Dear Asshole Number One:
It is not a good idea, when encountering an obviously insane woman who is telling her french fries that she is going to call the cops on them, and who has probably been sitting in that seat at McDonalds for the past eight hours, to attempt to strike up a conversation with said woman for the amusement of you and your vapid little bimboic friends.
Dear Asshole Number Two:
It is not a good idea to push a stroller into a revolving door. If I had been pushing on my partition a little faster, I would have crushed your stroller and the little Satan-spawn inside it, when you discovered that you+stroller+revolving door = stupid. See the regular door right next to the revolving one? Why don’t you give that a try. Schmuck.
Dear Assholes Number Three:
There were two empty seats on either side of me in an otherwise packed movie theater. When you dungfuckers filled those up, I realized that you four “people” were together, and offered to move down so you could have four contiguous seats. I’m a nice fucking guy, after all. You declined my offer. You then proceeded to talk over me during the entire fucking movie.
Six supreme assholes in one day. What a life, eh?
Feel free to share.
PS: Dear Unknown Asshole Number Four: There is a reason my brand new dog that I just adopted from the shelter flinches almost every time someone new goes to pet him. It’s because you hit him. Dickhead.
It’s OK, Friedo. You’ve come to the right place. There are some non-fucker people out here, see?
:: pats Friedo’s back::
My family had a snide remark we tried not to make when people like that got to us (in reference to the ones whose stupidity put themselves or their spawn in danger): “Just think of it as evolution-in-action.”
Since we’re bitching about idiots-in-action in public, put me down for wanting to strangle this particular breed of
idiot.
Business traveller
Boarding aiplane, running late.
Carrying:
-One laptop/briefcase
-One garment bag
-One overcaot/trench coat
-One large cup of hot coffee
-One envelope of tickets/intinerary
In order to sit down, genius has to put the coffe in the aisle, wander around with the oversized garment bag, clench tickets in mouth and balance briefcase on shoulder with coat thrown over arm.
Do I need to go on. Can’t you just see this piece of shit in action?
I wouild like to strangle him with his coat, throw the hot cofee in his face, smash the laptop over his head, shove the tickets down his throat and zip his fat ass into his fucking garment bag.
My personal pet peeve. People on crowded airplanes, with bags that are WAY too be to be carry on. Doesn’t anyone check that stupid little size requirement box in the airport? “If your bag does not fit in here, you must have it checked”, or whatever. People tumble onto the plane, hitting everone as they pass with their bag. Realize their overhead is slightly full, so they go to another one. Hold everyone up as they shove it into the compartment. Doesn’t fit. Eventually, the stewardess comes and puts it somewhere for them. Too bad she doesn’t just throw it out the window…
Since this thread has drifted into the realm of air travel, I’ll chip in my two cents.
I try to be on time for the plane. That means half an hour before departure, so when they call the rows, everyone can get on the plane in order and sit down without people having to get up and move out of each other’s way. You get on and then sit and read “Douchebag Airlines Magazine” for 20 or 30 minutes while they get the plane ready.
Then, just when you think they’re going to pull the chocks and taxi to the runway, another group of passengers gets on. They’re not in a hurry, just ambling into the plane, looking around as if they’re on a guided tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, banging your head with their oversized carryons as they shuffle past, making you move to let them by, taking the empty seat next to you.
Who are these fuckers? Why do they appear on every flight? Are they from another flight that was late coming in? (in that case, they’re the airline’s responsibility). I say, ten minutes before departure, close the door, and let these buttmonkeys take the bus. And let me have my damn empty seat so I have someplace to set my magazine while they serve dinner.
No, not really, just with an ironic appreciation of reality. For the record, the quote is from Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle’s “Oath of Fealty” and has served as a remarkably apt quote over the years.
By the way, at a Westercon held in Portland, Oregon some years back I had a chance to thank Mr. Niven for introducing the phrase to the language. He elaborated that his brother had been involved in that Jonestown cult but had not made the trip to Jonestown or been involved in the mass suicide, and the phrase was one he had used in talking with his brother in an effort to make the brother see the tragic events in a different light.
Oh yeth. THAT breed. I’m on a flight from NYC to ATL to see my top-secret paramour a few years ago. Some fuckwit comes on with this gargantuan THING. Now, why the gate attendant ( who couldn’t quite handle the pressure of an IHOP dishwashing position so they became a fucking Gate Attendant for AirTran ) didn’t stop them is beyond me. At any rate, Miss Art Lover is in the aisle, yammering at the nice and polite but strong willed flight attendant.
Said By Art Lover
.
Ooooh, it was special. YOU FUCKING MORON, IF YOU OWN A PIECE OF ART THAT YOU CONSIDER TO BE PRICELESS, WHY IS IT IN A SOFT BAG??? <gasping for air here>. Who’s the nitwit who carries anything of value without proper protection? It got very ugly. Artie refused to release the object to be send down into the hold, and Flightie wouldn’t let such a large thing be shoved into the coat rack area. Eventually, Artie left the flight. I guess it really WAS something of some value.
You wanna put on a show? Get a fucking agent and rent a theatre. None of us are interested in your toys. This isn’t Kindergarten and it’s not your day for Show 'N Tell. Asshole.
You know, Cartooniverse, I think you id’d the problem. People continue to bring large tracts of baggage on the plane with them because they get away with it. The only time I’ve ever seen the rules seriously enforced is on small puddle-jumpers where there just isn’t any storage big enough in the cabin for steamer trunks. If the flight crew started cracking down it would eventually ease the problem (and be darn fun to watch). But they won’t, because a dissatisfied customer is potentially a lost customer. Plus arguuing with these boneheads takes time they don’t have.
I’ve only seen the proper thing done once. On a flight back from Honolulu, big-ass DC-10 plane, overbooked of course. It’s bad enough people are loading boxes of pineapples into the overheads. Then the large-ish woman comes on (her ass probably violated carry-on rules). Late, so there’s less than zero stowage space left anyhow. She’s got three honkin’ huge hat boxes. Wants all of them in their own hermetically sealed overhead bin. Throws a serious hissy fit when told they need to be checked. Went on for a good ten minutes, flight crew held their ground. I tell you, it brought a tear to my eye it was so beautiful.
I was in the Nashville Airport and they had a brilliant concept: Plastic templates over the security checkpoint conveyer belt. If it didn’t fit through the template, it wouldn’t fit in the overhead bin on the planes and therefore couldn’t be carried into the gate area.