Onion: Normally you should face up to your problems. This month, however, all your problems will be wild boars, so you should run away,
Sagitarius: Jupiter will move across the asteroid belt, nudging one out of its stable orbit into a collision trajectory that will lead it to wipe you out of the Earths face next Monday at 10:38 AM.
Earthling math weak. Earthlings expendable. !0:36 AM.
If I’m asked my sign, I always reply, “Ox”. It never fails to confuse the dimwits who swallow that crap.
Yeah, I always say, “Aries – I was born a Libra, but I got it changed by deed poll.”
Say, it often and sincerely enough and some will say, “Really?”
My horoscope for today:
Man, it’s like they’ve known me all my life!
An aquaintance once insisted on drawing up a chart for me. When he was finished, he looked up the interpretations in a book, and read them out loud.
Everyone in the room laughed. Every single thing he said was wrong. It was as if he was busy describing the exact opposite of me. Even the “platitudes that apply to everyone” were ones that didn’t apply to me. If nothing debunks astrology, that does. Although I’m sure they have some sort of explaination (oh, well your rising house of the sun indicates that you might have a reverse reading…)
I may be one of the very few people in America that doesn’t know what his sign is. According to a professional astrologer, on the particular day that I was born the sign chaned from Virgo to Libra, so for her to give me a proper reading she would have to know the exact time of day that I was born, and I couldn’t provide her with that. So when people ask me what sign I am I’m happy to tell them that I don’t know.
(Lifted from something I vaguely remember from my teen years)
Virgo:
You’ve got this strange urgin’
That won’t go away
Your sign ain’t gonna last
The rest of the day.
Whaddya mean, and so on???
My sign was next!
Come on!
**SCORPIO **You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius - Just punch all the buttons. You know you can’t leave any of them un-pressed in case that was the one you should have pressed.
(From me, a fellow Sag, to you, vanilla :D)
/existential blues on/
There was a girl with psychic powers
She said “T-bone, what’s your sign?”
I blink and answer “NEON!”
I thought I’d blow her mind!
/existenital blues off/
Genuine calculations? For a horoscope?!?
Hey, it can be done – at least, accurately figuring out the location of various planets based on astronomical charts, whether or not you believe in them having any significance.
We were just too lazy (and stupid and pressed for time) to try to do it right.
Back when I was in high school I had written a paper on astrology; I don’t remember what class it was for or why I had chosen that as a topic. As part of the research I learned how to draw up astrolgical charts; a natal chart is made by plotting the location of the sun, the moon, and the planets at the moment of a person’s birth. The relationships of the planets at the moment of birth supposedly determined your personality, health etc. Horoscopes are produced by preparing the same chart for the current date and comparing this to a person’s natal chart, with the relationships between the various planets on the two charts indicating what sort of day you would have and all that nonsense.
BTW, bnorton, I’m in the same situation, except that I know my time of birth close enough to know that the sun was just crossing from Leo into Virgo at about the time I was born, which astrologically speaking means I share the qualities of both signs. Which goes a lot toward explaining my conflicting personality problems - or would if I believed in that crap.
**ARIES ** You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Pisces: You are a moron for believing in astrology. Your predilection for self-delusion increases. You will soon travel to an Indian casino and lose $5,700 at the roulette-table. You are poor at math. Your phone will be disconnected when you fail to pay for $875.35 in calls to the Psychic Hotline. You will spend much of the coming year watching American Idol. You will die having never registered to vote, but having amassed a sizeable collection of Star Wars memorabilia. Taurus and Saggitarius figure prominently in your life, unless they don’t. Special numbers: irrational numbers, the largest prime. Best days: get real.
having been a former serious student of astrology the correct response of a Sag would be “Which key should I press? These keys are ugly! Who designed them? You? Oh…uh…”