Inspired by a combinatio of reading the “Heart wrenching moments (kid related)” thread and a Couey-related thread back to back.
Some advice from Dear Abby (literally) that imo everyone would do well to consider:
Teach your kids the phrase “I don’t know him!” Tell them that if someone they don’t know takes their hand and tries to get them to go somewhere, they should yell this as loud as they can, and keep yelling it.
I know it’s not as simple as just saying that to the little’uns. You don’t want to scare them and make them paranoid and inhibited. You have to do it more than once, especially for the wee sma’ ones, to make sure they understand and remember. Etc.
But I’ve seen kids being literally dragged out of stores throwing tantrums, hollering “no!” the way small kids will do, and you assume it’s just a tantrum, especially if the adult is calling the child by a name and saying the right “parental” words.
But “I don’t know him!” would get my attention.
Luckily, it’s not something we’ve had to deal with, and very few parents do.
Btw, I’d be interested in hearing from anyone who knows of a down side to this. There always seems to be one.
Well, I agree with you but the down side I see is that there are kids of 6-10 that will do this just to cause trouble and trouble you have not seen until you get in the sights of DHS or the ( Child Protective Services ) . They make the IRS look like nice folks.
Just the accusation of mistreatment from a child can ruin you for life.
Remember, an arrest record never goes away. You can be totally innocent and cleared of all charges, but at the next traffic stop, when they run you license, the code for that arrest will pop up. ( A little known fact that most folks don’t understand. )( you were arrested, they don’t show that you were cleared, that comes out after they haul you in if they do for some reason. )
Not to feed any insecurities and fears, but to be realistic:
Stranger child predators can find ways to trick kids into coming with them willingly. “Come see my puppies!” etc. They don’t have to snatch them and drag them away. They could also threaten them, “if you yell, I’ll hurt your family.”
That being said, stranger predators who steal children are extraordinarily rare. Children being abused by adults they know (family members, family friends, church/school/sports leaders) is way, way more common.
I think kids should be warned about kidnappers, but not made to be fearful of all strangers. While the chances of your kid being abducted are very, very low, the chances of your kid being lost or hurt and needing help from a stranger at some point are very high. Kids do need to learn which kinds of strangers are safe to approach when they need help. Store clerks, moms or dads with kids, even running to a neighbor’s house is going to be much safer than simply going along with somebody who approaches them. Filling kids with fear is not doing anybody any good.
The other day, after watching some newsmagazine that showed how easy it can be to get people to do unsafe things in order to help a stranger, I asked my six year old son this: If you were outside by yourself and a man came up and said that he’d lost his puppy and needed you to help him find him, would you go with him? He said yes. Aagh! Even after all our talks about “stranger danger.” And that’s why he doesn’t go anywhere by himself yet, even just outside.
If you do choose to teach this to your children, please at least teach them to say “I don’t know this person” instead of “I don’t know him”.
It really bugs me when we pretend that all threats in this world are male. After all, with that recent child abduction in Missouri that actually involved the child being cut from the murdered mother’s womb, the abductor/murderer was a woman and that was probably the most gruesome child abduction case I’ve heard about in years.
This criticism is not directed at Sample_the_Dog specifically, I just think we could be more aware of the subconscious bias inserted into the way we sometimes express ourselves.
I remember reading years ago that it’s best to teach your children to trust their instincts. (as opposed to be wary of any and ALL strangers)
In other words teach your children ir you don’t feel right or something feels weird about talking to a stranger than by all means GET AWAY!
The reasoning behind this is if you teach your children to be wary of ALL strangers, it can backfire on you when your kid DOES find him/herself in a bad situation. Say for instance like lost at a mall or a store or something. This way the child can feel free to use his or her own judgement of who to ask for help. Because lets face it: The old school method, (which is what they taught me back in the day) of only going up to police officers or uniformed personel ; There is no guarantee that some one like this is going to be around.
As far as the op goes though; it sounds like a great idea to me.
I just told my kids to throw one of their patented temper tantrums. I have almost walked away from them in those circumstances.
Seriously, I thought we had covered this. But. One day at the pool my kid, who was about six at the time, disappeared. I asked his brother (eight, at the time) where he went.
Big brother: “Oh, a guy asked him if he wanted to make a dollar, and he said yes and went off that way.” [Indicates behind pool building.]
In apoplectic panic I went off, only to find a man (a callous and insensitive subverter of children) and my 6-year-old carrying a couple of Igloo thingies with picnic stuff inside. Mr. Callous Insensitive said very cheerfully, “I needed a hand–hope it’s okay that I borrowed your kid.” {He had kids of his own. Anyway they looked like his own. I wonder what he’d think if they would go off with somebody for a dollar for some unspecified task?)
Another lecture. “When grownups need help, they need to find another grownup to help them.”
sigh
(And to reinforce the lecture I didn’t let him take the dollar, either.)
It wasn’t unconscious bias. I used the masculine pronoun on purpose. Dear Abbey used the phrase “I don’t know her”, which seemed like a silly overcompensation to me.
Child abductors are rare – excluding those who abscond with their own kids – as a poster noted above, but female abductors are rare even among that small group.
I didn’t go into all the nuances in the OP. If a parent were to take this strategy, it couldn’t be a simple matter of telling the child to holler “I don’t know him” whenever a stranger approached, so there would have to be lots of careful phrasing, including making sure they understood that they should not go off with women they don’t know either.
But as the stories and cautions above demonstrate, with kids, especially the little’uns who usually have an innate trust of adults who seem parental and nice, it’s mighty difficult to make them understand when they should be cautious (or even call for help) without making them scared and paranoid.
I have to disagree with SHAKES, though, re teaching kids to trust their instincts. Child abusers (whether abductors or molesters) know how to push kids’ buttons and avoid setting off their internal alarms – or at least the repeat offenders do. The challenge is finding a way to teach kids when to be wary, when otherwise they might not be but should be.
Wow. I know some daddies who might have come after that fellow with a gun. (And I’m not exaggerating.) Offering a 6 yo a dollar to go with you at a public pool? I don’t care what you’re really doing, that’s an invitation to get your ass kicked!