Stop sending me those stupid fucking horoscopes. I’ve told you I don’t like them and that they always predict negative things for me, but you still continue to send them to me. I don’t care about your mystical bullshit hobby. It freaks me out to have bad luck predicted for me time and again and frankly, I don’t need it. I don’t know if you find it funny, or if you simply don’t get it, but I’m telling you—STOP SENDING THEM OR I WILL NEVER OPEN ANOTHER EMAIL FROM YOU EVER AGAIN.
/rant
I think you should email them a horoscope of their own. Something along the lines of:
You will die a terrible, terrible death of you don’t stop cluttering people’s mailboxes with useless spam.
Cancer: You will find riches and happiness this month. Followed by a horrbily painful death the month after. enjoy!
anyone else got some horoscopes to share with indy?
(cancer’s my sign)
It’s so like a Taurus to rant like that.
The ones from the Onion are usually amusingly horrific. For example, from this week:
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
I shall not reveal my sign for fear of endless horoscopes.
Enjoy!!
Sagittarius - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
You mean you can get your horoscope from places other than the Onion?
Huh. Whoda thunk it?
Cancer: self-explanatory.
You don’t know how much you made me laugh Orange Skinner, thanks…
Note to self: Indygrrl - “What’s your sign?” a no-no.
…Astrolabe?
Wowza. I never actually read a horoscope that was COMPLETELY ME before! You got mad horoscopin’ skillz alice.
This reminds me of something we did for a high school fundraising fair, way back in CP/M days. We set up a computer station runing an “astrology” program that asked for name/date & time of birth/location of birth, and then “calculated” their “horoscope” (with much flashing on the screen of charts and ascii art graphics), and then it printed out a “personalized” reading. All for a buck, such a bargain!
It was just a scam, of course. None of us knew anything about astrology, and we made no attempt to do any genuine calculations other than looking up the sun sign off the usual chart.
We had just built up a database of a bunch of sentences, mostly from published horoscopes from back issues of newspaper. We split those into areas:
Astrological sounding phrases: “The rising moon in your fourth house is now moving into trine with Neptune.”
Personality blather that applies to just about everyone: “On the surface you appear confident, but underneath you are frequently besets by doubts.”
Simplistic advice about general health: “Trying to burn the candle at both ends will only leave you short-tempered. Take time to treat your body right, and you will get further in the long run.”
General wheezing that could apply to work or study or any other pursuit: “Your enthusiasm for a long-term project has been on the wane, but now is not the time to give up! Redouble your efforts and an unexpected source of help will bring success closer.”
Relationships/romance ramblings: “True love does not hide in exotic climates: shorten your focus and look closer at the people around you.”
Predictions of woes giving away to good things eventually: “Shortly you will undergo a new experience, and it will leave you with great insight on your situation. You will realize that what looks like roadblocks to you now are in truth doorways leading to fulfilling new adventures.”
The program just spit back a header with the data the “client” had entered, and then printed out paragraphs formed by randomly selecting from 2 to 4 sentences in each area.
The reactions of the buyers was what was amazing: NOBODY complained that their reading was wrong. At most, someone would say, “Well, I’m not sure about this bit here, but the rest of it is right on.”
An awful lot of people wouldn’t let the people with them read their printouts – they said it was ‘too personal’ to share.
Amazing, huh?
If you don’t believe in that nonsense, then why worry about it? Besides, it’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Fools, you doubt the Power of the Stars? When the Stars Are Right, I will show you all, show you all I say puny mortals. MWHAHAHAHA!!
I knew this would be a great thread!(optimism)
(I do lack talent)
oops-sorry, not a drug or drunk person
Hey! Whatre you laughing at???
vanilla, a Sag.
HI! This is your astology phone line!
If you are an Aries, press any number at all, so long as you do it RIGHT NOW!! PUNCH IT!!
Taurus: stare at the phone intently, wait long enough and it will press itself
Gemini: Press 3. No, wait, 4. No, maybe 3 was right. No, its 4, I’m sure now.
Cancer: Press 5 and burst into tears.
Leo: I wouldn’t dream of telling you what number to press
Virgo: Dont touch the phone. Germs.
Libra: Press two numbers simultaneously. It wont work, but you cant help yourself.
Scorpio: Stare like a Taurus, but with dark suspicion. The phone is up to something. You just don’t know what.
And so on…
From The Onion
Virgo: Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you’re not really happy with any of them.
I Love Legos! That’s so creepy, it must be true!