Telemarketers, I understand you have scripts, but jeez...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Since my job requires me to be on the phone a lot, I rarely answer it when I’m home. Usually, Mrs. Blue Sky will fend off the telemarketers by telling them I’m not home. This, unfortunately, doesn’t make them stop.

Now, when I see “unknown caller” or “out of area” on the caller ID, I answer and tell them I’m dead. So far, this has worked. It embarrasses the caller and, hopefully, gets me off one more list.

Tonight, however, the following transpired:

MBS: Hello.

Them: May I speak to Mr. Blue Sky?

MBS: I’m sorry he deceased. Is there something I can do for you?

Them: Well, he’s been chosen to receive a free (something about a credit report, I wasn’t listening that well).

MBS: Well, it isn’t going to do him any good since he’s deceased.

Them: Is there a better time we can call back?

(at this point I realize that this person doesn’t know what deceased means)

MBS: No there’s never going to be a better tine since he’s deceased. Deceased means dead. He’s dead.

Them: (stumbling over words) Oh my, oh, I’m so sorry…

MBS: That’s okay. You have a nice day, though.
:smiley:

2

Think about how much more embarrassed he’d have been if he’d been trying to sell you a thesaurus.

3

sweet

i get calls from TM’s and i just say i work for a competitor of what they are selling…or i mess with them…getting them to repeat stuff over and over cause im acting all dumb and crap…TM’s hate to have their time wasted because it keeps them from getting to the next potential customer who may just buy and the TM will get commission on the sale

once a local paper called and wanted me to subscribe…i told them i cant…they say…why not sir…i said im blind…the remorse in the guys voice was more than i couldve asked for…the guy couldnt of said sorry anymore than he did…it made me laff

remember if TM’s dont make money the business will not survive…so alot of people must give lots of money to all the TM’S who call

4

I know telemarketers can be a pain in the butt, but a lot of students choose a job at a TM place, to pay for college. It beats stripping, and pays more than McDonald’s.

I’ve worked as a TM, myself - my first job, and all I could get with no experience. It was legitimate, not one of those trick-the-elderly-into-paying-for-a-cruise deals. I was promoting services from some financial institution in the States. Still, I had to put up with a lot of abuse.

People hate telemarketers, that’s just a fact of life… but now that I’ve seen the other side, I try to be nice to them. I tell them to put me on a “don’t call” list, and wish them better luck on their next call. Try to keep in mind that most of these people aren’t calling you at suppertime to offer you a better mortgage because they WANT to annoy you. They’re just doing their job, trying to make money for rent or food or school.

5

Here’s a thimble.

To catch the tears I cry for telemarketers.

6

Sometimes they just need to think a bit. An actual conversation:

We’re doing a survey of wine. How much wine have you had in the last six months?

None, I don’t drink wine.

Last month?

None, I still don’t drink wine.

Last week?

None. Did you hear me say it last time?

Did you have any white wine in the last week?

Do you remember me telling you I haven’t had any in the last week/month/six months. I don’t drink wine.

Did you have any red wine in the last week?

Yes. Lots of red wine.

How much would you say?

I’d say none. I’ve said all along none, except the last time, but that was just to see if you were listening.

We’re almost done here…

No, until you can actually think about what I’m saying, you’re wasting my time and yours.

Is there a better time we can call you back?

Yes, the next time I drink some white wine.

7

Just start talking about Death Rays and the TMs will very likely hang up.

8

OK now, THAT was funny!

9

RING
RING
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m with MCI and we’ve got a new Long Distance program that…”
“I’m sorry, I don’t have a phone.” CLICK

True story. My wife just stared at me when I hung up after saying that.

10

I had a cow-orker who used a similar speech, but with this added:

“I’m sorry, I don’t have a phone.”

“But, I’m speaking to you on a phone.”

“YOU are speaking on a phone directly into my mind. I have no need for phones.”

CLICK

11

My actual TM conversation;

TM - Hi, we’re having a contest, if you can answer this question, you can win a prize!

Me - I’m not interested.

TM - Here goes! Who is buried in Grants Tomb?

Me - Abraham Lincoln.

TM - Your absolutly right! You have just won

Me - Laughs uproariously and hangs up.

12

In defense of that telemarket’s intelligence, he was on a phone and that can jumble the sounds of the words. Most telemarketers know what deceased means, but can’t always hear what you are saying.

13

Don’t forget that most telemarketers:

a) earn about $7 an hour

b) hate their job, which basically consists of bugging people

c) have somewhere else they’d much rather be, only it don’t pay $7/hr

d) are probably thinking about dinner, but all they’ve got is some flat Mountain Dew and the stale donut that the morning shift left behind

e) are monitored more closely than any high-security felon

f) don’t really give a shit about the long distance plan/encyclopedia/travel offer/car deal/wine tasting/baseball cap deal/survey they’re being paid to tout

g) are generally offered spiff money to perform, much like dolphins are offered bits of raw fish at Wallyworld

I’d rather strip (although being a rotund, middle-aged male, I probably couldn’t get hired).

  • PW
14

When I’m bored, I’ll take a telemarketing call and be superficially polite, perhaps even interested.

Then I pretend to be masturbating, but trying to be stealthy about it, like I don’t really want them to know I’m pounding away like an eleven-year-old who’s just figured the whole thing out. Just the odd lurch over a syllable, or slightly irregular breathing.

The longer the spiel goes on, the less subtle it gets, until the responses to their inquiries, while being neutral in their actual content, become entirely inappropriate in their tone.

This puts the caller in the position of being very uncomfortable and eager to end the call, but obliged to persevere, which pleases me no end.

Twice I’ve had help from folks in the room, with the script altered from “lone wanker” to “engaged in hot monkey sex.” “No, really, there’s no better time to call. Tell me more about these special subscription rates.” Slap slap slap slap slap, (Indistinct moaning from a few feet away.)

Yeah, I’m a bastard. Sue me.

(I’ve sunken deep into poverty without taking telemarketing jobs for the same reason I’m willing to skip meals instead of knocking over old ladies and taking their purses.)

15

It almost sounds like a Monty Python fan trying to get you into a “Dead Parrot” routine.
Almost.
Unfortunately, that’s too funny, and too improbable. It’s likely what you said, namely, the person does not know what deceased means.

16

True story.

Him: Hello, we just received word that you’ve cancelled your long-distance service.

Me: We do not have it and never did.

Him: Well it says here…

Me: It is incorrect. We use a phone card.

Another one:

Him: We can give you a better rate than you have with MCI

Me: We do not use MCI

Him: How about AT&T?

Me: Are you just going to keep naming phone companies until you guess right?

I don’t think he was expecting that one:D

17

iampunha, they never believed me either. They’d argue with me!

“Well how do you call long distance?”
“I don’t”
“Not ever?”
“Nope”
“Well, what if you really need to get in touch with someone?”
“Email”
“But what if they need you right away.”
“Honey, anyone who needs me right away is local. Everyone else is 500 miles or more away. Even if they got in touch with me, I couldn’t do anything for hours anyway.”

18

My brother-in-law got a call selling carpet cleaning:

Him: “We don’t have any.”
Them: “You don’t have any carpets?”
Him: “No, we don’t have any floors.”
<PAUSE>
Click