When I was struggling with this issue, I remember seeing a stand up comic making jokes and answering his mother’s nagging, “Why don’t you visit more?” with; “Because I can’t get TWA to wait in the yard!” It was funny because it’s true. If there was a jet plane on the lawn, ready at my command, to take me, immediately and directly, from this disfunctional stew back to my own peaceful abode, I’d visit every weekend!
When I thought about it I figured I could do the same for myself. And I did. And it worked. No, I didn’t get a jet to wait on the lawn. But I never entered the dragon’s lair without an airtight exit strategy that could be deployed without hesitation, at the drop of a hat. A back up plan, complete with cabfare to the bus depot and a bus ticket home, even cash for a drink and a snack and my book and music player. It changed everything, truly.
I found I was easy going and relaxed, and remarkably capable of tolerating the dysfunction, instead of nervous, anxious and on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of course, actually pulling the trigger and stepping, seamlessly, into Plan B, wasn’t easy that first time, but it was oh, so worth it! I highly recommend it. It changed everything!
I decided to use a message board again. It almost seems like they have faded from the rush of facebookers and twitters…and I am forever grateful that I found this thread about supporting an emotionally-needy parent. For the past 17 months I have felt like I was totally alone in the world from the amount of stress I’ve dealt with and not dealt with and the cries for help that were left unheard except one uncle who said he heard my cries for help from my silence. He flew in for 24 hours and left me with the question, “Why are you here” meaning, why do you feel it is your duty to take care of your mother after the death of you dad. I have learned more from this one thread, “supporting an emotionally-needy parent” than I have in the last almost 18 months now of trying everything I know to deal with and handle my mother. The frustration and stress reached heights that I never knew existed. I also never knew I was the kind who would plead and beg for help only to be disappointed time and time again from family whom I had not awakened to not realizing they were not going to be here for me for support. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, “your doing a great job” with mom, right through my pleads for help! I suppose because I’ve led my life not asking for help, I set a pattern of being able to do it all I guess, so in a sense I’m the only one to blame for the position I have found my life in…I remember year after year the a topic of conversation with my dad where I’d say, “we will take care of mom, dad, if you pass first, don’t worry, we will take care of her.” How very wrong I was in saying we. I didn’t realize I was saying I, “I” will take care of her. This experience has been seldom pleasant and more of pain, frustration, fear and even very aloneness. I can say that I’ve never experienced asking for help, a word that usually brings some sort of support no matter how little or large, but with me…nothing, and this was frightening to me and I would soul search again and again looking for what I may have done to my 3 sisters, nieces and nephews, which they probably didn’t know I needed help but more than likely some did. I searched for what I could have done to any of them to be so ignored. I suppose I should be grateful for the 2 visits one sister made at 3 days each, and I am. But I think my eyes have been opened to the reality that we really do come into this world alone and we leave it alone as well. It’s been a long wait, but I do have one sister who is coming for Christmas and is taking my mother back with her for awhile. I reached out to them and told them I needed them in my life. I wonder if they would have ever done that for me. Actually, I should not sound so poor me, because I was never that before, but some days…I do have poor me, not negatively I don’t think, but I almost mourn for the person I was before all this began. I know I’m still in here, I just didn’t realize I’d take the back burner with myself yet that is what I’ve done. New beginnings though right? And I’m forever grateful for finding this site. And although the posts I read, most were from 2005, someone did say in a theirs that emotional neediness of a manipulative person is eternal and each post I read was like I’d met a new friend who understood, and heard my exact cries for help/support So, WOW, thank you! and Merry Christmas!
Pinecone, what are the logistics of your situation? Have you moved in with your mom? Is your mom disabled in some way? What was your living situation (job relatioships) before that?