grasp about what it would be like in part for my bestfriend. He’s done ‘suicide duty watch’ for pretty much this entire time. He never knows what will set me off or if I’ll still be alive at the end of the day or night. However, as hard as it’d be for him to work through everything after my death, he’s gone through infinitely more waiting on me to get better. And that’s with me busting my ass and not running out of steam every other 5 minutes just to start the cycle over again. So, it would hurt him shorter term than if I continue on the same path I’ve been on all this time and we remain that close into our 80s (we’re both in our middle-to-late 30s) and I have completely wrecked his life. I’ve seen what it’s done to him thus far and it’s horrible. I can’t imagine what it will be like each successive year, if this keeps up.
Well, since this isn’t the pit, I won’t respond disrespectfully, but I’m sorry if someone else’s REAL pain, despite how it’s affected you, makes you want to vomit. Suicide’s don’t just “care[s] only for their own pain.” That’s what’s prevented me from succeeding thus far. Therefore, if that’s not enough of an explanation in response, just tell me and I’ll try to find the politest way possible to elaborate.
I’m not sure if I left that part out or if it was just missed, but I have cut my mother out of my life. I am worried about the other people she terrorizes. In my entire life, I’ve been the only one to run interference between her and everyone else. Obviously though, I’ve had to pretty much give a lot of that up since I first became ‘ill’ (or crazy or whatever) and realized it wasn’t helping the ones who needed it anyway. I can’t save them and I am trying to get better. Hence the therapy, ‘homework’, medications, plans and attempting to get as far the hell away as humanely possible. I’m not sure what else to do beyond that.
Once more, I’ll try saying this a different way… I wasn’t looking for what kind of damage it will do, either temporary or fleeting. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it would be one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. However, for those times when I’m way far off in LaLa Land and praying to have the guts to go through with it, then would be a decent time to already have an idea of what I’d like to do if I ever want to. No half-assed attempts and to do what I can to make it as “better as possible.” Yes, I realize that sounds incredibly stupid and naive, but to those who are there (or have been), it makes sense.
For example, I’ve never considered doing anything that would harm anyone else physically. Like running into another car head-on or jumping off a bridge onto the interstate. I don’t want to leave any lasting horrific images for anyone to find and live with forever (so, blowing my brains out wouldn’t be an option). I’ve also considered some of the by-products of MY choice from their perspective. I’d wear Depends so there wouldn’t be any actual shit to clean up. If I slit my wrists, it would be in a shower with running water to erase as much blood as I can before I’m found.
Therefore, I’m doing everything within my power to prevent this and have been, almost consistently, since 1996. People get tired though and sick of ruining everyone else’s life. I do owe myself a life and I’m attempting to get it. But you never know and if there is any good that I can do after the fact, then I wanted to know that. If no one can understand this, I apologize once more and I’ll assume I’m just being delusional now.
I’m beginning to agree with this sentiment, especially since more than one poster has expressed it. I know that cognitively, but that’s been one of my biggest problems with her forever anyway, I just haven’t ever wanted to give up on it. I did that though, a year ago. Now, I’d just be concerned about the others I mentioned. If it ever came to that.
Unfortunately, I live close enough (about an hour drive or so). My plan is to get back up on my feet and in roughly a year, leave to go somewhere she’d have to really put some effort into to be a bother. I’m planning on accomplishing this. But I’d planned on lots of things in my life to work out a certain way, only to be blind-sided by something I never expected (like mental illness). Therefore, I’d like to be as prepared as possible. I hope I’ve demonstrated that in my other posts.
Oh, and my mother did go to therapy with me once. She yelled at the woman most of the time, said I was a “great little actress who just wanted the attention and was lazy.” That therapist begged me to never bring her again. I can certainly see why.
I’m glad your situation has improved. I hope it only continues to do so and that someday, your relationship with yours will be good. I’ve given up that hope -and- faith, now I just have to find a way to live on without it and have a back-up plan if necessary.
Um, I think the only thing I’ll say to this is did you read EVERYTHING I posted?? I know that my life, since about the age of knowing right from wrong (what is that? six maybe?), is me making my own decisions. I thought I’d made that clear by underlining it. Perhaps bolding would do better…
I AM ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME. NO ONE ELSE IS IN ANY SHAPE, FORM OR FASHION.
Are we on the same page now?
Now that’s out of the way, is this the place where I go over and over and over again that it’s no one’s fault but my own and I’m not wanting attention for my actions so I can be the poor little mistreated girl. No, I’m seriously worried about the people she abuses daily. Maybe that sounds ludicrous under the circumstances, but it’s true and I’ve always been like this. Death wouldn’t change how I feel. And if I leave (in any capacity), they have no advocate. Not that I’m all that now, but at least there is some voice of dissent. Which is why I asked the question in the first place. It wasn’t so that someone could come in here, get on their soapbox about something I’ve already acknowledged anyway. You’re preaching to the choir here. I DO take ownership. I just don’t want anyone else hurt by that monster than need be. Surely, you can fathom that.
Lastly, I know I’ve used cliches like “being pushed over the edge” and the like, but that’s only to convey that everyone has a line they step over. Be it in something good (IE: rescuing a pet from a burning building) or bad (an affair). You, however, are usually already set in that direction to begin with though. Whatever has just been the catalyst. And if I was ever that for someone, or something much worse, I’d have to know or I couldn’t live with myself anyway.
Once more, in case it has been stated plainly enough… anyone who kills themselves makes their own decisions. The same would apply to me. We could forever go on and on about causes, but many things contribute. I repeat, if I was a factor in screwing-up someone’s life, I’d want to fix that. If I’d helped someone past their point of no return, I’d want to know that too so I wouldn’t allow it to happen again.
Guess that’s just me though and I hope you understand a little better now.
Ah, no point proving to my Mother. God himself couldn’t convince her that she’s wrong, so how could I? I’m merely a mortal peon, so that would be futile. Again, apart from me feeling pissy towards the ex, my motivation here had been about the rest of my small family. I can’t stand the idea of her running any more rough-shod over them than she does now. And if a ‘tell it like it really is’ letter would get through to her, even if she hated me until her last breath, it would be worth it for helping them.
Although, she’s definitely not the epiphany type. Perhaps the cold hard reality of that note might spur my Aunt to get out and save herself, taking my Dad along with her. Not probable, but possible? Worst-case scenario, that is.
I agree with Ferret Herder. It sounds like everyone is deeply entrenched in their roles and would be more than able to brush off what they would see as accusations from someone who couldn’t cope. And you wouldn’t be there to counter their rationalizations.
I think that what you are doing is looking for a sliver of silver lining in case you fail in your fight. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you’re looking for some small piece of good that you might be able to accomplish if things get worse and you can’t keep the worst from happening. Unfortunately, I don’t think that there is any note that can trigger an epiphany in these people.
Have you been writing notes or letters to anyone as part of your therapy? It sounds like you want to. You don’t have to send them. But that would be something to talk over with your therapist. I can’t guess what you might want to say or who you might want to say it to.
You might also consider writing thank you notes for small or large kindnesses. Those kind of notes can have a very positive effect on people’s lives. You are not responsible for protecting anyone from your Mother. You should not feel guilty because you can’t. It’s too big. But a short note of thanks to your friend for his help, or even to a helpful salesperson, would be helping others. Thanks is always uplifting.
I wish you success with your struggle. You deserve a life.
Oh my dear Faithfool. I feel like I have run smackdab into my own distant past.
After reading your OP, I went to the links provided and read those threads. I found them deeply moving and brutally honest. I don’t know when I’ve read anything so open and defenseless.
I am not a licensed psychologist and I’m not a psychiatrist. Much of what I write here will be based on my own experiences. Take what applies to you and throw the rest away. I will eventually get around to answering the question in your OP.
If you can provide links to threads in which you write about your problems with mental illness, I would be interested in reading further. Forgive me if I have responded to you before and just forgotten. I have memory problems.
Here are some of the things we have in common:
I have a mental illness. I was diagnosed with chronic clinical depression when I was in my late teens or early twenties, but I was showing signs of it much earlier than that. (I am now 61 years old. For the last fifteen years I have been on full and permanent social security disability with medicare because of depression. It robbed me of my teaching career and I also receive my pension from that.)
Allthough I had a genetic predisposition (through my father) for depression, many of my self-esteem problems can be traced back to a mother who sucked in all attention to herself. She was jealous of my accomplishments, my youth, my relationship with my father, my lifestyle – all of it. She insulted everything about me.
She controlled every aspect of my life. I didn’t wash my own hair until I was sixteen. I was allowed to pick out one dress on my own when I was seventeen. I was still wearing that dress the last time she made me lie down across a bed while she beat me with a belt – on and on and on. (I found out later that my father had tried to get her to stop beating me, but she would do it when he wasn’t there.) She also did permanent damage to the base of my neck.
Outside the home she was charming and popular. And she could be that way with me sometimes. At other times she would quit speaking to me altogether. I never knew which side of her I could expect.
And that is true to this day. She is 91. She remains extremely emotionally abusive if I give her a chance. I see her twice a year for about three hours each time. I talk to her on the phone once a week as long as she is behaving. (My sister lives near her.)
I was in my fifties before my psychiatrist finally helped me to see her objectively and to give myself “permission” and the resources to put her at an emotional distance. My mother is a narcissist. And she is cruel.
If your mother is anything like mine, no suicide note would ever change her or even make her feel guilty or wrong.
When I was almost exactly your age, I had to go through a process of grieving when I finally realized that I was never going to have my mother’s approval no matter what I did.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I also had an affair with a married man with children. To make matters worse, his wife was my friend and he never mislead me the way that Ted did you. I have absolutely no excuse – only a very selfishness. I wasn’t even ashamed for a long time. They eventually divorced for several reasons, including his many infidelities and her alcoholism.
As I grew emotionally and began to understand the value of friendship and the ramifications of betrayal, the guilt set in. It was twenty years before I was finally able to forgive myself. I haven’t forgotten, but it was a lesson learned.
You can learn to forgive your own imperfections, Faithfool. It starts with realizing that nobody gets his shit together once and for all. So when you mess up, you have a little talk with yourself and then you eventually cut yourself some slack..
I was glad to see that you like your therapist. I hope that you don’t hold anything back. Please do share your questions about the suicide note with her or him.
As for Ted, I had a slimeball in my life at one time. Time and distance help a lot. It’s just getting through the here and now that can be holy hell. But don’t let anything interfere with the process of getting from age 36 to age 50 at least! There are some neat things that start happening at about that age.
Another thing that we have in common is our agoraphobia. Mine is worse sometimes than at others. I have mild agoraphobia. There is nothing that I had rather do than stay at home. I don’t get dizzy or anything when I go out, but I still have mild panic sometimes.
I managed to develop phobias along the way too. Do you have any? My last airplane flight was in January of 1973 UNTIL last April. I just got a wild hair up my ass and spent a year planning a trip to Paris. I was going alone, but my sixteen year old granddaughter got to go with me. And I wasn’t afraid at all! It was the most amazing thing! You never know what changes are in store for you if you hang on.
I told you there were strange things that happen after age 50!
For a long, long time I was lacking in self-esteem. There was no magic cure. Medication probably helped more than anything. It allowed me to stop crying. Understanding that mental illness wasn’t my fault and wasn’t a character flaw helped. Setting boundaries helped. (There are good books on that.) Hell, I even swore my freedom of spirit on the graves of Emerson and Thoreau a few years back. That felt so good.
One of the most helpful things was the book Revolution from Within. It was written by someone who had terrible self-esteem problems and overcame them – Gloria Steinem. I sat with a highlighter in hand the whole time that I read. And I still go back to it when I need to. It was written for the purpose of helping others who have esteem problems.
I have tried suicide many times. It was always an impulsive thing for me. Some people plan it and some just do it. I know enough now to put myself on automatic and call my therapist or go to the hospital or tell someone in a position to stop me. But I haven’t had to be in the hospital for that in over ten years now. And the last time that I gave it serious thought was three or four years ago.
When the urge happens, I know that it is the pain of the mental illness talking and not the real me. Most of the time the medicine allows me to be who I really am. When it isn’t working, I hang onto that small familiar voice inside that says that I will outlast the mental illness no matter what.
This comment is based on the two other threads that I read. There are people here who mean well but who over-simplify the complexities of individuals, mental illness, marriage, psychology and human frailty. Sometimes these people state the obvious, see things in terms of black and white, pass judgment or even misrepresent their credentials.
If they haven’t been there, they are not likely to understand.
Now, in answer to your question in the OP:
I disagree with you about your writing ability! I find it fascinating. You certainly have found your own “voice” and some writers try forever and never get it. If you ever decide to write a suicide note, make it as long as Bill Clinton’s autobiograph prior to editing.
Besides, once you decide to die, what have you got to lose by living?
Oh Bugger It! I will tell you anyway. Suicide is a hot button for me. It has ruined my life.
My husband left 2 notes. One for me, it said “hope you are happy now”. Obviously I wasn’t.
He then left a long convoluted note for his son (who was 16 mths at the time). It explained why he did what he did, why he felt like he did and how it was my fault. I KNOW realisticly it wasn’t my fault. I also know he didn’t mean what he wrote. He had been drinking (not something he ever normally did), he was angry and hurt and basicaly not himself.
He died in 1993. I still have the letter he wrote to our son. I’m not sure I will ever let my son see it. Maybe oneday he will need to see the way his dad was feeling at the time…maybe, as an adult.
But what he wrote has never left me. I know it was written while he was distraught and drunk. I know if their was an afterlife that writing that letter (and the note to me) is something he would soooo want to take back because they wern’t him. But the fact is he wrote it and all these years later I can’t get past the guilt because he said it was my fault he died.
You might hate your mum. You might have good reason to but the words of someone who has taken their life have more power then you know and NO good can come from it.
One thing you absolutely MUST know is the huge chain of people suicide effects. There are people you will not give a second thought about who would be still asking themselves “what could I have done to stop it…why didn’t I do something” many many years later.
I have defended my husband more times then I care to remember to those who called him selfish but the hurt never ever goes. I don’t believe there is a way to die that hurts more people then suicide. Believe me that is the only thing that kept me here for many years. I saw and felt the pain it causes and I couldn’t do that to my worst enemy.
Look, I haven’t read all those other threads, I am only going by what’s in this one. And I opened it because of the word suicide in the title.
Stop assuming so much responsibility! YOU are not responsible for that pain I feel - my sister, and ONLY my sister, is responsible for that pain. Is that perfectly clear? You bear NO guilt and NO responsibility for that.
I and not you am responsible for reading this thread. It was very clear from the title what was inside, and I chose, of my own free will, to look. Any pain caused by that is MY responsibility, NOT yours.
This may be off-the-cuff, but I think part of your problem (just part) is that you assume more responsibility for the world than you actually have. If you are this desparate then your first priority needs to be YOU, not everyone else. You have my persmission (for whatever it is worth) to be “selfish” enough to put your needs before everyone else’s until you get some of your problems straightened out, OK?
And he chooses to do that, correct? He is not coerced in any way? Then it is HE is responsible for that choice, not you.
I know I’m coming across as harsh, but good God, woman, whatever inconvenience and trauma he’s gone through helping to keep you alive, if you killed yourself – ! No, this is NOT “infinitely worse” - he’s doing all this to avoid that “infinitely worse”!
Don’t you understand that he loves you? It may not be the love of a parent or a spouse or a child, but the love of a friend is just as special and valid. Only love would give a person the strength to be there through all this with no other reward than your continued existance.
Maybe your life was such growing up that you never had true love, true affection, true concern for your well-being and so you can’t recognize it now. Your own family may not give a damn, but all of those who have stood by you and tried to help you would be terribly hurt by your death and no note of any sort would make your absence any easier to bear.
Right now, worry about YOURSELF
He chose to stand by you, that’s his responsibility, not yours
I don’t believe you’ve “wrecked” his life
If you kill yourself, you will REALLY mess with his head, at least in the short term.
OK, he we go again. Yeah, I’m brutally honest but that’s what I thought you wanted.
YOU are not responsible for my pain, my sister is. And yes, her death caused me enormous pain. Yes, some of my family DID vomit. My mother literally had a heart attack when she heard the news. The physical manifestions of our grief were very real. People DO faint when they get news like this. I am not telling you this make you feel guilty, I telling you this so you understand, in some small way, just how horribly agonizing losing a love one to their own self-murder actually is. Maybe your mother wouldn’t care (I have no idea if she would or not) but your friend who’s been on “suicide watch” certainly would. Is it worth causing him, and other like him who have tried to help you, such pain for a lifetime in order to get some digs in at your mother - who might not give a damn?
Right now, you care about others and that’s why your still alive. Fine. That’s why you’re “suicidal”, not an actual “suicide”. But if you do get to the point where you do the deed then yes, I do believe you will be at the point where the only thing that exists is your pain and you will lash out at others intending to cause them pain.
OK, you’ve distanced yourself - but you have NOT cut yourself off entirely. When I say pick up and start over I mean just that - cut off ALL contact, move a thousand miles away, and never, ever have contact with the whole mess again.
You are not responsible for your father and aunt! It is not up to you to “rescue” them or run “interference” for them. You have just about killed yourself - literally - trying to do just that. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty now get the hell out of that pit and work on giving yourself a real life. The best revenge is living well - get it? If your mother tried to dominate you and ruin your life then by getting entirely away and having a life you are going to win.
Who told you that it was your duty to rescue two adults of the previous generation? You father should be rescuing YOU, not the other way around! For whatever reason he refuses to rescue himself, it is time for you to stop trying to do it for him.
Even if that means leaving some of your current friends behind. For myself… I’d rather know my sister was alive and well somewhere else, even if it meant I would never see her again, than to have that memory of helping to lay her down in the ground forever. You will hurt those who do care about you less by going away and saving yourself than by staying and dying, whether that’s a little bit day by day or suddenly and all at once.
You can’t kill yourself without hurting strangers. And you, of all people, should understand that mental pain hurts every bit as much as physical.
My sister didn’t want to hurt strangers, either. She locked herself in a neighbor’s garage and started the car up inside. Obviously, by the time she was found the fumes had built up to a lethal level. The neighbor, who discovered her, had to be hospitalized due to exposure to those fumes. So my sister nearly accidently murdered someone else besides herself. The fire department had to pull her out using full breathing gear for themselves.
Hauling dead bodies away isn’t fun for anyone. The people who do it tend to get very pissed off at murderers. The fact that the murderer and victim are the same person in this instance doesn’t make it any better. Suicide make people angry as well as pissed off. You WILL inconvenience someone. Police and firemen and paramedics want to save lives - they’ll even risk their own to do so. How do you think they feel about hauling away someone who didn’t have to die, who was relatively young and physically healthy, who killed themselves? There is a lot of contempt for such people.
Someone has to identify the body. Someone has to clean up afterwards - even if there isn’t visible spillage the area still has to be cleaned up as if there was. There is no truly neat and clean way to die.
Good, I sincerely hope you succeed.
You are ruining your life by worrying so much about everyone else’s life.
No, your death will do no good for anyone.
Stop apologizing.
Stop assuming responsibility for other people
Get your life together
You’re welcome.
I do care about you. I do want you to have a happy life. That’s why I post here. If talking about the pain my sister caused me and others around her can help you understand that there is nothing good that can come of your suicide then it’s worth dredging up these memories. I will gladly suffer remembering that pain if it can prevent another death and the pain that death would cause.
Yes, well, we’re a persnickety bunch round these parts. But as others have pointed out, suicide is the ultimate in self-obsession.
I can play the “daily thoughts of suicide” card too. Life hurts. A lot. Every day. That’s how you know you’re alive. Being dead isn’t “peace”; it’s being dead. Anyone can be dead. Being alive takes work.
Yes, just see how happy and healthy the friends and relations of suicides in this thread are.
The act of suicide (with certain caveats including ending one’s suffering in terminal illness or profound disability) is a coward’s last chance to inflict eternal pain on those left behind. Writing a note, no matter how long or how succinct, does nothing to alleviate that pain.
Just ask my kids. Or my husband’s best mate who was the poor schmuck to find his body. Or the best mate’s wife who has to endure his constant nightmares even 7 years later. Or my husband’s sister or his dad or all of their families. Or you could even ask me if it made life any easier. It fucking well didn’t.
On preview…what Broomstick said. :smack: