Talking to teenagers about birth control. Did your parents? Do you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was reading some threads about parental notification laws, and there are always a number of people who say something along the lines of, “I’ve raised my daughters well, and I hope/feel confident that they’d come to me if they ever got pregnant.”

When I started dating (15 maybe), my mom sat me down and told me about birth control. What different kinds there are, how they all work, failure rates, etc. She told me if I ever got pregnant, that I honestly could tell them-- I would not be evicted or done any harm of any sort. We would work together on handling the situation. But more importantly, I could ask for, and receive, from her any and all the birth control I wanted. For me and my friends. She just about beat me over the head with a box of condoms. Over the years I’ve found myself the birth control guru. When I was in college, people I’d never even met would show up in my door and say, “Sara said Andrea told her you know a bunch of stuff about the pill? I missed one and. . .”. To this day I explain to grown women that no, you don’t ovulate on the pill. Is my mother the only one out there that had a detailed conversation about this? Do people actually talk to their children about this? I get the impression a lot parents just say, “You can talk to me about sex anytime,” to an teen that never asks, and they’ll leave it at that. Am I wrong?

So, my questions:

  1. Did you parents talk to you about birth controll/pregnancy specifically?

  2. Did/do/will you talk to your children about this in detail? Tell them specifically that they can come to you if pregnant? Or do you just hope?

2

  1. No. Basically all they told me was, “Don’t have sex.” Worst kind of “advice” possible. Just one more thing I couldn’t talk to them about.

  2. I would definitely talk about it with my children, if I have any. I want them to know they can count on me instead of being afraid of what I’ll do or say.

3

My mother tried to talk to me about contraception when I was a teenager, but I was horribly embarrassed by the idea of discussing anything like that with her and refused to discuss it. Fortunately, I was a very nerdy child who was an avid reader, so I had already educated myself about sex and contraception from medical books and that sort of thing.

I don’t have kids (I’ve chosen to remain a virgin for the foreseeable future, actually, so birth control is still a purely academic interest to me), but I fully intend to discuss contraception AND the value of waiting to have sex with them from an early age.
I think it’s very important to start talking about these issues long before you think the kid will actually need the information. Not only do kids tend to have sex earlier than parents might expect nowadays, but you also are more likely to actually be able to get through to the kid if you don’t wait to start these conversations until they’re a stubborn, easily-embarrassed teenager like I was!

4

  1. No. My mom once attempted to tell me that I should only have sex with a guy I intend to marry, but by that time I’d already gone through a couple boyfriends and pretty much ignored her.

  2. Hell yes! I was raised in a family where very little was talked about, especially sex. I was horribly embarassed by even my period, sex and contraception were out of the question. Fortunately I’m a lot less flappable now.

5

  1. Nope. My parents were very embarrassed at the thought of discussing things like that with me, though at least my mother did discuss menstruation. We had decent sex ed in school, at least (starting with puberty changes in 5th grade or so), and so maybe they figured - correctly, at least - that the school was taking care of it. I remember hearing the word “erection” when I was a kid, asking my parents what that meant, and getting such a panicked freeze reaction from them that I figured I must have asked something “wrong,” did some backpedaling on the spot, and since they didn’t approach me after regaining their composure, I guess I got the idea that they weren’t a good resource for that kind of thing.

  2. I’m not going to have kids. However, if I did have kids, I would definitely use age-appropriate books to educate them about their bodies and sexuality, and would encourage them to ask me questions and come to me.

6

When the Hallgirls were younger (about 12 and 14), they both began taking the birth control pill. No, they weren’t sexually active (at that point), but I belived in keeping open the lines of communication, and realized that when they did decide to have sex that it was THEIR decision (and not mine) and I wanted them to be prepared (at least physically) to avoid a pregnancy.

Originally, they went on the pills for their skin (some OCs can prevent acne–which they both had) and to regulate their periods (Hallgirl 2 had horrible periods), but it helped knowing they would also be preventing pregnancy when the time came. All of their friends were simply amazed that they were on the pill–I was amazed that their friends were NOT.

And, yes, we covered in conversations things like STDs and condoms and all that.

They’re now 19 and 21, and are religious about taking their pills, and still no babies!

7

Sorry for the double post, but I did want to say that when I was 16, I read an article in Cosmo about how BCPs could lessen menstral cramps and bleeding. I had periods from hell, and thought, “Hey, this might help”, so I approached my mom (with the article in hand) and told her I was thinking I would want to go on the pill. Before I could even explain why, she snapped, “Why, for free sex?” (And may I say, that at this point, I was still a virgin and didn’t even have a boyfriend.) Well, needless to say, that pretty much ended the conversation right there.

Within a year, I’d not only had sex, but was pregnant.

8

My mother never spoke to me about sex or birth control. When I got my first period she pretty much just handed me a box of tampons and asked me if I had any questions.

With my daughter, I have brought up the subject of sex a few times, mainly just to let her know I’m willing to talk about it and I’m there for her if she needs anything. When she was younger I bought her a couple of books about going through puberty and sex. With that and the sex education they have at school, I don’t think she really needs any help on the mechanics of it.

Recently she got a serious boyfriend, so last night I sat her down and flat out told her that if she needed birth control that she could come to me for help in getting it. I admit I was prompted a bit by a thread on this board, but it’s something I’d been intending to do anyway.

9

My mom talked a bit with me, bought me some great books, and bought me a shitload of contraception when I got my first serious boyfriend. (It all failed, but she tried!)

I’m gearing up for The Talk with my almost 13 year old son. (See this thread if you have any tips.), and while I plan to cover birth control, I’m even more concerned about covering emotional issues around sex. Especially since he’s a boy, I feel responsible to all the girls out there for raising a sensitive, sensible young man.

The birth control part (for boys) is easy: condom, condom, condom. Every time, from the start.

Teaching them to be loving, respectful and considerate lovers is harder.

10

**1. Did you parents talk to you about birth controll/pregnancy specifically? **

My mom never once uttered the word “sex” to me. I got yelled at once for saying the word “pregnant”. At 14 I found out I was adopted and my real mom had me out of wedlock but it took me years to understand the fear it put my adopted mom into.
My dad, when I was about 21 or so, mentioned to me about condoms. It embarrassed the hell out of both of us, but I will always be grateful to him for trying. Of course I was already having sex by then.

2. Did/do/will you talk to your children about this in detail? Tell them specifically that they can come to you if pregnant? Or do you just hope?

I’m not going to have any children.

11

Same here. Of course, I couldn’t really talk to my mom about much of anything of any importance without her jumping to some conclusion or other and freaking out, so that was just one more thing. I don’t think my mom even discussed menstruation with me- she got me a book from the library about puberty and gave it to me to read. I wound up learning about birth control from various teen-oriented magazines.

This is just one of the things I have decided that I will do very differently than my parents did when I have kids.

12

My mother was pretty smart. She’s not in favour of pre-marital sex but she gave me the contraceptive advice from the point of view that at some point it would be useful to know these things. Mum is a doctor, so there were plenty of medical books and leaflets around the place, and there was never an issue about asking questions (provided, of course, that I framed them in a hypothetical way). When she found out I was on the pill, she wasn’t happy, but I got props for taking control and being sensible, and that was all.

We talked about what would happen if I ever got pregnant and what the most effective and suitable contraception is at different ages and in different circumstances. Mum also told me when the fertile times of the cycle were, so that I would know if I wanted to get pregnant later on.

It started early, they used the birth of my youngest sister to start the ball rolling.
I knew I was born by caesarean and why when I was 5, I also knew this wasn’t the case with most babies, and what the alternative was. I also distinctly remember asking how my parents knew that my baby sister would be their last baby, and being told that there were things that grown-ups could do to keep from having babies.

Everything was age-appropriate, and because I was a smart and nosy kid, a lot of it was triggered by my questions. None of this was"the talk". It was all piecemeal, usually relating to a TV show, book, something my mother saw at work, etc.

With any luck (cross fingers, toes etc) by the time I have kids I’ll be a qualified Ob/gyn. I’ll probably buy the books, take home leaflets, and probably when they’re old enough, tell them stories from work to illustrate why unsafe sex is a BAD thing.

Knowledge is power.
Empowered, strong kids are the kind of kids who make good choices and keep themselves safe.

13

My mother (a nurse) never spoke to me about sex, puberty, pregnancy, birth control, etc. Until I was pregnant. Or, until she found out I was pregnant, when I was already 6 months along.

She basically told me I was forbidden to not only have sex, but hold hands with boys, kiss boys, or stand too close to boys. And she wasn’t kidding. I got a nice smack across the face when I was 14 for sitting next to a boy I liked in our backyard with a group of friends. She walked outside and saw me sitting next to him on the ground and my heart sank. Then my cheek stung, and my friends took off running.
In CCD we were taught that birth control was evil, and not an option for a married Catholic family. I learned about the rhythm method.

I attempted to follow the rhythm method with that boy I sat too close to a year later.
We had our first son 5 months shy of my 17th birthday.
I have talked to my boys several times, and will continue to do so. They know they can come to me and talk to me about anything. And they do.

When my oldest son’s girlfriend first started Depo shots, her menstruation cycle changed and my son confided in me that they thought she might be pregnant. We were supposed to go on a camping trip together, but my son told me he would not be going, he needed to stay with her for a pregnancy test.

I explained the importance of condoms to him again, but I did not scold him, since I was glad he felt he could talk to me so openly.
Thankfully, the test was negative. I am entirely too young to be a grandmother.

14

IANAP. I would if I were a parent.

I don’t believe either of my folks ever brought up the subject with me for Serious Informed Discussion, although it wasn’t a taboo topic or anything either. My folks were Christian Protestants and would casually say things like “The O’Connors are nice people, nice kids. Good thing, since they have so many of them. They’re Catholic so they don’t believe in birth control” (not entirely accurate w/regards to Catholicism but anyway, the existence of birth control wasn’t something Unmentionable)

Oddly — considering the current slate of attitudes in the Deep South towards sex ed and whatnot — we had a subject every year in 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and, I think, 5th grade, called “Health”, which was in addition to “Science”. The “Health” subject was wall-to-wall medicine and human biology. This is the circulatory system. (Vocabulary words: auricle, ventricle, artery, vein) This is the skeletal system. (Fill in the blanks on the diagram identifying the major bones). And cruising right along without blinking or blushing, this is the reproductive system. (Vocabulary words: testicle, ovary, fallopian tube, uterus, prostate). A woman’s cycle works like this. Pregnancy is where the sperm comes up here and joins the egg. Birth control is where you stop implantation or don’t let the sperm go up in here.

We didn’t have arousal, sexual appetite, foreplay, or any of that other Dr. Ruth stuff, but we had the basic plumbing, and birth control was described right in there, even if it was just an introductory fly-over kind of coverage.

In 7th grade, everyone got Biology (each year would be a different science all year, from then on). This would be a class of 12-13 year olds. We got meiosis and how it differed from mitosis, mendelian inheritance, FSH and LH and estrogen and progesterone (On the 28 day graph, draw a line for each hormone and the general way the levels change), and also erections, lubrications, the vas deferens, cowper’s gland, bartholin’s glands, ectopic pregnancy, dilation and curettage abortion, suction-aspiration abortion, dilation and evacuation abortion, how the pill works, condoms, IUDs, … don’t think they had sponges in that era. Oh, and syphilis, and gonorrhea, the symptoms thereof, what the spirochetes look like, and what is prescribed for it.

We didn’t have anyone come in with a banana and demonstrate how to install a condom or anything but all in all it was pretty impressive for public elementary and then junior high school.
If I thought they still taught all that stuff throughout the years in school, I might be less inclined to say “If I were a parent I’d definitely have The Talks with the kids”, but I get the strong impression that they don’t.

15

I think my mom would have liked to have talked me me about it, but I had all the info I needed way before I needed it. A copy of “Our Bodies, Ourselves” pretty much did the trick.

Keep in mind, along the same lines, I had my first period at 9 and didn’t mention it to my mom because I had it covered, had supplies, knew what was going on, and knew what to do. I’ve always been pretty independent when it came to my body.

I also had age-appropriate sex ed at 10, 13, and 16.

16

We had our first sex-ed class in fourth grade. They split the class into boys and girls, and each half went into a different classroom to watch a different film strip. I think I already knew the basics of puberty and a little bit about sex from my folks. We had “health” (sex-ed and anti-smoking/drugs) class again every other year or so from there. I think the last class was in 9th grade. My dad was always more open to talks - about sex, drugs, smoking, whatever - than my mom was, and he would occasionally strike one up after dinner. Neither of them talked to me about mastubation, though, which annoys me now, because I didn’t learn for years that it was healthy and okay. I remember once in high school, my brother, step-sister and I stayed up 'till 3 am talking about “What have you always wondered but been afraid to ask.” Mom flipped out when she found out I was having sex (I was sixteen and had been dating my boyfriend for nine months; I mean, come on). She made me tell my dad and my boyfriend tell his parents. Everyone except Mom had a sort of heavy sigh “Well, I knew this was going to happen sooner or later” reaction, and my folks made sure I got on the pill. She’s calmed down a lot since.
(on the phone several months ago)
Me: Yeah, I met this really great guy last night.
Mom: Great! Do you think you’ll go on a date?
Me: Yeah, I got his number before I dropped him off this morn…er… :eek:
Mom: He spent the night?
Me: Umm…yeah. :o
Mom: Oh, well. Get it while you can, right?
Me: snerk Mom, you’re awesome.

When I have kids, I will definitely talk to them about sex and birth control. I’ll probably keep a few books lying around, too.

17

My parents didn’t ever really have that talk with me. My mom gave me a book in fifth grade or something, when we were having sex-ed in school. It’s never come up other than a warning not to be stupid when I left for college.

I have no desire to ever have kids, but if I somehow due to some lapse of sanity ended up with them, I’d probably do the same thing as my parents. They get the info the need in school, and while I’d be open to any questions they’d have, I wouldn’t want to initiate what’s easily the most awkward conversation ever. (Especially because, in my experience, by the time the parents catch on to their kids not being children anymore, the kid knows it all already.)

18
  1. Did you parents talk to you about birth controll/pregnancy specifically?

My mother was such at nut. She gave me this long talk about how in the heat of the moment you could be “swept away” but that was ok, because those things happen, but you couldn’t do it more than once, because then you were a slut. (I wonder if this was perhaps auto-biographical). My immediate response (no filters on my brain :wally ) was “Does this mean I can do ‘it’ with all my boyfriends once?” That got me a slap across the face.

I got the next slap when she found out I was on the pill while in college: I had become the slut. She told me she wished I was taking “real” drugs rather than the pill :rolleyes: . Yes, I would rather have a drug addict for a child than one who has sex responsibly. :eek: :eek:

  1. Did/do/will you talk to your children about this in detail? Tell them specifically that they can come to you if pregnant? Or do you just hope?

Did talk to them, probably way more then they wanted. Both grown, 1 married, 1 to go.

19

Like Obsidian’s mom, a female friend of my best friend in high school nearly beat him over the head with a box of condoms and morning-after pills when he started dating the female friend’s friend. Confused? The end result is that I, thanks to one of my friends getting beaten over the head with a box of Plan B pills, did not become a father as a result of my first intimate experience.

So here’s a vote towards beating your kids over the head with boxes of condoms and pills.

  1. Yes. My father told me not to have sex, and my mother told me to wear a condom every time no matter what the girl tells me.

  2. Children aren’t in my plans right now, but if I ever have them, they will be hit over the head with condoms and morning-after pills regardless of their gender. I’ll also tell them they can tell me anything without fear of punishment; this is the same stance I plan to take on drinking and drugs.

20

No, I’m a male. When I was 15, my mom told me everything in one sentence “Do whatever you want, it’s your business, just don’t get anybody pregnant and don’t get an STD.”

I will someday when I have kids. I won’t have “the talk”, that’s seems silly. However, I hope around my house that STDs, pregnancy and such would be normal dinner conversation. By the time the kids are old enough for this to be an issue they should know enough about STDs, pregnancy, sex, tax laws and Roman history to make wise decisions. STDs are a mundane fact of life, you can get aids through unsafe behaviors. You can also get the bubonic plague, anthrax or ebola through other kinds of unsafe behaviors. There’s nothing special about sex other than it’s something most people want to do, as opposed to say camping or skydiving (which is only some people want to do). Any activity carries risk, and I’d love to have my children aware of those risks.