So it came to pass that my most recent beau and I were not exactly made for each other. It was a fairly short relationship (6 months) so we’ve returned to being friends rather easily.
And I’m left to contemplate why things didn’t turn out so well. My conclusion? I think I’m trying to hard to find “the one.” (Yes, if you’re lurking, you were right :rolleyes: ) Not that we didn’t get along well in many ways, just that there were a lot of things that should have told me “This is not meant to be a serious relationship.” The age difference. My personal problems. Needing to focus on other things like school and work. His very recent prior relationship. Different priorities.
I did the same thing with my last, much longer relationship. I spent 2 years with a guy, the whole time my gut screaming “What the hell is wrong with you? Look at him! That’s not what you want!” but too afraid to break it off with him because I didn’t want to be alone again.
I’m surprised that it happened. Through most of my teens and early 20s I was single. 5 years straight, to be exact. I was independent, self-sufficient, and although I wanted a boyfriend, I didn’t need one. :dubious: I dated, there were guys I was interested in, but it never turned into anything serious. Probably because, unbeknownst to me, I was giving off eye-watering, asthma-inducing amounts of Eau de Desperation.
So no boyfriends. No dating. It’s Me Time, until such time as I really, truly, don’t need someone else to make me happy.
Ah bless you. It’s so freakin’ difficult to break the whole “but you gotta stop trying to find someone / I’m NOT looking / you come across as desperate / am not / am too / NOT / too / NOTNOTNOT” cycle that goes on with loved ones or in your own head. Sadly, you really can’t get to that place unless you already are. Makes perfect sense, huh?
As one who sucks at relationships at the resounding age of 40, my pathetic suggestion is some sort of obsession to insert into that void until you get past the withdrawal stages. In my case, it’s been everything from horror movies to eBay to (yes, you all can giggle at this part) Alice Cooper. But hey, whatever works. And one day you’ll wake up and things have gone from trying to find The One all the time to just a couple of hours a day. Then you’ll look again and you’ll realize even larger gaps of time have passed by without you feeling like your making an idiot of yourself. Lather, rinse and repeat until the obsession is no longer necessary and neither is your feelings about TRUE LOVE.
It kinda hurts, takes too freakin’ long and, in my experience, seems pretty haphazard. However, it’s a pretty tame substitute (much better than rebound / Mr. Right Now / etc. options) and once perspective and peace settles in, life begins to gradually upright your world. Good luck and hang in there. Sometimes the best things come to those who fight to wait.
You’re being very smart, RedRosesForMe. IMO, it’s so much better not to worry about finding the perfect guy or relationship and just be. And if someone comes along, great. If not, oh well.
I dunno, just because reading Gestalt’s thread somewhere around here about keeping men made me think about how I think all too often, I see a fairly attractive guy who shares some common interests and whose company I can stand for more than 20 minutes and decide that’s the one for me without regard to whether or not we’re truly compatible in the long run. Casual dating? Sure. Sex? Yes, please. But not necessarily the one for me.
I think it has something to do with my biological clock. I’m still young, but my friends are starting to get married and have kids, and for years that was my Main Goal in life. Now, I’m not sure. I like babies. I luuuurve babies. I don’t think I like kids though. So not having the pressure to find someone to have hot sweaty monkey sex with so’s at some as-yet-undetermined point in the future we can make babies, well, that might help me be not so neurotic.
Just, for right now, I’m not sure I’m ok with myself and my life that I won’t be clingy and needy and desperate, and I’d rather not get involved in anything serious right now because I’ve got a lot of other stuff on my mind. Seriously, it would have to be a total Prince Charming fantasy (though probably a motorbike instead of a horse) where he swept me off my feet, took me to Paris for a week, but we didn’t see Paris at all because we spent the entire time in the hotel room, then he took me back to his place where he showed me his collection of books, foreign films, and history geek accoutrements, then made me dinner. IOW, I probably won’t be dating anybody unless everything that comes out of their mouth makes me say, “Me too!” and want to rip their clothes off.
I’m actually terrified at the idea of a serious, long-term relationship if I think about it long enough, although at the same time I’m not completely against the idea. My philosophy is that if it happens, it happens - but at the moment, observing the long term relationships happening around me has made me quite cynical about the whole thing in general. I think it’s also because I’m at a rather unstable period in my life - I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing next year, so the thought of committing to anything that might last longer than that makes me somewhat nervous.
But whatever. I think you’ve made a good decision, RedRoses. I did the whole “dating for the sake of having a boyfriend” thing in college, mostly because all my other girlfriends had boyfriends at the time, until finally I decided that being in a relationship was not necessarily better than being alone. It took a while to be comfortable with myself, but now I think I’ve settled into a “if it happens, it happens; if not, that’s fine too” kind of philosophy.
Interesting thread. I’m much in the same place right now. I’m ready to date, and will do so, but I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve decided to be very transparent about this with my new friends so far, and so far they seem not only to not hate me for it, they’re really OK with it. They know I’m dating others, and I encourage them to do the same. I’m making a strict no sex policy, just to keep weird jealousies and things like that at bay. (It’ll be interesting to see how many times I’ll have the opportunity to say “OK, but just this once.”) And at the end of it, if a really great relationship emerges, I’ll decide if I want to be in it. In the meantime, dating is not going to be a search, just fun times with interesting people.
RedRoses, best of luck to both of us in our non-searches!
Take some time. Enjoy yourself. Don’t turn down coffee dates (cuz you never know what might happen) but let things go where they may and just enjoy it.
It’s what I’ve been doing ever since I finally got over my ex, I’ve been on a couple dinner dates, taken a lover for a few months (ended now, but I didn’t really expect it to last though it may have been nice… but naw he wasn’t the one for me, he was beginning to irritate me).
My only hitch is that my best friend is engaged and quite happy and seems to think that I need a man also. She doesn’t quite get that I’m pretty much happy to be single, as long as I can take a lover from time to time and avoid Valentine’s day.
) Not that we didn’t get along well in many ways, just that there were a lot of things that should have told me “This is not meant to be a serious relationship.” The age difference. My personal problems. Needing to focus on other things like school and work. His very recent prior relationship. Different priorities.
Good luck and hang in there. Sometimes the best things come to those who fight to wait.