Telemarketers of the world, I am now officially at war with you. You waste my time, I’m wasting yours.
You call me up to sell me something I have no use for? Ok, I’ll discuss the merits of it. I’ll waste as much of your time as I can talking about getting a septic system installed. I’ll ask you about volume and flow and cleaning and all kinds of things. If you’re lucky, you’ll ask me early enough to learn that I live in an apartment. My neighbors will have some questions, if you keep the appointment you’re trying to make.
I’ll sit there and chat with anybody who will talk to me, about anything at all. I know you have a credit card to try to sign me up for. I told you I’m not interested. Trying again? Ok, tell me how the weather is there. Maybe I can use my credit card to visit it someday. Do you have family in the area? Oh, how wonderful! I knew someone who lived out there, they said it was lovely this time of year. They had your bank’s card too I think. Nice people, had a boat. Do you have a boat? Maybe I’ll buy a boat. Can I buy a boat with this card? I think they used their card for the boat. What kind of boat should I get? I like boats. Blah Blah Blah. I won’t have any idea what the hell I’m talking about, but I will politely waste as much of your time as I possibly can.
I will play the “hold on a minute, the cake’s almost ready” game with you. That’s a fun one.
Anybody else have good tactics? Shy of anything illegal, and stuff that they will be able to act quickly to counter, what can I do to waste their time?
I can’t think of anything to add, but do remember that they’re just trying to make a living. You say you told them you’re not interested…at least make that one of the rules of your game. You have to tell them at least once that you’re not interested. If they persist, then fair’s fair.
And please post transcripts of your conversations. Especially if you actually use the boat thing.
Ahh, yes, Triss. I have nothing against the nice polite ones. If you have made an honest mistake, and admit it, you are not a target. If you are an honest charity, I will politely inform you that I am POORER than those you’re helping, and hang up. If you are a jerk trying to sell me something I don’t want and can’t use… You got my wrath.
Another one, where I decided I was going to war, was foiled after no more than 15 minutes of pleasant chatter…
A nice sounding lady, offering a credit card. I chatted about the weather for maybe 10 minutes. Eventually she transferred me to someone else, claiming she was only a secretary.
I know how these places work. I was once a :::shudder::: telephone SURVEY guy! Ugh! She gave her boss the ‘I got a live one’ signal, and passed the buck.
The new one earned points… he played back. Turned the conversation to sports! Arrgh! My one weakness! I have no idea whether the Spurs will make the finals! I couldn’t possibly care less! Flustered, I stammered… and he struck. My composure broken, I retreated with a feeble “Don’t call me again” and hung up.
But I know they will call again… and when they do…
Them: Hello this is ATT
Me: Hi
Them: We show you are using Verizon as your long distance service.
Me: I am?!? Ok, great. Thanks for calling.
Them: Well sir, the reason we called… um… we wanted to know if you make lots of long distance calls.
Me: Nope. Never.
Them: You NEVER make long distance calls?
Me: Nope. I don’t know anyone. No one at all. My entire family is dead and I have no friends.
Them: Oh, so you don’t use long distance then? Did you know you pay a monthly fee to verizon to have their long distance?
Me: I do?!?! Oh, OK. Thanks.
Them: With ATT you don’t pay a monthy service fee.
Me: But I never call anyone long distance so why change.
Them: Why would you want to pay for a service you don’t use?
Me: Because I’m an idiot. click
Me: Hello? Hello?
I’m one of that dreaded species, Telus Marketus Persona Non Grata. It’s my AM job. I’m at the zoo afternoons. It’s not bad, as TM’s go - I work for a big carpet cleaning company and I mostly call established customers. “Hi Mrs Jones, we were there last June, do you want us this year?” That sort of thing.
I have one hard and fast rule. If they say “Not interested”, I say “Thanks anyway, bye now.” If they say “I’m not interested right now.” I’ll say “Is there a better time of the year to call?” and note when to call back. There’s no point trying to force anyone into getting their carpet done, because they’ll just cancel anyway.
I figure if a TM wants to keep you on the phone, try to sell you stuff that’s either crap, illegal or grossly overpriced, then by all means, mess 'em up if you can!
If it’s legitimate, especially if it’s a company you’ve used in the past, please play fair. After all, the simplest way to get rid of a TM is to firmly but gently say “Sorry, not interested” and HANG UP!
It’s kind of hard to talk a dial tone into anything.
My policy is now “Please put me on your do-not-call list” and then hang up. My life is too short to spend time annoying some poor shlub who works at a crummy job.
When I get a telemarketing call through my iconnecthere account (through the computer), I crank up my computer speakers loud enough for them to hear a discernable echo. So during their spiel, the telemarketer is hearing his own voice at about a half a second delay. This serves the dual purpose of:
1: Confusing and disorienting the telemarketer.
And
2: Amusing me.
Sometimes they ask about it but I just try to convince them it’s on their end.
The funny thing is, I honestly don’t ever make any long distance calls. I always use my cell phone. We don’t even have long distance service. Yet, the telemarketers will never believe me.
“No, I’m not interested in your long distance service… well, I wouldn’t save money because I don’t make long distance calls… No, I don’t plan on making any long distance calls in the future… No, really. I don’t need it. I don’t even have long distance service now… No, I don’t want it, because I DON"T USE IT!.. Honest… Listen, I swear I wouldn’t lie to you…”
If I was able to speak the “urban lingo” I suppose that would amuse me quite a bit. Especially if I could lace it with as much profanity as possible.
But I’m boring, I never pick up my phone until I hear the person speak over the message and recognize the voice.
Well. Only 1 more month till the “Do Not Call List” kicks off. Although “Some businesses remain exempt from the TSR, including long-distance phone companies and airlines, and insurance companies operating under state regulations.”
I guess I’m a freak for saying this - why not just say no thank you and hang up? I know telemarketers are not the most popular people in the world, but they are doing their job. They surely get paid on some kind of matrix - calls made or transactions completed - whatever. And although you may think it is highly amusing to waste their time, you may be hurting them financially more seriously than you think. Nobody becomes a telemarketer as a lifetime goal - it is a means to an end. I’ve seen many former telemarketers post here - an inevitably their reasons include “it was the only job I could find” or some variation of it.
If you don’t want to deal with telemarketers, just hang up when they call - if you don’t want any contact at all, get caller i.d. If you don’t consider telemarketer’s time important, is yours? You are also wasting it by listening - and you are not succeeding in changing anything that makes you unhappy with the process.
I screen my calls through the answering machine ever since I got a really mean lady yelling at me. I answered and the machine picked up and she started calling me a coward and saying that she heard me say hello. Now my machine picks up with a cheery “Dr. Lecter’s office!” and they hang right up. Ahhhh…bliss.
Ask them what they are wearing. Repeat until you get some answer. Tell them how sexy that sounds. Start breathing hard. Tell them how horny you are, and how you wish they were with you.
I’m easily amused.
Sometimes I think I’m the only person in the world (besides actual telemarketers) who isn’t bothered by telemarketers.
My last experience with a telemarketer …
Me: Hello?
TM: Hello, I’d like to talk to you about the advantages of switching your long distance service to Handy-Dandy Long Distance.
Me: I don’t have long distance on this phone, I use my cell phone for that.
TM: Okay. Thank you, have a nice day.
Me: Bye bye now. You take care.
Barring niceties like that, I usually resort to the standard … “No thank you,” and hang up. I’m fairly confident the person on the other end will be dialing another number before the dial tone gets cold and not sitting there with a gun to his head because I hung up on him.
Cold calling is the back bone of sales … even though I’d never want to actually do it, it does yield results.
My main issue with telemarketers, is the ones who keep their number unlisted. Which, to me, is severely fucked up, and a rather bad idea, from a business perspective. What if someone decided they did want to purchase your product? It would sure make that easier on them if you left your number on their Caller ID. Also… we have gotten as many as 20 a day. Sorry, but if I am not home right now, or not picking up the phone right now, for an unavailable, this is not going to change in the next five minutes. And I have proven that time and time again, it’s the same person/company. Leave me the FUCK alone. I TOLD you to take me off your call list. Bastards. Oh, and the calling at 5 till 9? Rude. I don’t mind polite people. But calling that late is RUDE. I don’t even call my friends that late, unless I am quite confident that they, or their parents, don’t go to bed that earlier. My parents DO, because they get up early.
Oh, and also, while it’s a slightly smaller irritant, and far more reasonable on their end… we keep getting calls from our satellite provider, asking if we want the newest service. We have the newest service. I don’t mind once or twice, obviously that’s bound to happen. But they keep coming. God bless this new bill.
<brain jump>Whenever ATT, or another phone company calls… I always think of a Capital Steps song. About a guy who gets called everyday during dinner… from an ATT telemarketer. He battles with her… and then tells her he works for MCI.</brain jump>
I normally am bothered by them, but there are exceptions.
Me: Hello?
TM: Hello sir, this is Ignatio calling from Time-Life books.
Me: Uh, thanks, but I’m really…
TM: We’re offering a new product that we think you might be…
Me: I’m sorry, I’m not interested, please put me on your do not…
TM: It’s a series of history books. You get one per month for $14.95.
Me: Not interested. Please put me on your… Did you say history books?
TM: Yes sir.
Me: Why, that does sound intriguing. Can you tell me more?
TM: Sure. They cost $14.95 per month. Would you like to charge this to your credit card?
Me: What periods of history do they cover?
TM: Uh, I think, like, Nixon, and some wars, and algebra, and…
Me: Let me make it easy on you. What does it say on the cover of volume I?
TM: …and Russian dressing, and that war that starred Mel Gibson, and…
Me: OK, maybe if you told me how many volumes there are in the series.
TM: How many? Well, it’s about fourteen inches tall, and about, uh, maybe, uh, let me go get a ruler.
At this point I figured a mercy hanging-up was the polite thing.
I used to wage this battle… I had “telemarketer day” where I would answer all the unknown calls that came in that day and tell them I wasn’t interested and wanted to be on the do not call list…
Now I have the lovely call intercept feature my phone company offers and have not had a telemarketer call since. Yay! Apparently they don’t want to give their name and stuff to the computer that answers the phone for them.
Caller ID has been a blessing for me. I don’t answer unless I recognize who’s calling. I have to say, tho, it’s interesting to see how many times certain companies call.
Every once in a while, I’m not in the room with the ID and I pick up. Usually it’s someone asking for my husband - by his full name, which he doesn’t use. I manage to get an emotional edge to my voice when I ask who’s calling. Then I say “He doesn’t live here any more - please stop calling.” I can just hear the caller getting flustered before apologizing and hanging up.
OK, it’s not like he’s dead or we’re divorced - he’s just relocated ahead of me. But if it stops the calls, all’s fair!
