First, I have to provide a little backstory to set up the scenario. A little over 2 years ago I went back to (a local) college at 31 after being laid off and getting divorced. Since that day I have been surrounded by women on campus that are so cute that it isn’t even fair. That said, I’ve just enjoyed the scenery and focused on the full time coursework without any real romantic feelings whatsoever.
That changed at the beginning of the Fall semester however when I involuntarily became very fond of a 23 y/o woman that drew me into her orbit with just her genteel presence. She is so genuinely sweet natured and warm that I think I could fall in love with her if I let myself.
We have become genuine friends and there is some very subtle flirting. She will lock arm in arm with me as we leave class and go down the stairs, we have had short coffee dates a few times in the school bookstore between classes, and recently I have gotten those extended eye contact looks with the head tilts and brushing of her hair behind her ears.
I have been very careful not to explicitly let on about how I feel until now and the last day of my class with her is Wednesday. I would like to get her an “I was thinking about you” gift that didn’t drift into the romantic category that would open up the door for continued contact.
If she were 26 I wouldn’t be so hesitant. Because she is 23 I want to allow some room in there for her to do her own thing and seek me out later if she isn’t ready right now.
Buy her a nice journal. You can tell her you got it because you thought you were sure to get your name written down once at least. And who knows maybe sometime in the future she’ll get in touch about you making another appearance in it.
You clearly do want her romantically though, so while I understand the fear of “scaring her off”, you are only hurting yourself by trying so hard not to show any expression of romantic interest.
So a 5 year difference is fine but an 8 year difference isn’t? You’re both adults, it’s not something you should worry about too much.
Honestly, the age difference is meaningless to me. She is so innately thoughtful and warm that she has poise beyond her years. What I’m thinking is that she may want/need the room to have options after she graduates next year… and I’m trying to lay the groundwork for me to be one of those options by nibbling around the edges and letting her make the choice.
I used the age 26 because that is a few years out of school and people start to think a little more long term by then.
Ask her on a solid date and make an actual pass at her, don’t try to find a gift that magically communicates to her. If you keep hiding that you’re actually interested, she’s going to write in her journal that you were a sweet friend, and then you’ll get to see her with ‘some jerk’ who did explicitly let on that he was interested in her.
If things don’t develop now, she’s just not going to seek you out later. That’s not the way things work.
Good lord man! Stop putting this girl on a pedestal like like she’s a fragile Faberge egg , and ask her out. If she needs “space” or time to figure things out, she’ll tell you. No need to make those decisions for her.
To put it in perspective, if she’s a college girl who’s dating much at all (and especially if she’s using online dating or hookup aps) she has probably gotten at least a dozen unsolicited dick pics or explicit propositions from guys who she contacted and tried to get to know. If you politely ask her to be more than occasional coffee friends, she’s really unlikely to be offended.
Don’t fool yourself.
After she does her own thing, she won’t seek you out later. She’ll have moved on with her life, and you will be left behind.
If you want to get serious with her, start now.
With your age and experience in the real world (job, marriage and divorce)…you are probably more aware than she is of potential problems. The two of you are not at the same stage of life, and each of you may be looking for a different kind of friendship.
But locking arms as you walk down the stairs ain’t a bad place to start.
Thanks everyone, I bought a cute journal for her. I have a perfect reason for giving it because she is going to have a brief, but noteworthy adventure coming up that I can say it’s for.
I understand and agree with a lot of your reasoning. IMHO, few 23 year olds benefit from being in ANY kind of serious relationship.
But in your particular case, either it’s going to happen or it’s not. She already knows if she’d be open to dating you or not. Nothing you do at this point is going to change her mind one way or the other. Just ask her on a real date.
