Teenagers pulling away from family -- or do they get pushed away?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ll try to keep this short, and free of long anecdotes. Not just recently, but over the last 20 - 25 years, I’ve seen/participated in this kind of discussion on social media and sometimes in person.

OP: Tells about their much-younger sibling, partner’s kid, friend’s kid…someone in their circle. “S/he is so moody and withdrawn. How can I reach out to them?”

Multiple posters: “Show them that they are appreciated and cared for. Do activities with them, talk to them, spend one-on-one time with them. Never make them feel like they’re in the way or anything negative.”

Me: “Funny to hear you guys say that. When I was that age, I tried my best to be pleasant and friendly and helpful, and I got snapped at, brushed off, or just ignored. [Gives examples].”

Posters: “Wow, you sound really annoying. I would have ignored you too.”

Seriously; if you’ve read some of my other threads, you have an idea of what it was like. When I was in the five-to-ten year range, everyone seemed to like me. I don’t think I was doted on, or the golden child, but I always felt welcome at family gatherings. But when I started to get into what was not yet called the tween years, I started getting a colder and colder reception from extended family. And I don’t think it was due to anything I did. If anything, I was making a conscious effort to be pleasant and friendly, and I kept getting more responses like, “Ugh, whatever; can you get out of here please?” or no response at all.

With my mom’s family, I think it was mostly due to that second wave. People had been practicing on me, and now that they were parents, grandparents or whatever for real, they didn’t need me for that, and couldn’t conceive of any other use for me. And I’d thought I was going to move up in the ranks. Instead I was cashiered. But on my dad’s side? I dunno; I guess they just got tired of me.

And there may have been an underlying sense of “Why bother being nice to her now? She’s bound to turn into an angsty, sullen teenager, and it will have been for nothing.” And funnily enough, it was being shushed and snapped at and ignored that conditioned me to be the silent, unsmiling person siting in the corner reading a book. Hey, they wanted me out of the way…

So a lot of people here have raised children who are now adults. Was it like this with you, or anyone in your family/friend group – started liking your children less as they got into puberty? And am I tripping, or is there more percentage in a teenager being moody and uncooperative, so adults will be inspired to try to win them over?

2

IMHO, American society is hostile to teenagers. I think what you experienced is common, and people get it from family members and strangers. (Also, I stopped getting asked questions about what I was doing in school once my parents and relatives felt embarrassed that I was learning things they didn’t know.)

In general, Americans do not spend money on resources for teens nearly as much as other groups. Teens need places to gather, especially outside. Growing up, I couldn’t go anywhere without a car outside my suburban subdivision, and there were almost no common resources aside from a dinky park. So the most popular outdoor activity was teens taking pot-shots at each other with paintball guns from the other side of the park.

Parents also often try to control their teenager’s social lives - who they can spend time with, when they can date, etc. That is a recipe for resentment.

3

I didn’t experience that as a teen. But I generally don’t ascribe to the idea that teens become moody or sullen or withdrawn all of a sudden for no reason. Sure, hormones may play a role, but in general, one of the most common reasons is that their parents or someone has been irritating them for a long time and only by teenage-hood did the cumulative burden reach a tipping point.

A 6-year old may put up with an over-protective parent, for instance, not knowing better. A 16-year old is less likely to tolerate it.

4

Sometimes, parents are just assholes. Kids too, but at least they have an excuse.

5

IME, parents of young girls are constantly receiving some version of “you may be thankful you have a sweet little girl instead of a rambunctious little boy now - but when she hits adolescence, buckle up!”

6

Mr. Rilch read this and said, paraphrased, “A lot of adults have to be in control. So they have to be the one to make the first move. If a teenager sits in the corner scowling, some adults see that as a challenge. If they can fix this problem, they’ll be a hero! But if a teenager speaks first, well, that’s too forward. And there’s nothing to be fixed, so not worth the adult’s time.”

Got that right.

True, too.

You know, I also have this cousin, part of that second wave that beached me, and I literally don’t know what her problem was (because her mother and mine were estranged for many years), but she was truly out of control as a teen. She was violent, she was destructive, there was a suicide attempt that brought lights and sirens…and her parents tried multiple ways to “reach” her. Therapy, family therapy, comfort-animal therapy (she didn’t try to hurt the animals, thank Og), and she just kept going. I got all this third-hand from my mom, who heard it from the aunt who was neutral in the dispute. I was in my mid-twenties at the time, working full time and common-law married to Mr. Rilch, and I admit I had a bit of a twinge. “I wish I could have made people afraid of me like that! They might have tried to cure me with kindness.” But right after that, “Yeah, but she’s really blown up her life, and I don’t think getting to cuddle rabbits will have been worth it.”

7

I have two great kids(?) in their mid-20s now. As teens, both of them got into a sport (rec league, not ultra competitive), and excelled academically, so they were both too exhausted all the time to get into trouble or conflict with us. We respected their privacy as smart phones came into being, no surveillance unless warranted - you have to start in a place of mutual trust, not suspicion. I like them about equal to the time when they though of us as Gods - I don’t think I have liked them more or less along the way. Maybe it was just them - they did not present to us as moody, sullen, or uncooperative (lazy, heck ya!) teenagers. Engagement was sort-of a crapshoot - sometimes they wanted to do stuff with us, and other times not. We didn’t force them to do anything. And we openly discussed any topic with them without boundaries, and were honest with our views and opinions, and respected theirs. We discouraged substances and alcohol, but did not prohibit it. Remember, you are not raising children, you are raising confident, competent adult people, but unfortunately, there is no “right” way - every parent does their best.

8

@snowthx: I’m glad to hear that. But I was really asking about extended family: grandparents, aunts and uncles.

I still can’t quite understand why, from my cousin M’s wedding when I was nine, there’s a photo of me smiling and toasting the B&G with my plastic cabaret glass of ginger ale, sitting between my grandma and another cousin…and from my cousin D’s wedding when I was thirteen, there are no photos of me because I was completely ghosted, from the moment I arrived. And no, I don’t think it was because there was advance notice of my bad behavior. What bad behavior? Walking up to people and saying, “Hi, I’m Rilchie; are you with the bride or the groom?”

ETA: @Filbert: That was definitely the case with one of my aunts. The mother of the OOC cousin I mentioned, in fact.

9

Some adults are only interested in spending time with kids because they’re little, cute and easily impressed. They say stupid entertaining stuff, and they accept what you say without really questioning. A six year old will look up to you, even if you’re a bit of a loser, just because you’re an adult. Once they hit the teen years.. not so much.

And for the people who only value kids as entertainment, rather than as actual people, well… no fun any more, time to move on. Teenagers can’t have anything interesting to say, right? They don’t really understand anything but they think they know everything. Ugh.

10

Oh - sorry about the tangential comment! They had close relations with their grandparents on my wife’s side when they were little. They had cousins not too far away but were not all that close to them or their aunt/uncle there. The grandparents did stuff with them until the sports and school made them busy, but it wasn’t them getting pushed away - just everyone going in different directions/interests. We just didn’t have a lot of extended family nearby for them to interact with, I guess.

I wonder sometimes about the dynamics of close extended family and how that really works out, since that was not in the cards for us and we did not experience that.

11

all happy families are alike each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way

12

And for the record, it was not a child-free wedding, and I was invited. I was not the youngest person there, either; just the only one who was anything-teen. There was a handful of single-digit children, and everyone else, except me, was 21+. But I was absolutely not gatecrashing.

13

I stayed in my children’s faces when they were teens.

The acted like they hated it because it was expected.

Now they’re young adults they are very close in proximity and tell me all their secrets. I know things I probably don’t need to know.

If you’re a teen and you feel like you’re ostracized or ignored in the extended family there has to be an underlying issue. Extended families, aunts, grandparents and cousins have very little stake in how you’ve grown up or succeeded or not. Extended family dynamics, whatever it is, can really creep into the family central.

I’m a grandma who happens to like her grandkids. Of course I love them, but I like them too. Especially the near tween ones. OMG. They are so interesting to talk to.

The babies are fun til they’re not happy.

I loved my teenagers. Always wanted to be around them and listening to their chatter. Fun times.

I don’t think near all families do what you say was done to you, @Rilchiam .

Some do. Some also beat the hell outta their teens or kick them to the curb.

I would’ve loved sitting in a corner reading a book. But no, no beck had to be hugged, cheeks pinched, told “how tall I was”.

Yeah be happy you got by so easy.

14

I hope you’re not implying that I brought it on myself somehow. There were some underlying issues, but not caused by me. And being harsh and unwelcoming to me did not fix anything.

You know what, no. I did not have it “easy” by being told to shut up the first time I tried to join a conversation. It was not the easy way, to be alone with no one to talk to, while everyone else wallowed in “family time”. It was not the easy way to be constantly dragged to places where I was made unwelcome, and to know that my classmates were spending their weekends with each other, strengthening friendships and perfecting social skills, while I fell further and further behind, socially. It was not easy for me, being tossed aside like an empty beer bottle. And I can count on one hand the number of times I got hugged, as a child or teenager.

15

Our children are not adults. Some had rough spells in their teenage years. We never treated them as you describe here.

16

Of course I don’t blame you.

We don’t know all your family story, nor should we.

But if it was that bad, I feel really sympathetic towards you.

My situation was not easy. I was set apart and excluded because I was the sick girl who couldn’t speak(really, couldn’t talk). It was hell when I was asked many questions and expected to answer. A nod and a smile can just say so much.

Daddy was always honed in on where I was or what I was doing in any setting. Not like I could hide.

I tried to make myself invisible and small. Being quiet was not a problem.

But, yeah we all have crosses to bear.

Sorry yours is still heavy.

17

Family dynamics, if there even is a famiy, are complex. Often no family or not much.

I worked a a Job Corps center for 12 years. It is a program for disadvantaged youth. They will help you get a drivers license, High school education or GED, teach the things they probably should have learned in shool, and train you for a trade usually, if the student can get thier shit together and pay attention.

The common denominator was a broken home of some sort. Single mom living in a small apartment with a young person sitting on the couch all day doing nothing, and given a choice, of go into the military, Job Corps, America Corps, or just ending up out on the street alone. You are going somewhere out of here. No choice, you are getting out of here, mom’s boyfriend does not like you.

So many lost, directionless kids. No hope, no future, no plans. Schools are not designed for these students. Schools prepare students for college, not the realites of life. Some will make it, others will fail, some are just headed for prison.

The word “family” often does not even enter into the equation. Sorry for the rant, I saw a lot of successes, failures, and kids who just needed to be parked in a stable environment where they could grow up for a few years.

I beleive that I made small differences in some young lives.

18

I’m not sure I have much of value to add to this discussion, having never been a parent. I was isolated in my family, but it mostly came from my side, as a closeted gay kid in the 50s and 60s, and also because of sometimes severe childhood eczema, for which I got told by my mother to “quit scratching” because if I bled on anything it was extra work for her doing laundry. By the time I was in high school, I only talked to my parents if I had to, and I was the kid in the corner with a book. I carried those feelings for a long time, and never got close to my parents, although they seemed to want it once I was still an adult (but still in the closet to them). Around the age of 40 I finally got into serious therapy where I was able to deal with my feelings about my parents, and to forgive them for not being perfect, for their lack of warmth, which they had never experienced much of either. I have felt so much more free since that time, and I’m still very glad I went through that lengthy (2 years) and expensive process ($100/week around 1980). Since you still seem to carry these early experiences around with you today, I highly recommend it. The hard part is finding a good therapist; I got lucky with mine.

19

A solo teen at a wedding full of older adults and little kids is inherently a bit of fish out of water. If you add to that some pre-existing family dynamics that the grown-ups are awkward, are uptight, don’t like your branch of the overall family tree or are simply ignorant and/or stupid, well, there’s a lot of room for a sensitive teen to be profoundly hurt by that afternoon of mistreatment.

I’d ask the OP if you see this as an isolated traumatic incident of your youth, or perhaps a catalytic event where for years afterwards all the adults who treated you poorly that day continued to do so? If the latter, did they eventually grow out of that by the time you were 20 or 25 or whatever?

I’m sorry you’ve got this scar in your mind. It should not have happened.

20

As a parent of a 9yr girl and 12 year old boy, I can offer my theories. They are mostly based on my own anecdotal experience, so take it as you will.

Part of it is they are not little kids anymore. So I think there’s a combination of behavior that might have been acceptable or given a pass when they were little is no longer considered “cute”. Plus there are growing expectation on them in terms of school, activities, chores around the house, etc.

And they are looking for more autonomy and independence as well, which they often aren’t quite ready for.

It’s not so much they get “pushed away”. It’s more like we are trying to make them more independent while they are also looking to be more independent. But they are also becoming people with their own interests. And sometimes we adults have zero interest in their interests and they are big enough we don’t have to pretend to like Paw Patrol or Barbie or whatever the fuck (unless you actually do).