Looking for talking points suitable for a 12 yr old boy.
Last night We had a sleepover. My two sons each had two friends stay over. One of my younger son’s friends is black. I overheard my older son telling him to “get out of here ghetto boy” when the youger boys were storming the castle of his room.
My son claims he didn’t mean anything by it, that it’s common slang in school. I heard it, and it sounded mean and derogatory.
My wife and I were stunned that our son would treat anyone this way, and I’m sure we left him with a very clear idea about our feelings on the matter. We want to bring this up again with him, and hoping maybe someone who has dealt with this before might have some pointers.
Here is a story and a thought. In my teens my best friends were Mike, a jewish guy, and Dave, a black guy. Me, being a white christian guy filled out the trio. Anyway one day Mikes Mom overheard us talking. We were insulting each other and using some pretty vulgar terms (Nigger, Kike, Cracker, etc.) which we did all the time. Mikes Mom freaked out. We didn’t get it at the time.
Here is the thought. We were using the most vulgar terms to insult each other because that’s what kids do at times. It, to us, was the same as calling someone a dick. No harm was intended by anyone. No harm was felt by anyone. We were kids joking around. At the same time we didn’t fully realize the power the words we were using could have on other people.
I would explain to your son that while he and his friends might not find the slang to be offensive many other people might. Be clear about why others will find the terms offensive. I would also explain that using loaded/powerful words, even if meant in jest, can cause harm. Also explain that using loaded terms in public can affect other people because other people will hear the terms and may not understand that they were meant as a joke.
I guess what I am trying to say is point out to your son that some terms are loaded and there may be unintended effects when using those terms.
Ditto. I wouldn’t worry about what they say to each other. In fact, I would venture that since he was comfortable enough with his friend to say that to him implies that he isn’t racist.
I think it’s more of a sensitivity thing. Teaching a 12 year old boy about sensitivity must be like teaching a rhino to ride a bike. Good luck with that!
Hell, I’m 33 male and I STILL do it with some of my long time friends. (friends I still have from my teenage years) I have a mexican and a black friend. When we get to slamming on each other; *nothing’s * off limits.
Its just the way some of us guys are.
My moms theory about all this is; this is what we do to show our love for one another. Since we’re guys we can’t just come out and say it! becuase that would be gay. (Not that their is anything wrong with that. )
I think the guys who replied above are probably right about the reasoning behind the boys’ words, but I also think one shouldn’t let an opportunity to slow the spread of ignorance to pass by. I’d take sleestack’s advice, and let your son know that YOU know he meant no harm, but that you find his choice of words offensive, and that one doesn’t have to MEAN harm to CAUSE harm.
Yeah, kids just do this, and it means nothing. My best, best, best friend in High School was half Puerto Rican, and I called her “spic” all the time. To us, it was a term of affection. Just be sure to let your son know that he needs to make sure he doesn’t use this language with people that might be offended by it. Also tell him that if he doesn’t know if those around him will be offended, assume they will.
I agree. I’m white, my wife is black and one of our best friends is Puerto Rican. We say a lot of things to each other in private that would make peoples ears bleed if it was in public, but we all love each other…it’s all in fun.
As usual with things like this, take it in context.
It’s best to handle these things with all involved there. Just keep it light hearted, say what you heard, explain that some people may misunderstand and ask if they have plenty of other ways of dissing each other. When they assure you they do (what teenager doesn’t), suggest that they use these other “non-loaded” insults around strangers.
It would be one thing if the one calling him “ghetto boy” was your son’s friend. Seems like it was the older son, who he isn’t as close to. I’d say that if the older son isn’t really the black kid’s best bud, then your concern is warranted. Risky nicknames like “ghetto boy” should be reserved for best friends, not aquaintances. Especially if that aquaintance is significantly older (or more powerful).
It’s common slang for adolescents to call others “retard” and “fag”, too, but I wouldn’t encourage this behavior in my children. Not only does the wrong message get sent to outsiders, but it’s potentially unfair if the other person doesn’t have slang that’s as equally loaded or offensive. If the black kid is being called “ghetto boy”, what term does he have in rebutal? Suburban boy? White bread boy?
Hell, i’m a girl and we all did it, I mean it isnt just a guy thing. All my firends knew i was quite Italian and they called me deigo and guinea and stuff like that. i guess it just never occured to me to be insulted or anything.
Although I would also be concerned about the specific boy’s feelings, from my perspective as a parent, I would be just as concerned with teaching my son to think about what the language he uses actually means. I once stopped a video-game session between my kids and a few of their friends because one of them said, “That’s so gay,” referring to something in the game. I realize that it’s common middle-school slang and that he almost certainly didn’t mean to be derogatory to gay people in general. I don’t care; it’s not a term I want used in that way in my house, and I let the kids know it and know why.
It’s all part of teaching children about getting along in society as a whole. My particular corner of society doesn’t condone the use of derogatory terms like “ghetto boy” or “spic” or “that’s gay,” and I feel it’s my duty to make that clear to any children whom I might influence.
I’m sorry; I didn’t respond to the actual question in the OP.
I would sit my son down (without the younger one there, if I thought his presence would make the older one feel defensive) and expand on why I object to the term he used, or to any racist term, even if he didn’t “mean it.” Yes, you’d be making a big deal of it, but there are some issues it’s worth making a big deal of. Your son probably didn’t mean anything racist by the term, but it’s worth making it clear to him how it sounded to you, whether he meant it that way or not.
When I talk to my kids about things like this, I try to approach it in as neutral a way as possible. I’d be careful that my son knew I was explaining my point of view, not accusing him of being racist. In the above example, after the neighborhood kids had left, I told my daughters and their close friend (who’s an honorary child of mine) how I feel about people calling things they don’t like “gay.” I asked them whether it was something they heard a lot at school (duh) and I told them it makes me think about how a gay student or teacher feels when they hear it being used. I went into a little detail about the history of gay liberation, about how much struggle has gone into making it possible for someone who’s gay to be open about it, and about how many barriers there still are for gay people.
I’d just make sure he knows that some people may consider it derogatory…
My best friend Kat (who is chinese) shall forever be “My little yellow friend” (with apologies to Inspector Clouseau and, of course, trusty old Kato)… I’m sure it would make some people’s hair stand on end.
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