Hello shapes, I’m glad you found this thread. It certainly speaks to the need for information that you came upon it the way you did.
I’m so glad that your daughter has a support system at home. I think that must be vital to her emotional well-being. I don’t get it either, really, but like many other ways of life, I can accept that it’s valid and real. I don’t think our kids would choose this journey for the fun of it, because I see the struggles my daughter endures. It’s not been easy, but she is becoming happier as she gets closer to the truth, I think. And who can argue with that?
I guess I’m not alone on this journey after all. That’s very reassuring. I hope you stick around!
Ok, hope I didnt offend. I just had to ask though. Personally I havent met anyone dealing with this so I have no basis to give advice.
Parenting is probably the toughest job any of us will ever take on. You talk to parents who were quite successful in whatever field they choose (business, sports, art, etc…) and they will still tell you parenting was harder.
Come to think of it, I remember the same. I was actually surprised though when on occasion we would hear someone’s real name because that was on the official record.
It makes it tricky when official forms and documents need to be filled out and signed. Even phone answering machines. One wouldnt want to miss out on something like an employment opportunity because of an incorrect name.
A timely anecdote: My son is 12. His friend “Sara,” whom I’ve known since kindergarten, has been doing some gender questioning lately. The holiday concert is coming up, and the boys are supposed to wear shirts and ties, and the girls are supposed to wear dresses, or something similarly dressy. Sara decided she wanted to wear a shirt and tie, and was worried about getting in trouble for it. She finally steeled her nerves and went to the choir teacher and asked if it would be ok. He was just like “yeah, no problem.” 
Oh, and my son doesn’t seem to think anything is weird about her gender questioning. He’s a lot more interested in what she’s doing in Minecraft.
Other people’s wishes have minimal effect on what my ex does. That’s one of the reasons he’s my ex. My son was 7 or 8 at the time, by the way. Being forced to have his name changed, and even worse, being forced to act cheerful about it did negatively impact his feelings about his father. He learned that “what daddy wants, daddy gets, and my wishes are not important.”
Thanks for explaining that. Using “they are” instead of “she is” wouldn’t be that difficult to get used to, but saying “they is” would be nearly impossible.
Welcome to the boards. I hope you stick around.
She’s a C cup at 13? Bless her heart, that’s a tough row to hoe even leaving aside any question of gender identity. Boys and men can be so incredibly disgusting, especially to teenage girls, and juniors clothing just isn’t cut for that amount of boobage. Nor is it especially easy to find a 30C bra. Other girls aren’t necessarily a treat on the issue, either. If sports bras and such had been a thing and readily available when I was her age, I would have been all over them. Not because I was gender questioning and wanted to get rid of my breasts, but because I wanted to get rid of the gross comments and stares and make clothes shopping easier. Hell, 25 years later I still ponder reduction surgery for the exact same reasons. You’re already doing everything you can to make this issue better and easier for her, so good for you.
As for the name thing, I think maybe you should explain to her why this is so hard for you and makes you so sad. Not to make her feel guilty, but so that she understands a bit more about where you’re coming from and is better able to not feel hurt or angry or disrespected when you use her birth name. She’s not going to fully understand, having never been through the baby name search or watched one of her friends go through it, but I think she’s old enough to partially understand and is empathetic enough to not resent your slips because of it.
Good luck. I think you’re handling this the very best you possibly could, and a hell of a lot better than most people I know would.
You didn’t, and I hope I don’t come off as bitchy. I just think that, out of respect for my daughter, this doesn’t get characterized as her being a pain in the ass. Because generally, she really is not. 
Yes, she’s probably 34C, and she doesn’t look like most of the 13 year olds in her class. She never went through that sort of gawky adolescent stage–sort of went from 11 to 19, body shape-wise. Her dad is Korean-American, so she has kind of an exotic look, beautiful skin and eyes, and–god only knows where THIS came from–long, long legs. She’s a beautiful girl, and she really doesn’t know how to handle it.
We had a long talk in the car yesterday and I think she does get (as much as she can, at least) how difficult the name change is for me. Her overriding response was, “At least you’re trying, and that means a lot to me.” She’s not going to be difficult when I use her birth name, I think, and I do it often in conversation because I use their names a lot and it’s just so natural. I use her new name when I’m calling her from another room or getting her attention, etc, when it comes a lot easier.
I’m beginning to feel better about it. This has really helped me refocus and figure some things out.
Bolding mine.
Here Douglas Hofstadter - Person Paper on Purity in Language is an excellent essay by an eminent thinker which does just that. And sends a very powerful message about just how f***ed up our sexism is.
**Napier **old buddy … I don’t want to derail the thread, and thanks for the shout-out and very gentlemanly criticism of my comments. But I think we’re more in agreement than you think we are. I too have personally hired and retained L,G,B, & T folks and have no problem working & friending with any of them.
As the thread has developed, the OP has shown herself to be a very savvy parent. When I posted at the outset, the OP itself read (to me) more like a parent whose response to every whim of the kid was to bend over as far backwards as possible. My goal was to suggest Mom take a strategically smart supportive approach rather than simply the path of tactical least resistance in the name of unquestioned “support my child no matter what”. I may have fallen farther short in that goal than I intended. You are right of course to add that social progress comes not from calm conformers, but from the feisty folks on the fringe.
Good for you, papergirl. Parenting can be a struggle, and the number one priority is making sure your kid is loved and well taken care of.
I have a 15 year old daughter who told my wife and I that she was bi one day when we were making dinner (she was 13 at the time). Neither of us batted an eye-it didn’t bother us, and if she’s questioning her sexuality/identity, our job is to make our home a safe place and love her as she finds herself. She’s later id’d as gender fluid and gender queer-fine, her mom and I say. She also took an androgynous name last year, and cut her hair short; it bummed me out, by I got used to her changes pretty fast. Then she was dating a boy who identified as a girl, and a fee of her friends identified as gender queer-I found that none of this really bothered me, my main goal is to keep her from feeling depressed and supporting her along the way. I’m probably more bothered by the state of her room than her gender identity (teenagers!!). If she wanted to change her pronoun, I’d do it…and folks who are bothered by it don’t enter into the equation.
So really, as long as you love and support your child, that’s all that matters and it sounds like you do.
Well, the issue of her room is a whole 'nother story.
Nah, it’s not too bad, really. I have noticed lately that she is much happier, much more focused, able to do things without me standing over her constantly, etc. I’m positive that this is due in part to her new (last 8 weeks) medication, but I hope also that the therapy, support from school and from family, and her apparent feeling of ease in her skin is helping too.
It does get sort of confusing keeping track of who her crushes are sometimes!
Of course you’re sad about the name change. You have a model of her in your mind and that model is tied to a certain name. Plus, you picked that name.
I would admit the truth to her. You’re willing to accept and love her but this isn’t going to be an easy adjustment for you.
If a person wants to be referred to as they, go with it. You’ll get used to it quicker than you think.
Is this a temporary thing? As any parent knows, teens go through phases. Is it just that she’s sick of people seeing only her breasts? Or is this a lasting and fundamental issue?
RE Binding
I’m sure I’ve read that long term, tight binding creates scar tissue.
It’ll be interesting to see if it’s temporary. I don’t think she will eventually decide that she’s a straight girl interested in boys, but it’s possible that her preoccupation with gender may shift focus. I get the feeling she’s figuring things out, and gender identity is a tough one–not only does it involve how we feel about ourselves, but so many societal expectations and political nuances play into it as well.
So far she seems satisfied with the effect of the sports bra, leading me to think that she really did just want to de-emphasize her figure. That’s understandable, and as long as she’s comfortable with it, I’m happy to buy her sports bras. I’m concerned about the binding too, but admittedly haven’t done a lot of research yet.
Well I found myself in the situation last night of chatting with Stepkiddo, and first we were talking about facial hair. (its been about 6 weeks of hormone therapy for my partner’s transman offspring) and somehow it wound around to make up… I commented that since I turned 45 two months ago I have given up almost all makeup, as well as pantyhose and push-up bras. Then I said oh, crap I guess that isn’t appropriate talking about bras with my stepson! “Kent” said well, I have… and still do wear them… but not push-ups anymore, and didn’t seem to mind I had veered off into girl talk territory.
Kent is easier to talk to, more confident, outgoing and genuine than the young woman I met two years ago. I believe I have an easier time with the name and pronoun change because I have limited experience with Kent living as a girl, and Kent is not my offspring. My partner is accepting, but does tend to make mistakes with the name more often than I do.
Is that you, John Rosemond?
We finally attempted contact. Door slams and nothing verbal . Last night we left groceries on her porch. I can think of nothing to do but be there when the bottom falls out. She’s living in squalor with no job.
It sounds like you’re doing all you can in a very difficult situation. At least you know she is home and that she has food. I hope that she gets on her feet emotionally and financially and finds her way out of this dark spot.
Meantime, I hope that you and your family are taking good care of yourselves and are able to find some comfort in knowing that there are other people pulling for you.
Does she have other support systems in place–friends, other family members, mental health professionals, job coaches–to help her deal with whatever is causing her so much anger and anxiety?
Well, if it’s just a regular kid trying to establish their own identity, you’d get a lot of drama and pointless fights that wouldn’t resolve anything and just make you and your kid angry at each other all the time.
If the kid’s dealing with genuine gender/sexuality issues, your response is going to dramatically increases the kid’s risk of drug and alcohol abuse, poverty, homelessness, and suicide. Above the risk they’re already at just for being a gay or trans teenager, I mean.
But, hey, at least you’ve established whose house it is, and that’s clearly the important victory here.
Sorry, papergirl, that wasn’t exactly the most sensitive thing I could have said there.
Not at all, Miller. I agree completely and got so wrapped up in my own perspective that I neglected this aspect of the issue. Thank you for addressing it.
I’ve seen my daughter go through failing grades, suicidal ideation, thoughts of cutting, isolation, loneliness…it’s heart-wrenching to see your child try to navigate this stuff. Counseling has helped tremendously, as has her ability to be open with us, I think. She is so much happier now!
More than once I’ve gotten advice about cracking down, grounding her, etc. But you can’t discipline someone out of their sexuality or gender, and you can’t discipline them out of being depressed or suicidal or any of the other things you mention. And as a parent, I’m not going to discipline my kids if they aren’t doing anything wrong.
That’s great that you’re supportive of your daughter, but I would have a really hard time calling my kids anything other than the names I gave them and called them by for years, not saying you shouldn’t just that it would be extremely difficult for me personally and I’m sure it is for you.