It’s been 14 years since my mom took an OD of pills and alcohol. Every year it seems a bit harder to remember what she looked like or how she spoke. I don’t have a lot of good memories. It’s a really difficult time right now for me.
My mother tried – very dramatically – at least three different times (with a few other less major attempts in between) – but never succeeded. My best friend did succeed, however, 20 years ago next month.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I feel for you, Beckwall, and anyone else who’s had to live with this terrible tragedy.
Having a parent commit suicide must be one of the most horrible things one could go through. I can’t even imagine it, really. I hope that you realize it wasn’t really her that decided to do that, but rather the depression she must have suffered from. It has to take some incredibly deep pain to override the human instinct to survive. I’m glad that you’re talking about it and sharing how you feel, and I hope that you have some good memories to help you through.
I meant to emphasize the ‘some’ good memories… if you have any, hold on to them. If you can, talk to the people that knew her best, so that they can tell you things about her that can help lift you up.
My father committed suicide 20 years ago. I know what you mean about the memories. The difficult times come and go, but it does seem, at least for me, that they come a little less frequently. Do you have someone to talk to ? If you want, my email is in my profile.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. My thoughts are with you.
Was the 10th, the day you posted, the anniversary of your mother’s suicide?
September 10th is also the anniversary of my father’s suicide, though it was quite a few years ago. He also tried to kill me, though it didn’t work. I too have fewer and fewer memories. I have a couple of photographs, but don’t think I would recognize his voice any more.
In some ways I will always look up to him. I wish he had not killed himself, but I think I understand that he was trying to get away from something terrible, and I think he was trying to take me with him, to protect me, because he loved me. I have to appreciate this.
I also understand that he deserted me. This was terrible. I needed him like all boys need fathers, and I also needed him because of the situation he was trying to get us away from.
And I feel guilty because I was in some ways involved in his problems. As an adult now, I don’t think I could reasonably have avoided it then - but still I had the feeling all along.
But these things aren’t so acute any more. This year I actually passed the 10th without remembering the whole thing (though I did think of it some days before and also on the day after). My life is about many things now other than that. I have had some wonderful joys in life. I don’t think I’d trade lives with somebody else, now, or wish I’d never been born (though many years ago I thought differently).
This is a bad thing to have happen to you, and it means you will always be different. If you’re like me you’ll keep looking for answers that aren’t there, but you will also do other things that work out better. And there are a great many things that need you to do them, need you to not follow in your mother’s footsteps. Life is beautiful even if your mother threw hers away.
I love you and hope your pain is better. But, yes, it’s a hard time.