I am currently in this position as the parent. Sorry if I come off as a grumpy parent - That is only because I am one. My son almost flunked out last semester but has been given one last chance. So far he is sleeping all day and partying all night when school starts next week. Not a good sign.
Let me tell you, it is one of the suckiest, most frustrating experiences of my life to watch my son go down in flames and not be able to do anything about it. A few bad grades you can overlook but when it just goes on and on it becomes obvious that somebody isn’t really interested in what college has to offer. With lies piled on, it’s like having someone you love spit in your face. Really. Seriously.
Your first order of business should be to try to set things right with your parents. Have a real conversation about what your plans are and seriously consider something other than college. I’m not trying to be mean but just trying to get back into college wouldn’t be nearly enough to convince me that anything has changed for the better. Your parents would probably like to see some sort of solid evidence that things are going to be different this time. Give your parents hope. They are people too.
Secondly, don’t sit on your ass. Get a job, help around the house, go to the school and actually talk to people in charge. Whatever you were doing before, you need to up your game a lot. Good luck.
His/her son’s sleeping all day and partying all night isn’t affecting his schoolwork right now, since classes aren’t in session. But it doesn’t look good to his parents, and that’s enough reason why the OP (and others in the same situation) shouldn’t be doing it right now. This is something I only came to understand once I was older than college age.
Assuming he is living at home, why do you allow this?
I can only imagine. So what are your plans? Do you feel you put in a sufficient effort for the first 18 years? You cannot control your son’s actions and choices, but you certainly can control yours.
My story: first year of college, first semester, did okay; second semester, smoked too much pot, skipped too many classes. Received “academic probation” and a recomendation to take a semester off. Instead, I enrolled at a different (much smaller) campus of the same university system. It really put a kibosh on my spirits. The smaller campus was 10 miles from my home town and I felt like an utter failure for the ensuing three years, since most of my friends, even the ones who fucked up (see below) were still at the big U’s.
My friend’s story: first year of college, first semester, did okay; second semester, smoked too much pot, skipped too many classes. Received “academic probation” and a recomendation to take a semester off. Instead he went to his advisor and told him he didn’t want to take a semester off. Advisor said, “ok,” and my friend spent the next three years there.
Moral: talk to your advisor. I didn’t, and I’ve regretted it since.
You do understand that he might not be doing this to hurt you or because he has contempt for you, right? He might love you and want you to think well of him, and it’s not always easy to tell someone like that that things aren’t going well for you, especially if it might be your own fault that things aren’t going well. I’ve been in that kind of situation, with my parents and with Mr. Neville, more times than I can count.
I was trying to give the OP some idea how a parent feels in these situations … and maybe venting a little … not looking for advice, yet. My son is at home because it is Christmas break … schools closed, families get together, etc. I know he isn’t out to get me or to hurt me. He is just lazy and shiftless like his old man except that he hasn’t gotten a clue how to make it work yet. I hope the OP has gotten that clue.
The worst thing you can do is go back into any kind of schooling right away.
Start by getting up tomorrow and getting your resume in gear and start job hunting.
Tell your parents you plan to go back to school but you’re going to immediately start looking for work.
Tell them that way you can pay them some room and board (say 35% of what you take home from your job) and then offer to pay some money toward the classes you failed, since you indicated your parents were footing the cost.
They most likely won’t make you pay it all back but at least come to them with a plan like the 35% for room/board and $25.00 a week toward the failed classes.
This will show them your serious. Of course job prospects aren’t that great, but no one died from taking a dead end job for awhile, if you can find such.
My advisor (who is an angel and too good to me), got an administrative F from last Spring semester turned over to a C+ (long story short, it was her class, I didn’t complete the class, I got my ass in gear to finish the last lab). It’s not solid yet, but I think that will mitigate the Dismissal.
However, I will still be withdrawing from the university and transferring to a local community college. I know a couple of people here have said that’s a bad idea, but it’s what will work for me.
I can’t even begin to think about what I have done to my family. Both my parents are heartbroken, my sisters are scared of what will happen next…I really screwed up. Lot of what-ifs going through my head right now, the loudest being “What if I had just told my parents the truth last semester when I was having trouble?” I was too scared. Too scared they would take me out of UConn, which really would have been the best choice. sigh Going to a family counselor with my family tomorrow, hoping that will help a bit. It’s going to take a long time to fix this, probably my whole life.
I am also job hunting, got 5 applications to various local places. Best leads so far are Walgreen’s and McDonald’s – either one would be good, but Walgreen’s is walking distance.
I’m an advisor at a large university, and I’m glad you’ve started this thread because I’d never thought of this as a possible reason students might not seek help. When I was in college, my parents constantly held tuition payments over my head, and I wouldn’t have wanted to give them any reason to stop helping me out.
If you need a semester at a community college, then that’s what you should do. It’s great that you have a good advisor who you feel comfortable working with. Be nice to yourself.
It sounds like you have chosen a wise path for yourself. I suspect the trust broken with your parents (not asking for help) will take a while to heal, so don’t expect miracles overnight…but I suspect your parents are decent people. The simple willingness to go to counseling shows that they do care.
My sister, much older than you, screwed up royally. And repeatedly. And in a MUCH more dramatic way than you have. And my parents forgave her.
Well, unless you invent a time machine, the what-ifs don’t really help. Just focus on what you can do from here going forward. If you do invent a time machine, I want to borrow it.
Great! Remember, despite what snotty, ill-informed people may say, there is nothing wrong with taking classes at a community college. Do make sure that everything will transfer over, if you plan on returning to University. You will encounter a very different culture at a CC, and it can be a good way to gain perspective. People who go to these schools often are older and have families and jobs, etc but still attend class and complete their assignments. Pretty inspirational for me. There are not usually the normal big university distractions either. I found that being around “real people”, or at least people who have been out in the world had a very positive impact on me.
What is there to be scared about? You will still be in school, and you will be making progress towards your degree–you are just taking the classes in a different setting.
I went to a CC and now teach at one, so I wouldn’t turn up my nose at the idea either.
There are/should be plenty of people to help out a struggling student: counselors, transfer reps, financial aid, career center; there are certificate programs, not just degree programs; clubs and organizations; profs who are just as skilled and educated as those at universities; and even opportunities to work on- or off-campus.
I will second this. And I will add that you (Arachne) are giving me hope that my son can do a similar turnaround. If I were your parent I would be very encouraged by your moves so far.
Even if the OP and shiftless’s son never do end up getting their bachelor’s degrees, they should keep this in mind: only 24% of adults in the US and 1% of adults in the world have a bachelor’s degree. It’s easy to lose sight of that when you’re hanging out with mostly college students and faculty. I have this problem- most of the people Mr. Neville and I know have Ph.D’s, and I feel like a failure and dumb because I don’t.
Dismissal is off my transcript, taking leave of absence for Spring semester. Meeting with first community college went well, admissions counselor was v. nice and recomended I go into the Liberal Arts w/Math&Science focus Associates degree program – going to pull all the strings I know hoe to to get the max. amount of credits transferred from UConn for this.
Tentative plan for the next few months is to work ass of at CC this coming spring and summer, earn associates degree and get the high grades I know I’m capable of, then transfer back to UConn (or possibly another school of the same caliber).
Hoping this snow slows down soon so I can walk down to the library for the afternoon.
