Okay, so I get home from the store tonight, and as I’m unloading the groceries the cat starts fussing at me because she hasn’t had her daily ration of dairy products. So, while I put the stuff away, I keep explaining to she who must be obeyed that I will get her her “milk” just as soon as I can. Then it hit me, of course, that she couldn’t understand a damn thing that I was saying. Instead of shutting up and feeling like a fool, I started telling the cat (in the same tone of voice) that I was going to brutally murder her, and eat her for supper. The cat, needless to say, kept yowling for her ration, no matter what I said. So, anybody else just started saying bizarre stuff to one of their animals like that?
Nothing violent, but when I’m talking to my dog and run out of things to say I’ll occaisonally start singing to her. Usually it’ll be a popular tune and I’ll just make up incredibly bizarre, and occaisonally obscene, lyrics.
Really, as long as I’m at the right volume and have a pleasantly high tone, she doesn’t care.
I talk to my cats like they’re people constantly.
Tara: MEOW!
Me: You’re right, that does suck.
Tara: MEEOOOWW!
Me: I absolutely agree. She shouldn’t have done that. Did you kick her ass?
Tara: MEEOOW MEOOW MEOOW
Me: Well you deserved it for biting her tail…
on and on and on.
She either hates it or loves it when I sing. I can’t figure it out, because she always joins in, but I’m not sure if she’s doing it because she likes it or because she’s really angry.
Whenever I’m opening a can of people food, any combination of our three cats will come a-meowing, and I always say “But kitties don’t eat Chicken Gumbo soup/green beans/corn/Spaghetti-Os!”
When they discover that they aren’t getting any, they slink away, dejected.
I always tell them what good kitties they are during petting sessions. One of our cats understands certain words. He knows what “want to have a sleep?” means. He’ll follow me to the bedroom and sleep with me. And if I’m going into the bathroom, he knows what “do you want a drink?” means. He’ll hop up on the sink. I turn on the water just enough to have a steady stream, and he’ll sit on the counter with his front paws in the sink and lap at the stream with his tongue. And he knows he’s my baby. If I call “Baby!” from anywhere in the house, he’ll come running.
Otherwise, it doesn’t really matter what I say to them.
It’s so cute when cats do that.
I talk to my cat constantly, and sometimes say weird things to her, and swear at her. My pet name for her is Bitchy McGee. When she sticks her tail in my face, as she’s prone to do, I tell her I’m going to cut it off and make her eat it. I tell her she’s stupid and she’s sad because she’s never going to be human. I’m really not an abusive pet owner; I just think it’s funny that she can’t understand anything I say.
My gramma’s dog understands people. She reacts to anything you say in a way that says “I know exactly what you’re talking about.” If we’re going somewhere in the car, and anyone says “Ready to go”, no matter who they’re talking to, she gets super-excited and heads for the door. I have to ask my gramma, “Is the canine of the house partaking in our outing?” for the dog to not get all hyper and ready to go. Even then she looks at me with this face, like, “Am I going, am I going, am I going???”
I’ve never been 100% sure that animals don’t understand our every word. I definitely don’t talk back to the cats in their language, because you never know what you might be saying. That one time you MEOW MEOW RAWR MEOW back at the cat, you might be telling her to poop in your hair while you sleep because you like that. So I never meow at my cats.
Here’s a much older SDMB thread about songs people sing to their cats:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=205768
Yep. I talk with my cats and my dog. Conversations, stories, songs, occasional arguments. I do think they understand me - certainly they all know not only their names, but also their various nicknames, because no matter what I call out, I get the right beastie.
My husband has very long conversations with the dog, in which he answers himself in her voice. Which is a little weird. He also sings songs to her, to the tune of whatever song is in his head, and they all have the phrase “pooper dog” in them. Lately we’ve been hearing a lot of “It’s beginning to look a lot like POOPERS!” and “Walking with a winter pooper-dog!” Incidentally, this has nothing to do with the dog’s elimination routine. He just calls all dogs “pooper dogs”.
I often just have the usual pet chit chat;
Me: “what would you like for dinner?”
Them: “Meow, meow.”
Me: “The usual you say? Well, you’re in luck because that’s what I was making!”
Sometimes I kick it up a notch and ask them where things are or how I should decorate the house. Sometimes I discuss politics and current events and sometimes I sing.
Often I call them by “pet” pet names and see how many I can come up with that are plays on their actual names. i.e. Digit is Digimon, Digipoo, Digereedoo, Magically Digilicious …
But most of the time they just tell me that “Timmy fell down the well” and I just ignore them because I don’t know any Timmys and I figure they’re just high on nip again.
I talk to my dog all the time. She just gives me her ‘I’m-far-too-cute-and-adorable-and-ickle-sweetie-poo-for-that’ look and a) keeps walking, b) lies down and takes a nap, c) wanders off to play with a toy.
This thread is making me miss the cat I left on the other side of the country and the kitten I recently adopted for a month before (I presume) her owners started keeping her inside due to winter.
I hate all of you.
Yes, not only do I talk to my pets, I also have a unique voice for each one. Sometimes it’s not actually talking to them, but as them, as if they could talk, and what I think they would say based on their personalities.
For my cat, Tesser, I have a high pitched voice for him. I can’t do it if I’ve been singing, or have a cold. He recognizes the voice. I’d be really embaressed if he ever got away because I’d feel like an idiot going around the neighborhood calling him in this voice.
Anyway, I have the Mad Tesser Voice, which I use when I’m mad at him or we fight. Then there’s the Tender Tesser Voice, which is used often. Lastly, a Confidence Building Tesser voice. Each one is just different in tone.
Now with Tesser, I swear a lot at him, and as the op menitoned, I threaten him. Everyday I tell him I’m going to kill him. I do it in the tender voice though. I tell him that whenever I go away, I was at a place where they teach me to kill “Big-Fat-Stupid-Kitties-Named-Tesser”. Then I say “Oh yeah”, as if confirming a bullpoo story. I tell him he’s got psychological problems, and that I’m writing a book on him because all the doctors are interested in him.
It sounds really mean, but it’s not, it’s all in the tone. Just now, I let him into my room, as he was crying at the door, and as he came in I said to him, “Yeah, who’s real pretty?”, in the tender voice. It’s that tone of voice where I’ll threaten him. Lately I’ve threatening to kill him, bring him back alive and kill him again, because I can do that. There is often profanity mixed in with almost everything I say to him.
The Confidence Building Voice is one I use with him when it’s a situation where he’s unhappy, or playing. I tell him he’s a f—ing Ninja, or a f—ing tiger, and that he kills stuff. When my Dad talks to Tesser I tell Tesser to, “Rip his f—ing arm off. Because he can do it. Oh yeah.” When he cries to go out of my room, I’ll pick him up, kiss his head, and let him out. When he goes, I say, “Yeah, there goes the big fat Ninja kitty!”, that’s to boost his confidence as he faces the world.
I also call him stupid, but as a name. “Stupid! Yeah, get your a-- over here!”. Again, I don’t mean anything I say to him, it’s just how I’ve communicated with him over the years, and he responds to it. We get along really well, and I’m his favorite pet out of all of us in the house. I think he thinks that one of his names is Stupid.
Anyway, that’s Tesser, my cat. Then we have Sargie. He was originally Seargent, as in the rank, but that’s just been shortened to Sargie. He also goes by the name Himmie, as would rhyme with Vimy. For Sarge, I usually talk as him, what I think he would say.
He’s a small cat, and very serious. So, in my mind he’s still a kitten, or a small boy still. So when I talk as him, I never swear, because young children don’t swear. Since he’s young in my mind, there’s a lot of words in the Sargie vocabulary that end with “ie”, or “y”, as in childspeak. It’s another high pitched voice, but entirely different from Tesser’s.
So when I see Sarge I say to him, “HI You! Hi You Himmie!”, and wave my fingers at him. He doesn’t really like me, so at that point he’ll usually walk the other way. When Sarge bugs my father for food I’ll say this as though Sarge is saying it to my father, “You can just feedy Himmie now, 'cause Himmie is just very much hungry now”. When it’s “feedy time” Sarge gets in my fathers face, and is very affectionate. That’s when I say as Sarge, “Himmie? He just wikey (like) you very much right now. You just Himmies favorite person in entire world right now. And maybe you can just feedy Him. Cause Himmie? He just wikey foody.”
Then he’ll have more serious moments, like when he unsure of something. I’ll say something along the lines of, “Himmie, he no know about that. He no know if he wikey. Maybe Himmie just go other way”. Or if he runs by something he doesn’t like, like the turtle tank, I’ll say, “Himmie, he no wikey that. He just very much scared it’s going to try and getty Him”.
Then when I pick him up he’s got a different type voice. It’s kinda like he’s really worried. He’ll say, “No go do this to Himmie, he no wikey that”, or “Put Himmie down, he no wikey this”.
If I bug him and he gets mad he’ll say, “Himmie just getting very much mad right now. Himmie, he just going to bitey (bite). 'Cause Himmie? He just very much tough when he mad”.
Occasionally I’ll talk to him, but it’s mainly talking as him. If I’m talking to him, it’s still in that childspeak. For instance, if I’m looking for him and can’t find him, I’ll say, “Himmie! Where are you You Him? Himmie just kinda disappeary. I think someone may have stole our Himmie.” Then I’ll pipe in as his voice, “No go steally Himmie, he no like be stole”.
It’s difficult to convey this through text, but I hope you get the idea of how I talk to them. I really am a normal person. Really.
Then for our dog, Bud, I have a deeper voice. He’s our oldest pet, and when I developed his voice, I wasn’t allowed to swear. So in the place of swearing I used the word “Tuss”, and that is usually substitutted for “F-ck”. So when I see Bud, I’ll address him like “What the Tuss Dod (dog)?”.
He’s getting older now, so he’ll groan when he puts his head down to sleep. It’s kinda cute actually. So when he does that I’ll say as him, “Hooooh (mimic his groan), it’s not easy being a Dod.” Or when he’s playing I’ll say as him, “Buds tough!”, or “Buds a tough Dod!”. Usually he growls when he plays.
When he lets me pick him up I’ll say, “What the tuss are you doing to Bud? Oh, Bud doesn’t like that”. Or if he seems unhappy I’ll say as him, “Bud doesn’t like that, it’s not easy being a Dod. Nobody likes Bud…(grumble, grumble)”, I’ll go lower and lower with that until it’s just grumbling.
With Bud there’s a lot of little laughs I put in there when he says things. That’s just to convey that’s he’s not serious, or that he’s really a lovable dog. There’s not much more with Bud. His vocabulary is really limited. It usally the same thigns over and over, just in different tones. It depends on the situation with Bud. I think his vocabulary is limited because from the stand point of the dog, he’s just a dumb dog. That, of course, is projected by me.
That’s about the extent of it. The voices are much more complex, but it’s hard to reflect that here. As I talk to Tesser, there’s a lot more with him, and it’s not all negative. It’s also difficult to express it here because the word aren’t pronounced properly when I use their voices. It’s also challenging to speak to them with new phrases or words, because some words just can’t make the transisiton to Animalspeak. Different letter’s or sounds just wouldn’t fit in with their vocabulary.
Oh, and I also play over different scenarios in my mind that I’ll use with the animals. One I’ve been thinking of lately is one where Sargie gets so mad that he swears. So I’ll be bugging him and he’ll say, “Stop fucky do-ying that with Himmie!”. Then I’ll hold him further away from myself, look at him surprised and say, “Himmie! You just very much swore! You Him is just very much Bad right now.” Then I’ll lightly smack him on the bum and send him on his way. As I said it’s just a future scenario I’m thinking of using with him.
Yeah, so that’s how I talk to my pets. It’s very complex at times, and I’m really a normal person aside from that. There’s much more, but I’d be going on forever if I tired to get it all. I never intended to write such a long post on it, but it’s hard to reflect how I talk with them.
Not only do the spouse and I talk to our three cats, but when we’re both around whichever one is not currently addressing a cat assumes that cat’s voice. All three cats have distinct “voices,” which we both use. Tenshi’s is kind of cynical and worldly, Ozzy’s is cute and little-boy-like, and Meep’s is sweet and princessy.
Example:
ME: Hi, Tenshi. How are you?
SPOUSE (as Tenshi): Oh, okay, I guess.
ME: What did you do today?
SPOUSE: Slept, mostly.
ME: Have you been biting Meep’s neck?
SPOUSE: Meep’s a babe.
We’re perfectly comfortable switching “roles” and having conversations long enough that normal people would probably question our sanity. 
Of course, we also have “real” conversations with the furballs too:
OZZY: Meoooowwww!
ME: What do you want, Oz?
OZZY: Meowwwwowww!
ME: Okay, I’ll pet you now.
We’re besotted by our cats, but hey, they’re family.
I LOVE my conversations with our pets.
Diamond, our border collie, listens very closely to most of what we say to her … head tilted, ears pricked up, eagerly waiting for one of several key words - “Breakfast”, “Supper”, “Walk”, “Go”, “What do you want?”, “Where’s the Kitty?”. She’s my honeybun and I talk to her all the time … sometimes I attempt her language and use a lot of “Arroooorooo! Ohh… Arorooorrooowww?” she answers me in the same language, and I’m perfectly sure that she knows exactly what we’re talking about, even though I have no idea.
Nomar, the kitty cat, knows his name now … as well as some of the variations - “Maronie”, “Macaroni”, “Nomaroonie”, “Kitty”, “Shithead” … we talk quite a bit - I ask him why the devil is in him, and why he is so mean to me … but I also tell him that he’s my muffin (Costco sized - 'cos he’s gigantic). Sometimes we discuss his eating disorder, because he is an INCREDIBLE pig and is apparently always starving.
I have a lot of fun during our “chats”. My boyfriend, McDeath, probably thinks I’m a little nuts, although he’s too kind to say so.
Once upon a time we had to spell “O-U-T” because our dog knew that word. Also “walk.” If you were going out for a walk without the dog you had to say something like, “I’m going to perambulate in the exterior.”
We also had a cat that recognized the words, “tuna fish sandwich.” My husband would ask me to make one of those for him, and by the time I got to the kitchen, there was Rocky impatiently waiting for the drained liquid and the leftovers in the bottom of the tuna can. He’d get to the pantry before I did.
Some of us, particularly my sister, have been known to speak to cats in their own language. There’s a particular prrrouwwp! that apparently means “jump up.” Seems to work on many of them. Also my daughter knows some sounds that are apparently vile curses in Cat, since they inspire very negative reactions from our current felines.
I talk to my springer spaniel (Buddy) all the time. He looks at me and cocks his head to one side, then gives me abig grin! Afetr this, a big wet slurpy kiss!
I’m sure he understands everything!
Heck I’ve done something similar to this to my hard of hearing mother. I’ll say something quite clearly, then she’ll say ‘WHAAT!’ and then I’ll talk gibberish.
“I SAIID: curtain trees of wine in the morning bucket”
Sounds cruel but my mum sees the funny side.
My parents’ cat, Cleo has the annoying habit of being a pest in the kitchen and sticking her paws up on the countertop. Well, this one time she was doing that, and I was there so I called to her… “Cleo… nothing! Who wants nothing!” in my highest most enthusiastic voice, led her into the bathroom, and closed the door. 
That trick only worked once, though.
She’s usually a smart cat, but when she acts flaky I call her Knot Head, which she now answers to. But it’s all in good fun, of course.
Sometimes when I’ve been playing the Sims too much, I’ll talk Simlish to the dog. He’ll come in from outside all excited and jump up, and I’m all “In robeau des nau!!” and clap like my Sims do. He loves it.