Well, at the risk of incurring sequential thread mayhem, I need to ask some advice.
My son is 15. He does not live with me, but visits me often. He has a girlfriend and they’ve been together for about a year. Last time we spoke, he said that he wants me to meet her, and we made plans to get together at a local attraction that he wants to take her to.
To all appearances, she’s a really nice girl; she’s kind to him, they have fun together, and he seems really happy. Her family really likes him.
So, I want to bring her a little gift of some sort when I meet her. She is, I believe, sixteen. They have access to a lot of big stores where they live, so it would have to be something you couldn’t get just anywhere. But not too big a deal, because teenagers embarrass easily. (!)
Why?
I mean, I don’t quite understand why you feel the necessity to bring her something? Are you giving your son something too?
To be honest, I wouldn’t be trying to seal this relationship in cement just yet…he is only 15. Yes, I know some people met the love of their life at that age, but for most this is borderline puppy-love.
I think just being friendly and nice and maybe picking up the tab for all of you at lunch would more than suffice.
Yeah, I kinda agree. If you want to do something nice next time you meet then take them someplace fun that would be a treat for a teenager, maybe a better restaurant or something like that. If you want to give a gift I’d find out when her birthday is and wait for that.
I agree with DMark. If you can think of something small that they can enjoy together, that’s great, but don’t kill yourself trying to come up with something, because a gift is completely unnecessary.
You’d be far better off to just pick up the tab for that local attraction, along with whatever meal falls into that time frame, and maybe souveniers.
Get them something they can both enjoy. Do they go to the movies? Blockbuster? Favorite restaurant? Attraction? Get them a gift card that’s enough money to pay for both of them. Or just cover the costs when you meet up with them.
When my senior-year of college BF’s mom gave me some mild christmas presents (a pretty journal; some chocolates) I thought it was far more than she had to do (but a very sweet gesture).
I’d have been right freaked out if my HS boyfriends family started gifting me, like they were already grooming to be “one of the family” (eek!!! No thank you!!!). It also creates a potential obligation to reciprocate which might be a bit much for a 16 yr old to navigate and cause unneeded stress on her. I say: a gift at this stage no matter how innocuous is too much too soon.
Consider also whether your son has ever had cause to give her a gift at this point? You don’t want to show him up.
My mother always harps on the virtues of consumable gifts: the cost is ambiguous, they are easily used or shared, and no one expects you to still have them next time they visit. Ask if she likes chocolate. If yes, buy chocolate :-P.
I think the posters saying that a gift isn’t necessary are partially right but, at the point where they’ve been dating a year and her family knows and likes your son, a small gift could be a construed as a sign of acceptance/approval. Not a bad message to send.
Thanks, all. I really don’t have that innate sense of what is appropriate in all situations. Well, I have intuition, but sometimes it’s misguided. There’s a lot of social situations that you don’t think much about until you’re in them.
Still, I like what Telcontar says. (and j666 also.) I too have this opinion about consumable gifts. And, that is what I’m trying to convey — approval and acceptance. I know there’s lots of little ways in which her family has already had the opportunity to make these kinds of gestures to my son. (hee hee, even their chihuahua likes him.)
I think chocolate is a great idea. I believe what I’ll do is get one fancy truffle for each of them.
So glad I have the Board to give me perspective on these things!
I agree that a gift is unnecessary, and probably would embarrass both your son and his girlfriend. Offer to buy lunch or a souvenir when you are with them, but I don’t think you need to do more than that unless this visit happens to coincide with her birthday.
Why yes, she’s Latina. We’re Italian. Not all that different of an ethnic background really, except that American culture in general I believe has de-emphasized warmth for everyone of all ethnic backgrounds, and that’s a pity.
