My 10-year-old, white son has black friends who roast him about being white, which includes calling him a “cracker.” When I was growing up in the 80s and 90s in a predominantly black city, I tended to just laugh it off or ignore it. My son gets confused when this happens and only sees the roasting as teasing/being mean. He has a learning disability, which can make it difficult for him to understand lengthy or complex explanations. Thoughts on how to have meaningful conversations about this scenario with him?
That’s exactly what roasting is - teasing or being mean.
~Max
Good morning,
I moved this thread to In My Humble Opinion (IMHO) from Great Debates as no Debate was formed. This appears to be seeking advice or opinions.
I think you ought to have a talk with your son’s friends’ parents. Sorry, I’m not trying to be a smart-ass, I really do think it’s the best first step, and I hope you find a solution.
I guess what I meant by that is the type of roasting that you see friends do to each other these days that is teasing but not necessarily meant to cause harm.
I don’t know what it is you want your son to understand. Does he think his friends hate him because of the taunting, when that’s not really the case?
~Max
Right, he’s hurt by their comments but I don’t think they’re necessarily trying to hurt his feelings/make him feel bad. They’re nice kids and I think they have learned at some point that joking about race can be ok in certain relationships (i.e. I’ve heard them joke about their own race as well).
Thank you!
Maybe he feels flummoxed about the name calling and doesn’t know how to reciprocate, him being white with black friends who call him names. Though it’s not a lesson a parent wants teach is it?
Well, he’s allowed to feel hurt. It’s not a mere misunderstanding you can explain away: they are making fun of him, because of how he looks (or acts).
IMHO, the only thing you influence, as a parent, is what the kid does when he feels hurt. Does he ignore it, like you did? Does he lash out at you or other kids - verbally or otherwise? Does he let the authority figures step in, as alovem suggests? Or does he try to convince the other kids to stop?
~Max
I think that’s exactly it
Yeah, if his friends are the same age and don’t mean any harm, they should be taught without scolding that they should be looking out for him if they want to be his friend. Your son should also be taught to defend himself (with words), but what you’ve said about his disability makes me think that isn’t an option, at least for now.
I normally don’t get involved in these kinds of threads and have done so on this occasion only because it sounds like there’s great potential for things either to go very wrong or to end up being an excellent life lesson for these kids. If they end up learning from this, changing their behavior and treating your son more considerately, maybe your son will pick up on that and will learn (1) what to expect from real friends and (2) “taking it as well as giving it” is sometimes a part of real friendships.
I’m old enough the remember when the extent of parental advice for such situations was the “sticks and stones” rhyme. The only other alternatives are to confront the offense or embrace it.
Hiding this somewhat off-topic post before more replies like Mallard's
Many years ago I worked with a black gal that liked to call white people a cracker. I told her I was offended by that name and to stop or I would take her to HR. She took the name calling to another level so I took her to HR. She got 3 days off without pay and 20 hours of sensitivity training. When she returned to work she was transferred to a less desirable place to work. My black co-workers at the time supported me and told me she brought everything upon herself.
hidden as off-topic
100% agree. This business of taunting people because of their race is abhorrent. Imagine if you’d have responded to her “cracker” comment with “shut the hell up, n*****”. Would you “only” have gotten a 3 day suspension?
Modnote: this is a severe hijack. Please do no further posting in this thread.
Taking a thread asking for help to make a racist rant out of it is an odd choice. I’m bumping this up for review.
My autistic son growing up had a hard time telling the difference between good natured ribbing and actual bullying.
I get the sense this is what’s happening with the op. Or at least in this instance anyway.
As an example: His grandma once said to him: “Hey sleepy head, you hungry”? After he managed to wake himself up around 12:00 in the afternoon. Hours after the rest of the family had.
He responded with: “I’m not a sleepy head”!
I focused my time teaching him the difference between playful banter and hateful rhetoric. Rather than the phrase itself.
Taught him things like considering context and who’s saying it before he gets upset.
It didn’t happen overnight but it didn’t take that long either before he got past it.
Ribbing about a person’s difference from the group can be meant as a way to express that those differences don’t really matter. It can easily turn in to the opposite, and can also become a habitual behavior that just results in emphasizing those differences.
I have been caught out doing it. I did not mean it to be offensive, but it quickly transformed from something that was funny once or twice and then became unwelcome. I remember a couple times in my life where it took a third party pointing out the hurtfulness of my behavior to make me stop.
There is a very common trash talk interaction among young men that I have taken as a social tool meant to build both humility and strength as a member of a group. It can easily get out of hand and become a purely negative thing.
Your son needs to decide how much he wants these friends. If the ribbing continues and he chooses to continue the relationship he needs at some point to express that he is sick and tired of this behaviour. This is not easy for most people, even those who are already articulate, and the perfect moment probably will never appear. Sometimes just walking away may be the best statement.
Direct intervention from a parent or authority figure is unlikely to be helpful to him. Give him support, let him know his feelings are valid. Try to help him establish when the line is crossed between friendly ribbing and abuse. This is a battle that is very useful to learn to fight, because he is almost certainly going to be in a similar situation again in his life.