Just spent a wonderful few days with my kids but they dropped a bomb on me that I’m still recovering from.
Seems my ex’s live in boyfriend has been stretching his highly questionable parenting skills by grabbing, squeezing and twisting the arms of my children as a way of disciplining them. My ex, much to her great discomfort and attempt to down play the incidents, has confirmed as much. I don’t give her much credit these days but it seems that she has reprimended dick for his actions.
I’ve calmed down some since hearing and cofirming the news but the only thing keeping me from hunting the bastard down and stepping on his throat is the fact that I’ll likely end up in jail after doing just that.
Now, I’ve made sure the kids know that I disapprove of that kind of thing and that they need to tell me and their mom if that sort of thing ever happens again. But that didn’t seem like enough. I’ve put their mother (and dick) on warning by insisting that she makes sure he appologize to the kids for grabbing them.
So, short of a masked clandestine tete-a-tete meeting between dick and I in a dark parking lot, what the hell else can I do to make sure this does not happen again?
Go to your lawyer and tell him/her about this. Make sure the info gets passed own to the ex’ lawyer. Talk with the kids. Make sure they tell you if this happens again. If it does, be ready to open a can of legal whupass on Dickweed and your ex.
Going to jail WILL NOT help your children. I don’t know how you feel about your ex, but she’s an adult and will have to deal with dickweed on her own. Your children should not have to subjected to ANY kind of abuse.
I went through something similar to this many years ago with my ex and his lovely live-in honey. Seems that apparently she was under the mistake impression that my (then five year old) daughter would react favorably to being “spanked” with a Hot Wheels race track strip. Mistaken. Way mistaken.
I called Child Protective Services to report the incident, took my daughter to the Emergency Room (on advice of CPS) to have the bruises and welts documented (and my daughter’s story), filed a police report, then filed a Protective Order from Abuse (restraining order) against the live-in honey. Since I had custody of my daughter (and “daddy” had every other weekend visitation), I made it clear that behavior such as this would never be tolerated, and if he ever wanted to see his kid again, he’d keep his psycho tempermental bitch away from my kid. (Oh, sorry, this isn’t the Pit, is it?) Daddy Dearest walked on eggshells, and live-in honey never laid another hand on my daughter.
However, you bet I would have raised additional H-E-Double Hockey sticks if anything ever would have happened again.
Raise a stink–not only with your ex, but if your state has a Child Abuse Hotline, call and report it. Immediately. If the need arises down the line, you’ll have established a pattern which will work in your favor (and not against you).
Oh, BTW, when we were initially going through all this, CPS told me that if another incident like this happened while my daughter was at her fathers, then I could run the risk of loosing my daughter (as well as her father) because I had placed her in a situation that I knew was not safe for her. However, because he had legal visitation, I would have been in violation of the court if I hadn’t let her go with her father. How’s that for damned if I do, damned if I don’t?
Quicksilver - You do not have to go to jail for beating dick to get your point across to him. It is not illegal to talk to him with that "Oh-so-angry I’ll rip your head off and shit down your throat look if he touches one hair on your kids back again.
I’d look him right in the eye and make myself very clear in saying something very close to that. Don’t threaten, just be sincere, and make sure he feels your gaze, he’ll get the picture.
Hang on a second here… my kids aren’t chimps… they don’t have back hair! You tryin’ to start somethin’ Phlosphr?
I am thinking of doing just that. I just need a couple more days to calm down so I can restrain myself.
phall0106, fortunately, the kids did not suffer any bruises or marks. I am happy to say I don’t have any physical evidence to provide to the authorities. I hope I never do and that it never comes to that. I will call the local CPS for their guidance on the matter. Thanks.
Your anger is certainly understandable…I’d be livid too.
Then I’d file a complaint with the police, and see if I couldn’t get a restraining order against the S.O.B. to keep him the hell away from the kids. Of course, CPS can advise you, so I’m glad you’re making them your next step.
At the risk of sounding like an alarmist: He’s abusing your children, and I would never, NEVER trust the word of a child abuser, no matter how intimidated he may be, or no matter how severely he’s been “warned” by his girlfriend. There is no telling what he may do next time.
I don’t intend to sound overboard about the whole thing, but the fact is, you don’t KNOW what this guy is capable of; neither does your ex; nor do any of us.
She should take some responsibility and keep him away from your (hers and yours, I mean) children–but if she doesn’t, I’m afraid it’s up to you.
Good luck. How incredibly frustrating and worrisome this must be.
Please let us know what CPS says…I’m interested to know what your options are.
:eek: Take your children to a Child Advocate, (I believe there should be Court appointed ones in your area, like CASA.) and get their accounts of events recorded, then prosecute. Get a reliable impartial witness to record what you children say, so it cannot be as easily contested by a defense attorney in court. Good luck, I hope you get your children away from that safely.
Thanks for your concern and words of advice. Here’s what CPS of VA had to say:
There is no law in VA to prevent corporal punishment. Despite the fact that he is not their legal guardian, he is living in the home and as such has a right to disciplin the children. (But wait, it gets better…) The only time I can file a complaint with CPS is in cases of neglect of physical abuse that leaves a mark on the children. (CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!!!)
I’ve never been so disappointed with the justice system. :mad:
BTW… the kids are 5 and 8, and I know that every parent thinks their kid is an angel but I cannot tell you how many times I’ve received complements on how polite and well behaved my kids are. Sure there have been times when I’ve had to raise my voice or even give time outs and punish by restricting certain minor priviledges… they’re kids after all! They test boundaries and test rules from time to time. But at the end of the day, they are really well behaved, fun and very respectful of adult authority. I know they would never do anything so bad that would justify anyone putting their hands on them.
Today was one of the days when I’d typically run into dickless at the gym. I wasn’t sure I’d have the self discipline to restain myself from chocking the fucker to death with my bare hands. I cut my workout a little short to avoid running into him. I may have to do that for a little while until I’ve calmed down enough.
If your ex has agreed that there is a problem, however minimized she may have made it, that is a good thing. You don’t want her to start lying to protect him. It may be that this guy doesn’t know anything about kids and is reacting like an idiot because he feel threatened. I know it sounds silly, but it’s a real reaction to having to share your partner with her children.
Tell her you would like him to attend parenting classes. First, it will give him a chance to learn how to deal with situations the right way. Second, it will give everyone peace of mind. Thirdly, he will be forced to declare his intentions, so to speak. If he doesn’t want to do this, he’s an asshole and it would be impossible for your wife not to see it.
Twisting a child’s arms can potentially cause a serious injury, like fractures, or injuries to the soft tissues or growth plates. (Not going to link the pages I found about such injuries, they are far too grim.) Document your children’s accounts of events “just in case”. :eek: This way, you can take your evidence to the prosecutor if your children end up injured and they try to claim a “sports” related accident or that “they fell”. (I’m praying that there is no “just in case”.) There is NO reason at all why an adult should “twist an arm” to discipline a child. That is not a legitmate way to correct a child, that’s abuse.
I’ve done some research to see what I could find on the issues of such injuries and how to protect the children. Here is a site that has the VA. statutes. From this site. I think you’ll find they aren’t as grim as you orignally thought.
That quote is from the VA statutes which are on one of the pages I just linked. Get this documented, (by someone the courts find **reliable ** and unbiased, this is important) and consult a lawyer to see what you can do about this. Hopefully you’ll find one who can fight and get the spirit of the law to be enforced on behalf of your children. They have told you outright what is happening, and it puts them at risk of serious injury, not to mention what could happen if his aggression escalates. Report this. Document it now, quietly so that they can’t claim it was “for religious reasons” as a defense later. Get the children’s untainted account recorded now. Please? I’ll pray for your little ones, that they will stay safe and well.
Twisting a child’s arms can potentially cause a serious injury, like fractures, or injuries to the soft tissues or growth plates. (Not going to link to most of the pages I found about such injuries, they are far too grim. That one is fairly dry and clinical, with no horrifying documentary pictures of inuries.) Document your children’s accounts of events “just in case”. :eek: This way, you can take your evidence to the prosecutor if your children end up injured and they try to claim a “sports” related accident or that “they fell”. (I’m praying that there is no “just in case”.) There is NO reason at all why an adult should “twist an arm” to discipline a child. That is not a legitmate way to correct a child, that’s abuse.
I’ve done some research to see what I could find on the issues of such injuries and how to protect the children. Here is a site that has the VA. statutes. From this site. I think you’ll find they aren’t as grim as you orignally thought.
That quote is from the VA statutes which are on one of the pages I just linked. Get this documented, (by someone the courts find **reliable ** and unbiased, this is important) and consult a lawyer to see what you can do about this. Hopefully you’ll find one who can fight and get the spirit of the law to be enforced on behalf of your children. They have told you outright what is happening, and it puts them at risk of serious injury, not to mention what could happen if his aggression escalates. Report this. Document it now, quietly so that they can’t claim it was “for religious reasons” as a defense later. Get the children’s untainted account recorded now. Please? I’ll pray for your little ones, that they will stay safe and well.
Please allow me to observe that verbal confrontations can get physical real fast. If you talk to this clown, and he says something like, “yeah, what’re you gonna do about it?” or “the bitch belongs to me now, and so do the kids,” you will probably have a hard time restraining yourself. That’s a ticket to jail. You might say it would be worth it for the privilege of rearranging his facial features, but an arrest record (for assault, no less) would hang over all future child custody and visitation decisions forever. I’m not saying don’t talk to him, but do it in front of witnesses, and if it turns into a fight make sure he strikes the first blow.
You might tell your kids that if he touches them again, they should call you immediately, and you’ll show up with the cops. Maybe they should even have their own cell phone for that purpose, programmed with all of your numbers. Having the police show up on the ex’s doorstep might be an effective wake-up call, even if they don’t make an arrest.
What does your ex-wife feel about this type of punishment? If she doesn’t think it’s a problem, then you may have to accept it. If she DOES think it’s a problem but doesn’t know how to stop the bf from doing it, then perhaps you two can work together to get it to stop. BF probably doesn’t know the law. Maybe you can ask the ex-wife to use you as an excuse. “I know it’s ridiculous that the law prevents me from disciplining my own children, but QuickSilver has threatened to take me back to court/call CPS if you touch the kids again. You need to back off or I’m going to get into trouble.”
It’s possible that the kids are causing conflict in her new relationship. Sometimes the kids are sullen and angry towards new boy/girlfriends and that starts the relationship off on a sour note. Or perhaps the bf is such an asshole that the kids are now so intimidated by him that there’s no hope of forging a decent relationship. I would make it very clear to my ex that I’d be happy to come and get the kids anytime, anyplace should she feel that the bf is starting to lose his patience with them or should she want to have some alone time with the bf.
I think my original post may have gotten eaten - apologies if double…have a meeting with the three of you: the boyfriend really doesn’t have anything to do with the kids since both parents are active participants…he’s only the boyfriend.
when I got involved with my now husband, both of us made it clear I was the girlfriend, not the mother nor a parent, I was a friend.
Discipline, even now (10 years later), still comes from hubby or mother…never me. Occasionally I will ask for a chore around the house, never anything more.
He knows he can call me if he is ever in a situation where he doesn’t want to call his parents and I will pick him up wherever he is , no questions asked. However, that’s it for my involvement as far as raising him goes. That’s up to his parents. Perhaps boyfriend is trying to be superhero…I know periodically I have frustrations because parents are doing something perhaps the way I wouldn’t but that’s not really my business…he’s their child, not mine.
Quicksilver; ending up in jail is not a good idea. Neither is threatening since boyfriend seems to have some issues on his own.
Both you and your ex need to determine what is expected from this guy as far as the kids go: in my opinion, it’s nothing…they’ve already got two parents.
Good luck and keep us posted, also take out any frustrations here…it’s a better idea although I admire the hell out of your dedication!
Incidentally, hubby’s ex treated me very badly for the first year I was involved (didn’t speak to me, etc.). Then SHE got involved with a guy who had two kids and a nasty ex and, boy, did her story change fast!!! Now we do son’s birthdays together, important dates, etc. It works well for their son and that’s all that’s important.
Oh, Quicksilver, one more thing…the kids need to know you and your ex can handle this yourselves. I’m all for calling in the marines (not that YOU would need them) when needed but you guys should try working together first. I know it’s tough but actually, in the long term (perhaps not particularly with dickless), everyone can get along for the kids sake.
You’ve risen to the occaion before, you can do it again!
Thanks again everyone for your words of wisdom and encouragement.
My plan:
Talked to my kids and made sure they know they can always come and talk to me if there is any kind of problem - no matter what. They already knew it but it was an important reminder. They are both very smart and they get it.
Document. Document. Document.
Have my attorney send a formal letter to my ex and dickless outlining the issue and ensuring that if it happens again there WILL be severe legal consequences. By the way, the fucker is a lawyer. Construction law, but still… you’d think he’d be a little smarter. Plus he’s got two kids of his own from two previous marriages, neither of whom lives with him. (She picked a real winner!) :rolleyes:
Calmly but convincingly convey to dickless (in a public place) that I know and will not permit this to happen again without serious consequences. Also, thinking about making him appologize to the kids … and then ask them if he did just to drive the point home to him that I’m dead serious. (I’m not entirely sure my ex told him I know about all this so it will server a dual purpose of keeping her honest.)
Thanks again all… I’m feeling a bit calmer about this today.
You have more restraint than I. If I thought someone touched one hair on my child’s head, I’d beat the living shit out of them (male or female, either one).
I’m glad you aren’t doing that though. Sounds as if you’ve got a good, rational plan.
