I am engaged to be married. At roughly the same time we got engaged, his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He (involuntarily) left work to be her primary caregiver.
Watching him go through this is heart-wrenching. He is a good son but he is super stressed about not having a job and every time we talk it’s a total drag. I like her very much and watching her go through this is horrendous. On top of it all, there is really no time to plan a wedding-- I floated the idea of postponing it, but he didn’t want to because he’s hoping she’ll be able to participate in the ceremony.
Having a relationship right now is so hard. We can’t really spend time together alone. We definitely can’t go anywhere more than like an hour away for any length of time. I would feel horrible about suggesting I go somewhere by myself just to “get away” because I want to support him and his mom. There is a lot of uncertainty, from day to day and somewhat in terms of longer-term prognosis.
I feel trapped, and I feel selfish and guilty for feeling trapped. I understand life cannot be good all the time, but just when we should be at our happiest, I think we’re possibly at our worst. I don’t know what to do but I really want to hide somewhere for just like 2 days and not talk to anyone or do anything or stress about this stuff at all.
As a side note, I think I’ve gained a good 10lbs from stress eating How do you keep it all together during a time like this?
If you want to marry the man the details of the wedding are less relevant than having a wedding while his mother is still capable of seeing her son married. Cake, fancy invitations, flowers and all that, while admittedly romantic and part of the package society sells you as to what a wedding should be, are of little importance compared to family bonds and memories.
In ten or twenty years have a fancy renewal of the vows.
Actually I couldn’t care less about any of that. I told him I’d be fine if we just went to the justice of the peace to make sure we can have some sort of ceremony with his mom involved. He’s the one who wants a wedding party and everything that entails, but planning anything is next to impossible.
He may not be thinking clearly, in which case, it’s up to you to help. It sounds like he’s not being realistic in how he can fulfill all his obligations. You can get legally married easily, then throw a huge party when it’s a better time.
Obviously, right now, Mum comes first. It doesn’t sound like she has much time left. He needs to concentrate on her.
Is he the sole caregiver? He needs downtime too, in order to care for her properly.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Ivylad’s mother is dying and it’s really just a waiting game at this point.
“Terminal” can mean a lot of things. It’s one thing if she definitely only has a few weeks or months to live; but quite another if she may live for many years. If it’s obvious that she will be gone in three months, then the decent thing (within reason) is to suck it up and just try to be supportive. If she may be alive for a year or more, possibly needing long-term palliative care, then it would be a mistake to fail to assert and discuss the validity of your own feelings and needs. And if (in the context of a prognosis of a year or more) his reaction is be dismissive about that discussion, with a reaction like “how can you be so selfish when my mother has cancer”, then I’d say that’s reason for serious concern. It’s a normal thing for our parents to die before we do, and almost all of us have to deal with that in one way or another (although obviously some circumstances are far more difficult that others) while retaining some degree of balance in our lives.
Tell him you need a couple of days for yourself. Tell him you hope he understands. Then do it. It will do you both some good and you may be surprised to find that he’ll welcome it as well.
Can you enlist some friends to help plan the wedding? He obviously can’t, and you have your hands full supporting him. Scale down from what you (or he) had in mind, but it can still be more than a justice of the peace.
And you absolutely should take a couple of days off without feeling guilty. Let your fiance know you’re at the breaking point and you can come back better able to support him. If he can’t understand that or tries to guilt-trip you, it might be better to know that about him now rather than after you are married.
My cousin moved up her wedding, and it was pretty simple, so that her mother, my aunt, could be there. The woman died less than two months later. And the day before the wedding my cousin, who is a nurse. helped attend in the ER when my father was brought in, mortally injured in an accident. I’ve never heard her say anything about being sorry the wedding celebration wasn’t fancy, she’s finally got a good guy, and that’s what counts.
You want to support them, but it sounds like you’re at the point where your ability to be supportive is starting to break down.
If you don’t take care of at least some of your own needs, you won’t be able to take care of theirs.
Take your couple of days away/apart. You deserve it. Don’t feel horrible about it! You’re not being selfish - just the opposite. If you implode from the stress, you won’t be able to support anyone. Your needs are important too.
How do you keep it all together during a time like this?