This is a really rough draft for a new play. I was thinking it might be fun to have people suggest songs, or plot twists and come up with an entire musical written jointly on the Straight Dope message board.
It’s called Swine! - The Musical. The heart-warming musical tale of two lesbian pig farmers battling prejudice, disease and economics in 21st Century America.
Act 1, Scene 1
Daybreak on a pig farm in rural America as we’re introduced to the two main characters, Luisa and Winona who declare their love for each other (and for raising pigs) in the song "The only porking we’ll ever know."
Several of the local farmers visit the two on the farm, and talk about the town meeting coming up this afternoon. They explain how this rural community wasn’t sure at first how to take the two when they first arrived from the city, but have since been impressed with their hard work and ability to keep their farm spotless with “There’s nothing sloppy 'bout their slop."
**
Scene 2** - interior of barn - town hall meeting
State Senator Dixon Perhall arrives from the state capitol to explain how the downturned economy is affecting the state and how hard he’s been fighting for stimulus funds for the farmers in the song "You just can’t put lipstick on a pig."
Luisa asks Senator Perhall about a vote in the capital to allow gay marriage in the state. He says it doesn’t look good, but promises to keep trying. The town hall’s guest speaker, Miss California Carrie Prejean, says she’s touring the country trying to fight against such a move. She breaks into the song “God didn’t make Adam and Steve,” when she’s interrupted by Luisa who says Perez Hilton was right and loudly declares her love to Winona with *“Sisters: My love is our ring.” *The crowd in the town hall splits in half, with each side of the stage trying to out-sing the other.
This musical battle is interrupted as farmer Bob Berl runs in to shout about the news he just saw on TV: an outbreak of swine flu has been spreading through the world with the tune “Swine fever - it started with an oink.”
Scene 3 - exterior at sunset, back on the farm
Luisa and Winona are feeding their prized pig, Ellen, when they receive word that their credit is overextended and they’re going to lose the farm. They tell each other that they’ve still got each other (and Ellen) with a slow version of “Sisters: We’ve got each other, if nothing else.”
End Act 1
Act II Scene 1 - exterior, farm
The two leads are closing up the farm, waiting for foreclosure, as Winona recaps the events in the first act with *“It’s a sad, sad tail, with a curl in it”, *when a limousine pulls up. The driver explains that he’s there to drive Luiza to Washington D.C. because president Obama feels a latina gay woman, especially a homeless farmer, would be perfect for the Supreme Court. He states that there is a rush, as congressional hearings are scheduled for the next day.
Luiza starts to get in the limousine, but, before she does she promises to send for Winona as soon as she receives her first Supreme Court paycheck. The limo driver says she should wait for the second check, as justices are required to buy their own robes and gavels. (Luiza: Really? Limo Driver: It’s a good thing we’re not in England, or you’d have to buy a wig as well.)
Winona waves good-bye as the limo drives away, then puts a hand to her head, feels a fever and then passes out, falling to the floor. Two farmers shout for her, feel her head and then carry her off of the stage.
Scene II - interior, Capital Hill / Interior farm building
There’s a bitter fight in Congress. Luiza is loudly criticized for her absolute lack of judicial experience. When a group of conservatives criticize her for her being a lesbian with “We need to know what goes on under those robes,” the leader of the hearing, Senator Barney Frank, bangs his gavel loudly which turns into a rythm for the showstopper “It would be good to have a gay on the bench.”
Meanwhile, Winona is in bed back at the farm. She laments the fact she can’t get medical attention in “*Where have all the doctors gone?" *-- pointing out both the fear people have of swine flu and the lack of general practitioners in rural America. She starts to sing a very slow version of the pair’s love theme “*Sisters, we’ve got each other 'til the end” *as Luiza, in congress, looks up and sings along.
Back in DC – a disgusted Luiza chastises Congress for their small-mindedness with the rocking theme “The world is changing - don’t get left behind.” She throws off her robe, and storms out.
Scene III - Interior, farm
Winona is in advanced stages of Swine Flu, and left untreated by the lack effective health care in the United States. As she sings “Fading fast – walking toward the light,” Luiza breaks in and explains she has a cure. The president’s faith in her (despite her lack of judicial trainng) gave her confidence to spend a week in a lab coming up with a cure for swine flu (despite her lack of medical training.) (Winona: Is it a vaccine?? – Luiza: No, it’s more of an ‘oinkment’!!)
Luiza gives Winona the cure, and the two start “Sisters - we’ve got each other, but nothing else,” when farmer Bob Berl bursts in with two large sacks of money saying “The stimulus money has arrived; our farms are all saved!” The women pick up their prized pig, Ellen, and, joined by the farmers and state senator, start dancing to “We finally put that lipstick on our pig.”
Curtain