Superman is a total pussy!
There, I said it, and I’d say it again!
Superman is bulletproof, superstrong, can fly, has heat vision, x-ray vision, he’s got superbreath that can freeze things solid (very improbable psysics there) and whats his only weakness? I’ll tell you, Kryptonite. A &%#ing glowing green rock from another %#&ing planet. Hardly something you could find on E-bay.
Superman is like that whiny rich girl at school who’s always complaining about how diffucult life is. Whats more, he’s got all these powers going for him it still takes the entire comic book to catch Lex Luthor. I mean, take SpiderMan, he gets the job done in the same number of pages, and all he has going for him is sticky fingers and some souped-up silly string. Christ! I mean, if I had all those powers I’d have Lex whimpering like a whipped pup long before the Sea Monkey ads.
On the subject of Lex Luthor, sigh…where to begin. How dickless an arch enemy can you get? a guy who’s not only folicularly challanged, but color blind as well (purple and green spandex accesorized with crossed bandoliers?! Please, I’ve seen San Francisco sissyboys who wouldn’t wear anything THAT flamboyant). And what beef did Lex have with Superman? I’ll tell you, Superman (when he was still superboy) saved young Lex from a lab fire with his superbreath, but in the process accidently blew out all Lex’s hair. What!?! I’ve seen Monty Python sketches that were less absurd!
Surely the most embarrasing thing about Lex Luthor was that his master plans were so frequently foiled using Hostess Fruit Pies and Twinkies. Check out this scenereo: Lex manages to capture the Man of Steel in a giant Kryptonite jar, Superman flashes some tasty Hostess cupcakes, and this genius opens the jar to get both the cupcakes and a one way ticket to an orange jumpsuit and a cellmate named Bubba (who will, ironically, be calling Lex “cupcake” from now on).
I’d like to take a moment to mention that Dr. Doom’s evil machinations would NEVER be foiled by cupcakes. Why, you ask? The Doc’s got focus, thats why.
Finally, what really cheeses me off about Superman was that, with all these incredable powers, he still relied on cheap plot contrivences to save the day! When he needed to breathe in space, suddenly he could breathe in space! If Lois managed to actually get herself killed, bang, he flies around the earth so fast that it reverses the earths rotation, and thus sending time flowing backwards so that he could travel in time and save her(I hear Stephen Hawking filled an entire colostomy bag when he heard about that one). Why even bother fighting that giant robot when you could just travel back in time and punch the evil professor in the nose before he even invents it? Hell, why even bother to do that when you could foil it by sending Jimmy Olson out with a bag of Hostess fruit pies?
So the gauntlet is thrown! Superman, I call you out! I got a planet with a red sun all picked out. Just you and me if your man enough, mano e Supermano. We’ll see whos the boss!
No Kryptonite, no robots, no mercy. You know where to reach me.
inky