I am never without a swiss army knife. Swiss army knives are like magical talismans in the sense that whenever there is an emergency where you need one, you never have it, so logically if you DO have it on you, the emergency never happens.
There are two companies who’s product can legally be called “Swiss army knives”. Wenger, who has the superior can opener design, and Victorinox, who has the beefier blade and, in my opinion, is the overall better knife.
For the remainder of this inchoherant rant I will be describing Victorinox knives.
Blade
This is the foremost feature of the Swiss army knife (hey, it’s so important it got the name). There are two blades in most SAK’s. One big one for everyday use, and a smaller one that stays razor sharp from disuse. The Victorinox knife blade is much beefier than the Wenger blade and is less likely to break under shearing force. Great for opening that bulletproof plastic wrap on CD’s.
Can opener / phillips head screwdriver
Remember that Warner Bros. cartoon where that cat is stranded in a house during a snowstorm with a pantry full of cat food cans, but no can opener? Theres a bit of wisdom there. What the hell can you use to open a can of tunafish other than a can opener? Steak knife? Your more likely to hurt youself than the can. Wood chisel? It’ll open it, but you’ll get the tuna all over yourself in the process. Axe? The tunafish will end up all over you AND the walls. So with my SAK I feel ready for any and all can-related emergencies, although I only tend to use this for puncturing the lids of guava juice cans. One hole on the bottom to pour, one on the top to prevent that vaccum action thing. The bladed part of the screwdriver is handy for fishing the pins out of door hinges and it’s dynamite for opening the battery compartment on your walkman.
Bottle opener / wire stripper
Life is unfair. When I drank beer outdoors with my friends, I could only afford canned beer. Now I can afford bottles, and I’m too old to drink it behind the high school gym. Never had any reason to strip wires, but if I ever need to hotwire a car to go on a cross country killing spree, I’m ready.
Scissors
Undoubtedly the most useful item on the knife. Great for getting rid of those little plastic thingies used to hold price tags on without ruining the fabric, and for those hard to open bags of potato chips.
Corkscrew
I wish I was cultured enough to need this, but it’s nice bieng prepared for that unexpected wine tasting.
Wrench
Not big enough to use on any real nuts or bolts. It is, however, wonderful for removing nostril hair, root and all.
Awl
Seems designed for the vandal whos work demands a tool with both strength and style. I think all the better graffitti scratched into the metal walls of toilet stalls requires the awl.
Magnifying glass
Won’t so much as fry an ant, useless.
Toothpick / tweezer
The toothpicks beveled shape makes for a more presise tool for scratching the inside of an itchy ear than your car keys, and less likely to stain than a ballpoin pen. The tweezers two springy arms are good for both taking earwax samples AND checking the wax’s viscosity (if the two springy arms get stuck together call your physician immiediatly).
