Well, not so much technical support as warranty repair; my notebook, just over a year old, started spontaneously switching off, so I contacted the support/repair contractor…
**Mangetout: **My notebook needs repair
**Support: **Certainly sir, could you give me the serial number?
**M: **<reads sixty-three digit alphanumeric string>
(interlude - the audience is asked merely to imagine the hilarity that accompanied the transfer of serial number data)
**S: **Ah! your warranty has expired, so this would be a paid-for repair
**M: **Ummm… it’s a three-year warranty and I have had the machine less than two years.
**S: **Let me just check for you…
(long wait on hold, listening to ‘Greensleeves’)
**S: **It’s… let me just check something…
(longer wait on hold, listening to ‘Greensleeves’ again)
**S: **Yes, that will be fine; so just pack the machine up and we’ll collect it… If I could just take down the details of the problem.
**M: **(at great length, details the fact that the machine spontaneously and abruptly switches off completely and that it appears to be related to intensive memory use etc etc)
(The PC is collected, a week passes)
**M: **(decides to check that everything is progressing nicely, calls the support hotline) Yes! hello, I’d like to get a progress report on a repair job that is with you.
**S: **Certainly sir, could you give me the serial number?
**M: **Oh God, not again.
(Interlude - this time, the audience need only understand that ‘3’ is sometimes alternatively pronounced ‘V’, ‘P’ or ‘G’)
**S: **Ah, yes…let me just check for you…
(long wait on hold, listening to ‘Greensleeves’)
**S: **It’s… wait a moment…
(longer wait on hold, listening to ‘Greensleeves’ again)
**S: **Right, well, I spoke to the technician, who has been trying to test it, but the problem is, you see, that the machine keeps shutting down for some reason.
**M: **Yes
**S: **So he’s having to find out what is causing that before he can fix it.
**M: **(sensing something is not quite right) You are aware that the shutting down thing is the actual reported fault, aren’t you?
**S: **Wait a moment…
(‘Greensleeves’ again)
**S: **The… hang on…
(More ‘Greensleeves’)
**S: **So it shuts itself down?
**M: **Yes, so I sent it to you to see if you could do something about that
**S: **OK, we’ll take a look, I expect something is wrong with it.
**M: **Really?
(Another week passes)
**M: **(is now seriously missing the notebook, decides to call up again - the usual serial number and greensleeves farce is played out)So, what news?
**S: **There’s definitely something wrong with it; we tried updating the BIOS, but it still seems to shut itself down.
**M: **Yes, so… what now?
**S: **We’ll have to try a few more things, I suppose, umm… (silence)
**M: **O…Kay… so when do you reckon…?
**S: **Difficult to say, it’ll take as long as it takes; we have to find out why it keeps shutting down, you see?
**M: **(hangs up phone and adopts fetal posture)