Talk me into/out of quitting my job (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Not a rant, I’ll just set the scene, list a few pros and cons and let some neutral observers (translation: total strangers) weigh in.

I have worked as a nanny for the same family for a little over nine years. When I was hired, I was told my job was to take care of the baby and the older child, and do light housekeeping. While the mom was pregnant, I was doing all the housekeeping. Fine, no problem, she was on bedrest. After she had the baby, she went back to her residency. So, sucky hours, especially for her, and there I was only doing light housekeeping. At that time, she hired someone to come in and clean once a week. I still took care of stuff like laundry, meals and dishes, plus general pick-up of clutter. But I could tell she wasn’t happy. That should have been my first clue.
When she was through with her residency, she got a job at a hospital in a very small town. They got a huge house, three stories with wood floors. I was not keeping up with the housekeeping. The baby was only 2, the older child was 10. My duties expanded to buying groceries and picking up the mail at the post office, plus a bunch of other little stuff. The mom was one of three doctors, soon to be only two. So, sucky hours. Bad work environment for her, too. Yet again, someone was hired to come and clean the house once a week. Not so much unhappiness about this, because it was generally agreed I was doing a lot, especially when the baby started school. I participated in a lot of school activities that mom couldn’t make it to. (I should mention, dad’s a farmer, so he’s gone most of the time).
Now we come recent events. About a year and a half ago, we moved again. I stayed with them, because there didn’t seem to be a lot of job options in Small Town, North Dakota. They got a house, much smaller, in a much bigger town. Fine, call it a city, a nice medium-sized midwestern city. I can no longer do things like take a signed check to the grocery store and do the shopping. We live outside of town, so I have to drive everywhere. (There was no mention of getting a raise to take care of my rising gas bills.) Something was mentioned in passing about me doing more housework. We never sat down and had a discussion about how things would change. I’ve realized by this point that there is no such thing as light housekeeping with this woman, but after six years of not having to worry about the big stuff like bathrooms, floors, dusting, etc., it’s a little hard to get into the swing of things, especially since I really, really hate doing it.
So, she gets mad about the house not being kept up. It’s never really bad, but she likes the house to be a showcase. She’ll go on a cleaning rampage every once in a while. If I happen to be around, she will make snide remarks. Not addressed to me, just made loudly to the room in general. After nine years, if she doesn’t know by now that that kind of behavior on her part will not get the desired results out of me, she hasn’t been paying attention. It may work on her husband and children, but I haven’t lived with her as long as they have. In fact, that kind of thing is guaranteed to make me leave the vicinity as quickly as possible.
Also, when I actually do housework, it’s never up to her standards. She had a Halloween party last fall and when her guests walked into the house, the first thing she said to them was, “This is the cleanest my house has been since we moved here.” Of course, she had participated in the cleaning. So, passive-aggressive person that I am, I rarely bother to try anymore. This doesn’t help the situation, of course.
For the last two weeks, she has been sick, sick enough to stay home and sleep most of the day. Her husband came down with it, too. I had been doing housework, slap-dash though it may be, but I chose not to vacuum while she and her husband were sleeping off their illness. I did dust, but I didn’t scrub floors or bathrooms. In order to save my sanity, I volunteer at the library three days a week and I work a second job some evenings and weekends, so basically, I have tried to be gone as much as possible while she is home. I refuse to do housework while she is in the house, period.
I can’t tell if she is pissed at me for not doing housework while she has been sick, or if she is still shaking off the bug. All I know is I am getting sick and tired of the tension.

So, pros for quitting:

  1. No more tension. Stress kills and I’m too young to die.
  2. More time to devote to my second job. I like it much better.
  3. My time would be my own, I wouldn’t have to revolve around her schedule.
  4. An offer from my boyfriend to move in with him. Don’t know if I’m ready for that, though.
  5. Other stuff I can’t think of right now, but I know they’re good things.

Cons:

  1. Would need to find a place to live. I don’t pay rent here.
  2. Not guaranteed to get another job that will enable me to pay the bills and afford a place to live. Due to stupidity on my part, I fell into a credit-card hole and I’m slowly digging myself out. I have no savings and I’m living paycheck to paycheck, even with my second job.
  3. My leaving would put them in a tight spot, especially when school lets out. I don’t want to leave with bad feelings between us. I just don’t want all this tension in my life.
    4.This is the biggest one. It will be very hard to leave the little girl I have been taking care of since she was born.

Options:
My mom has said that I can move back home (my family lives in another state), but I don’t want to do that. My brother moved home, and he can’t find work. I doubt I would have better luck.
I could live with my grandfather on his farm, which is about half an hour away. I probably wouldn’t have to pay too much rent, plus I could keep my second job and look for another full-time one. I would have a bit of a commute, though, and most of my stuff would have to go into storage.
I could live with my aunt in town. Big minuses there are the strained relationship she has with her husband and the very real possibility I would be an on-demand babysitter and chauffeur for her children.
I could go live with my boyfriend. He lives in the small town I moved away from 1 1/2 years ago. I could get a job at the same place he works, a place about which he has very little good to say.

Or, I can stay here, suck it up, and wait for my financial situation to improve. Unless I get fired first.

Maybe you can tell I’m leaning very heavily towards quitting.

So, any advice, options I haven’t thought of, general silliness? I’ll take the best suggestions, stick them in a hat and pull one out at random to decide my future.

Seriously, it helps just to get this off my chest.

2

Well, have you ever sat down with your employer and laid out your responsibilities? Have you ever let her know you’re unhappy with some of the things which’ve been put on your shoulders? That would be my first suggestion, if you’ve not done it already - talk to them and discuss both of your needs and expectations. Passive-aggressive behaviour won’t really help solve the problem and will likely just compound it.

If you’ve attempted to discuss these issues previously and met with resistance or lack of response, then I would say you need to weigh the stability of the job against your general happiness and determine which is more important to you. Personally, when I am unhappy with my job situation and know that things won’t change, I find a new job.

As for your other options, it seems you already know moving home with your mom would be a bit of a dead-end option, especially if the job market there is weak.

I think moving in with your boyfriend under the circumstances would be a mistake; you wouldn’t be moving in with him because you’re ready to take the next step in the relationship, you’d just be moving to get away from something else. That’s not the best way to progress your relationship and is more likely to cause problems than anything.

Likewise, moving in with your aunt sounds as if it would not improve your situation; you’d be moving into essentially the same position you’re already in. If you’re not happy with it where you are now, you’re not going to be happy with it someplace else. :wink:

All things considered, it sounds as if moving in with your grandfather might be a good option for you, should you decide to quit your current job. A commute is something you can adjust to, and storage doesn’t cost that much - the relief of being out of an unpleasant situation will probably counter those two drawbacks to some degree. FWIW, I’ve put my stuff in storage and lived as a house-sitter for a month or more previously & it wasn’t really bad at all since I knew it would be temporary.

Ultimately, only you know what’s best for you; go with your gut instinct on this - it’s more likely to be correct than what anyone else can tell you. Good luck! :slight_smile:

3

Thanks for the reply, Sionach.

We have sat down for a “talk” before, but that usually means she tells me how upset she is that the house isn’t as clean as she likes it. I always end up wasting the opportunity to discuss the situation because no matter how much I’ve thought out what I want to say, it flies right out of my head when I’m faced with saying them out loud.

I have considered writing her a letter, but so far everything I’ve written turns into a rant. I’m still working on it.

So far, going with my gut has led me to only think about quitting. I’ll see how things go after she goes back to work.

You’ve given good advice, thanks.

4

I am really trying to be objective and helpful here…

Your post doesn’t read like someone in an employer/employee relationship. It reads like someone who is living at home dealing with a tempermental mother. Methinks that is a major part of the problems that are leading you to think about quitting.

I realize that actually living with your employer contributes to a non-traditional working relationship, BUT, she is still your employer. She PAYS you to perform work for her. I think it’s really counter-productive (for both of you) to be making snide comments or engaging in passive aggressive behavior.

It sounds like you need to get the cleaning thing worked out. Sit down with her. EXACTLY what does she expect you to do on a weekly basis? Write it down. Are you willing to do it? If you are, then agree to it, and DO IT, if you are not, tell her so and negotiate or let her find an alternative.

I guess I would just suggest that you take a step back. You are literally immersed in the situation and it seems as though you have lost sight of the fact that this is an employee/employer relationship. She sounds like kind of a control freak and you sound like you are getting taken advantage of. I suggest nailing down your responsibilities and your compensation package (complete with raises, especially for increased fuel expenses, etc.) just as you would with any job.

Plus, if you are seriously thinking about leaving, now is a really good time to have a cup of confidence soup and schedule a meeting to revisit your responsibilities/compensation/overall overhaul of your presence within the family.

Good luck!

5

I agree with a lot of what you said, Igloo. I have had to stop myself from telling her that I’m her employee. I think a remark like that would only lead to another discussion of what I’m not doing.
I’m trying to see her side in this, too. She is paying me, and I’m not doing what she thinks I should be doing. Plus, I’m basically a second mother to her younger child. Resentment because of this flairs up from time to time, especially after I get back from my holiday vacation.
I guess my problem is: What can she reasonably expect from me? In the past, I have been available 24/7. I still work well into the evening and a few weekends when she’s on call. She keeps telling me my second job is ok with her, but my two schedules do conflict occasionally, no matter how much I try to arrange things.
The money situation is very touchy. When we first moved, I did mention that I was using a lot more gas. There wasn’t a discussion, but the next morning, I was told that I wouldn’t have to drive the little girl to school in the mornings anymore. They are making two house payments, plus the dad does a lot of commuting because the farm is so far away.
I’ve seen how they react when an employee asks for more money. The relationship became very strained, and I think there was resentment on both sides for some time after that. There’s enough tension as it is between us, I hate to think of how much worse it would be if I asked for more money.

Sorry for the multiple epic posts. Just when I think I’ve gotten the situation laid out, oops, here are some more details you probably don’t care to know.

I do appreciate the responses I’ve gotten so far.

6

A better question might be, what are you willing to give? How much of a time commitment are you comfortable with? Assuming you’re interested in working things out, then figure out how much you are willing to do and how much time you are willing to spend on it, and then discuss that with her.

You’ve mentioned you have a hard time talking to her about what you want because your conversations with her frequently turn into her telling you how you’re not living up to her expectations. I was wondering, are those conversations you initiate or are they conversations she initiates? You might find it easier to let her know what you want if you initiate the conversation so the premise of it isn’t about your “failures.”

Moving on from something after that many years can be scary - big life changes always are. If you’re just staying there because you’re scared of making changes, that’s probably not the best reason to stay. So maybe ask yourself, what do you want to do with your life? Do you want to spend the next 10 years working in this position? If your gut instinct is telling you to move on, you’d probably be well-advised to listen to it. :wink:

7

I handed in my notice, I’m leaving at the end of the summer.
Actually, I’ll still be picking up the little girl after school and watching her in the afternoons, but I won’t be living with the family anymore, plus I’m going to get yet another job. It might be easier to arrange my life and finances if I just left altogether, but it would be very hard on me and the little girl if I did that.

8

I wouldn’t worry about getting fired. You have to sell slaves.

Get out while you can.

9

Sounds like a fairly balanced solution & I’d imagine your relationship with your “boss” will improve when you’re no longer living there. Sometimes a slow extrication like that works well, especially when taking the feelings of a young child into consideration. Just be sure to keep your boundaries clear after you move so you don’t end up virtually living there anyway & don’t be afraid to step away if it becomes too taxing for you. Good luck with it - keep us updated on how things go with the move. :slight_smile:

10

I am slowly extricating myself :slight_smile: .

11

Well, too late to offer advice, except encouragement. Mrs. Voyager used to teach at a nanny school, and we housed several student nannies, and have kept up with many of them as they went off to work.

Your problem is not that unique. Many families have a hard time recognizing a nanny as a professional, and want to treat her as a
substitute housekeeper. I think you made a good choice.

12

Thanks for the encouragement, Voyager .
I was never trained as a nanny, it’s just something I fell into. Basically, I’m a glorified babysitter :slight_smile: