Well wouldn’t you know it I was doing a search and didn’t realize this was an old ass thread.
That’s okay, I was thinking of posting an update anyway.
I finally feel better about the name change, although it was really hard and I have a hard time discussing it too much now without becoming really emotional. I still hope that one day she can be less rigid about it.
We’ve now moved on to pronoun usage, which continues to be an issue (for me, at least) as I just really, really don’t seem to be able to call a single person “them.” We’ve talked about it a lot, and I just keep reminding Kiddo that while she expects other people to accommodate her, she will also need to be accepting and accommodating of others when they can’t quite meet her expectations. I wouldn’t call it a battle, but it’s a struggle sometimes. Her therapist has been a great help.
She now defines herself as genderless, aromantic, and asexual (I’m feeling pretty asexual/aromantic these days myself, so no biggie.) I don’t understand the importance of labels, but I’ve never struggled with defining myself this way, I guess.
I did discuss with her that she is taking medication that could possibly be suppressing her sex drive (much as it does her appetite), and while I have no issues with her not being sexual with anyone, I don’t want her to freak out if her body adjusts or if she goes of meds and suddenly finds herself wanting to smooch someone. She rather dismissed the idea but at least is aware of the possibility.
One step at a time. She seems happy and settled, and that helps. Everyone here has been great. Thank you all!
[QUOTE=papergirl;
She now defines herself as genderless, aromantic, and asexual
[/QUOTE]
This is pretty much where I’m at with my 16 year old. Although I had clues a few years ago, I choose to wait it out and see where it went and sure enough, it wasn’t a phase. I’ve often thought Roaccutane had something to do with this even though she identified as asexual before taking the drug. Perhaps it contributed to cementing a feeling that may have otherwise passed during the natural course of adolescence.
My husband and I have been as cool about it as a couple of old farts can be I think but the whole issue of rejecting gender as a concept has twisted my brain a bit. I do struggle to articulate how I feel about it and to understand how she feels about it. Those old notions are pretty ingrained…love, sex, relationships, children. There’s a lot of life to be missed if you don’t identify with any of it. It makes me sad to think of what she’ll miss.
I don’t want to call it a phase, but at the same time I think about how many different ways I’ve identified in my life, and I want her to understand that people and feelings may change a bit as time and experience affects us.
I have a really hard time articulating how I feel too, especially trying to explain how somehow, in rejecting gender stereotypes by identifying as gender-free (which is totally what I would call it), she actually upholds the idea of gender being a set of stereotypical behaviors. I mean…if you reject being called a female because society has all these expectations about females–aren’t you also accepting that females are defined by those very behaviors?
I am not quite able to explain what I’m trying to get at, but that’s the gist of it. I don’t try to get into it all too much, because I really want to deemphasize the importance of labels, but that’s a thought I’m trying to work through.
I’m so damned glad I’m not alone in this.
If it helps, you’re not alone in this. I don’t ever want to argue with or devalue another person’s experience, and clearly this is something that people feel very personally passionate about (as evidenced by the horrendous suicide rate of trans* people) but…yeah, I totally get what you’re saying. When I was told I couldn’t do/wear/play with X because I was a girl, my response was, “Eff that, I’ll do what I want, you just don’t have a good working definition of ‘girl’,” not “Then I’m not a girl.”
I know it’s clearly not the same for everyone, I really do. But that doesn’t mean I really understand it.
I don’t understand how some people like to drink super spicy hot sauce, either. Doesn’t make them wrong, doesn’t make me right. Just makes us different, and I’ll be damned if I say they can’t drink hot sauce because I don’t understand it. I can support someone in their process, even if it’s not mine.
My daughter ids as asexual currently. We go to a UU church and this year she had OWL - the UU sex ed program (she’s fifteen and a high school freshman). The facilitator said “this year was educational, the kids don’t see gender OR sexuality as binary.”
My guess is that they are the first generation who doesn’t - and that at an age when so much of who you are is defined by gender or sexuality traditionally, deciding not to identify and having the choice not to identify gives them some breathing room while they deal with high school/puberty/raging hormones/political gender equality issues et. al. She’s weirdly very sex positive (she is currently working with her Dad on a paper on the importance of good sex ed in public education), but just finds no interest in it herself at the moment - which being fifteen, I’m not disappointed by.
I’ll admit here that I have my doubts that she’ll not end up married (to a man) with two kids driving a minivan to soccer in fifteen years, but she is an incredible person regardless of her sexuality or gender identity. We are supportive, and also let her know that at her age, gender and sexuality have been known to be fluid (she formerly identified as a lesbian, so she gets the whole “you don’t need to decide right now and forever”).
(She points out that UU Youth Group is the only place she’s been where you introduce yourself by name, age, and preferred pronoun).
This is the long way of saying “you are not alone.” And be patient. All the cards are yet to be played. They are truly pioneers in gender identity, these fifteen and sixteen year olds hitting their gender and sexuality discovery years in an era of choice.
First off I love how open minded you are as a parent 
I always felt sorta asexual, it wasn’t that I did not find women sexually attractive just I found other guys were absurdly sexual, as having to make a show of being willing to BEEP anything vaguely female. I also never identified with the need to be overtly masculine, I just didn’t care enough.
I also said I was never ever going to get married or have kids, and then I met my wife and now I have a son too I love with all my heart and they are both what I live for.
I think sometimes you just need to meet the right person to click with to feel sexual.
[QUOTE=papergirl]
She now defines herself as genderless, **aromantic, **and asexual
[/QUOTE]
I keep reading that as “aromatic.”
AT
@Ku
:eek: Ugh, I seem to have pocket-posted some nonsense (I use Tapatalk). Rookie mistake, sorry! :smack:
Anyway, now that I am here, let me also chime in to say that papergirl are an awesome parent. This stuff is hard, and both you & your kid are doing great.
You guys carry on!
My daughter is 19 years old and recently announced on Facebook that she was agender, not a girl and did not wish to be associated with her birth name. I was distraught that she hadn’t discussed this with me first before announcing it to the world, and like the mother in the original post, I am having an awful time dealing with the name change. It IS like a bereavement to me. I always had an idea she was gay or bi and wasn’t surprised at all when she came out a few months ago. But I am having serious difficulties in getting to grips with agender.
She has a fascination with drag queens and is pretty immature for her age. She was bullied all through high school and is now having counselling at long last, to help.
Any pointers you can give me, I would be very grateful as I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus at the moment.
Tia xx
papergirl, you sound like pretty much the best parent in the history of parenting.
Janeeyre, if your daughter is in counseling for the first time I would guess this is just a way of working through some feelings she hasn’t been able to deal with before. And that it will pass. But in case it doesn’t, just remember that you’ve always promised to love her no matter what, and that neither her name nor her announced gender need define her.
Thank you… Of course I will always love her, it’s how I can deal with this revaluation of who she is that I guess I need help with. I don’t want to make things worse for her.xx
Practice using their preferred pronoun (he, she, them or something else) and name. It’s going to feel really weird and fake for a while, and then someday it won’t.
The simple act of using someone’s name and gender pronoun correctly shows a huge amount of respect and support. You don’t have to go to rallies or announce their status on Facebook (unless you want to, of course) But do try very hard to get their name right. It’s literally the least you can do.
There’s a good chance that when you were pregnant, you said something like, “I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl, as long as it’s healthy.” or, “Boy or girl, it’s up to God, we’ll love it either way.” Remember that. Hold onto that. Once upon a time, their gender didn’t matter. That’s still true.
What an awesome paragraph.
QFT.
WhyNot, what a lovely way of looking at it. I have told they that I will find this very difficult and they understand this. But I will persevere. Now I know they do not wish to be called by their birth name, I am inadvertently calling them by this more than usual. The brain does some amazing things!
I agree with Papergirl that it is just hugely reassuring to find out that I am not the only person going through this situation. Lots of things she has said resonate with our experience. Following from they Facebook post, some friends have liked the post, most haven’t and there are no comments. I suspect a lot of her friends will be as clueless as I was about agenderism(?) and are afraid to ask. Maybe a page on agender issues is needed on Facebook.
I read the link to the story in the Washington Post and identified strongly with this.
My child does not wish to bind her breasts but has recently cut her hair short and it will be cut even shorter soon.
She tends to wear shorts and t shirts with doc Martin boots when going out, I did see you can get non binary clothing and wondered if I should order her a surprise t shirt?
Thank you for listening and giving your advice!
It really does, doesn’t it? I’m part of a subculture where renaming yourself is quite common, and it’s always a rough transition. I’d suggest being gentle with yourself, and letting them know that you are trying. Quickly correct yourself by using their new name, but don’t make a huge embarrassing deal about it. “Michelle, did you see - I’m sorry, Morgan, did you see Walking Dead last night?” Catch yourself, but move on.
I don’t know if it’s appropriate in your family dynamic or religion/spirituality or not, but one thing I’ve found really seems to help when it’s appropriate is a renaming ceremony. Kind of like a baptism or christening, but a time when the person changing their name can come together with their family or community, and announce their new name, and then everyone greets them in turn with a hug, their new name, and sometimes a little token gift. This ceremony seems to help cement their new identity in people’s minds better. I know it’s a little weird, and if it’s just not something that would work for y’all, no offense meant.
They, them. 
See, it takes practice! 
But I think that’s a lovely idea. (Also, if the grammar of using a “plural” pronoun to refer to a single person bothers you, don’t sweat it. “They” has actually been a gender neutral singular pronoun for centuries.)
I’m so glad you found this message board! There’s lots of good people and good advice here. There’s also some jerks and total dipsticks. I trust you to recognize the difference. 
…and now that I’ve gone back and actually re-read the thread, I see that was pointed out in 2014. Sorry for the repetition!
Or it could be a sign that she is beginning to feel she may be transgendered.
13 is young - but not unheard of. I don’t have personal experience, but a friend has a daughter (well, son, now) who first IDed as a lesbian by age 12 or 13, and within a year or two decided s/he was actually trans.
S/he began dressing as a boy, using a boy’s name, binding her/his breasts, etc. around then. He had breast-removal surgery by age 16. He still has female parts down south (leading to the interesting phrase “he’s seeing his gynecologist”).
I don’t know if I’d have been as supportive in this situation as his parents have been - I’d definitely have been twitchy about irrevocable changes like the mastectomy. The parents have spent a lot of energy on finding the right path for their family, however.