I like that story too, Lynn 
Regarding the zero-tolerance policy - I meant that possibilities would naturally range from zero-tolerance to unending redemption and that discussion among the Admins and Mods would naturally try to find some place in the middle. Sorry for the ambiguity.
I don’t think that Little Ed or Cecil himself were thinking of that story when I was awarded that title. I had just done a particularly nasty job of…hmmmm, well, I really don’t want to say WHAT it was on a public message board, where law enforcement agencies can read it. Anyway, Cecil was mighty impressed, and sent word down from on high.
The top ten rejected suggestions for member status:
#10. On Probation
#9. Grain of Salt
#8. On A Leash
#7. Post Count Whore
#6. Report Me If I Jr. Mod
#5. :rolleyes:
#4. Must Grovel For Forgiveness
#3. Waiting For Check To Clear
#2. Broke the Camel’s Back
And the number one top ten rejected suggestion for member status:
#1. Pharoah’s First Born
You know why Lynn Bodoni is called the “Angel of Death”? See in her profile, where it says she’s Member #2? Well, she got there because she KILLED numbers 3-10 and worked her way up the ranks, that’s why.
Number 10, she ran down in traffic. You know, unintended acceleration and all that. The funny thing is, she then went into reverse and had another unintended acceleration episode, back over them. I think she was driving a TVR Chimera; they’re known for that.
As for Number 9, she broke into their house one night and tore all those dire and scary tags off of their mattresses, and then dropped the proverbial dime on them. It didn’t take long for the “Sealy Posturpedic Death Squads” to come and “disappear” Number 9.
“Someone” signed Number 8 up for 37,000 boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. When the Scouts showed up on Payment Day, and Number 8 looked askance at their wallet, there was some…unpleasantness. Number 8 was placed into a wicker man and burned, so an entire Girl Scout Troop could receive their “Pagan Rites Badge”.
Number 7 fled to Madagascar, thinking they would be safe. Sadly, Lynn followed them on the next plane out, and traveled into the jungles to meet with the indigenous tribes of the central plateau. She speaks more than 23 languages and 17 sub-tongues; it’s no wonder she hit it off so well. After convincing the natives that she was in fact the avatar of the Idols (along the lines of Queen Ranavalona), the bravest three warriors of the tribe, all brothers (whose names translate roughly as “Heart of the Lion”, “Soul of the Lion”, and “Dave”) went on a short quest and brought Number 7, who had been hiding in a sugar cane field, to her. There was an ancient ritual to the Insect God, and the rest is…well, just morbid.
Number 6 thought they could initiate a first strike, and decided to lay in wait on an overpass, and pick Lynn off with a high-powered rifle. But when they went to Wal-Mart to buy ammunition for their Weatherby .460 magnum, Lynn, disguised as a Helpful Greeter, put a Buck Master knife in their back and wheeled their body over to Returns. The body of Number 6 currently resides behind a pile of “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls, returned due to a defective chip which caused extreme and blasphemous profanity.
Number 5 put up a good run, I’ll say that. The chase went on for more than 500 miles across the swamps of Louisiana. Finally, there was a deadly showdown on the Lake Ponchetrain causeway - a game of chicken, head on, with a one-mile start. The cars sped towards each other - Number 5 in their Viper, going more than 160. Lynn in her modified nitromethane-powered Ferrari 308GT, at more than 180. At the last minute, she made a subtle flick of her wrist, and Lynn dodged Number 5’s Viper, passing him by with a blast of wind. Number 5 yelled in joy, then screamed as they ran over the spike strip laid down by Lynn back at her starting line. The rest was fire, smoke, and metal. Lynn had Cajun Shrimp and Pasta Jambalaya that night in the French Quarter.
Lynn got Number 4 by setting a Slamcat on their trail. She programmed it to his pheremones and the colour of his eyes, and set it loose in Mumbai. Packed with a core of 3 kilos of powdered nitrohexane, it scrambled through a forest of brown legs and found Number 4 as they were exiting a rented Mercedes at a restaurant called the Palms of Goa. There was a flash, thunder, screams, and then silence, broken only by the far off sound of approaching sirens.
Number 3 was the worst. They fought for hours on the roof over a club called “Kyoko Date”, neither of them gaining the advantage. Sword clashed on sword, whirling in deadly arcs, as the blades reflected the multicoloured lights of the Ginza district and the club-mix music below them pounded on. Her arms began to feel leaden, and the hilt was slipping in her grasp. Fighting endlessly on the rooftop under a sky the colour of a television tuned to a dead channel, she felt that this time she might not go home to that box of Godiva chocolates that hadn’t even been opened yet… A flick of her hand to clear a lock of sweat-soaked hair from her eyes, and Number 3 almost had her - she knew she had to do something. Thinking fast, in a last effort, she played the odds - opening herself up to a vicious slash that nearly cut through the ceramic armour on her thigh, she gave some blood, and a scar, in return for victory, as she pierced her foe and saw the light leave their eyes.
Number 1 has, understandably, remained in hiding.
[sub]Apologies to William Gibson[/sub]
There’s an Alec Guinness movie like that, isn’t there? I believe it’s called Kind Hearts and Internets.
They now have Guinness in bottles.
Brilliant!
I was thinking more of The Assasination Bureau and Diana Rigg.
I was thinking more of The Assasination Bureau and Diana Rigg. I’ll take Diana Rigg over Alec Guiness most times, except in Murder by Death … or Arthur … or … but I digress.
Una Persson’s treatise is more like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill and I see Lynn as more of a puppet master who hatches the devilish deed and presses all the right buttons to get it accomplished. Muh ha ha ha.
[sub]Damn the Submit button being near the Preview button[/sub]
I just wanted to mention that every time I see this thread title, I have to remind myself that it’s in ATMB because it’s discussing member status and that it isn’t a misplaced thread about a wonderful Infocom game where you control little robots from an isolation booth.
And here I thought my wisdom had somehow affected the “powers that be.” 