First of all, you must know that this takes place in California. This wasn’t my joke either.
Friend 1: I think we’re going to take the boat up to the lake this weekend. But we might go to the ocean… I’m just not sure which one.
Friend 2 looks confused for a moment, then in that “Um, isn’t it kinda… obvious?!” voice, says: The Pacific…
Like many in this thread, it doesn’t sound that funny. But if you had been there, you would have laughed. Really.
My brother and some of his friends were visiting me when he was in college. Many beers were being consumed. Soon, Brian’s Song (the one from the seventies) is on the television. At the conclusion of the movie my brother says, “That wasn’t a very long movie.” Then I said, “Yeah, but Pic didn’t live very long.” I guess you had to be there.
I used to work for Al in the college bookstore. While I got along quite well with him, he continually had me rolling my eyes at his self-perceived comedic godhead.
I came in one day and could tell right away that he had been waiting all morning for an audience to spring his latest lame joke on. He started hopping across the floor, waiting for me to give the obligatory “Um, okay, so what the hell are you doing?”
He stared conspiratorially at me and whispered, “It’s my new electric underwear.” He paused for his great punchline, “I think I have a SHORT!”
Oh, ho ho, bwa ha ha you’re so funny, Al.
So for the rest of the morning I had to stand there while Al replayed the thing for every staff member who wandered by, until my eyeballs were practically orbiting my skull. I couldn’t take it any more…
“…I think I have a SHORT!”
I snapped, “A short WHAT?!” (You could see it coming)
I had to admit, it was pretty cool, for the rest of the day, to watch all the aforementioned staff bust out laughing every time they passed the store again.
From my days as a theater manager:
Man buys tickets early and I rip them in half and say “just bring the stubs with you at showtime.” He returns with his date and says “Do you want to see my stub?” I reply “Are you sexually harassing me?” This must’ve hit a bit close to home as the guy turned bright red and the woman began laughing maniacly.
Man brings his pre-teen sons to the show and when I ring him up he drags out the old saw “When I was a kid it only cost blah, blah, blah.” I told him “It costs more because there’s sound now.” His kids cracked up and said “BURN! Dad, she totally BURNED YOU!”
This was my wife’s doing.
We were watching the Two Towers extended version DVD, and the scene came up where Gandalf exocizes Saruman from the King. His face was all white and wrinkly, and then it fades into a normal-looking face …
And just at that second, my wife exclaims, “Oh, the miracle of Botox(r)!”.
I was on the floor … mind you, it wouldn’t make a bad commercial for that particular product! 
Dope the Halls III, 6 Dec 2003.
Hamadryad is eating whipped cream straight out of the container as one of her brood is passing by. Without missing a beat she beckons him over and gives him a hit off the container. Hamaspawn turns around to walk away, open mouth full of creamy white filling…
…as I pipe up “Wanna see my impression of my day at Neverland?”
We were gathered for our semi-regular session of D&D. The fearless party had fought their way through the dungeon, and had come across the abode of a necromancer (a wizard who specializes in undead). Since he was not currently at home, we did the natural thing: search through everything looking for loot.
Well, one player said he was searching under the mattress, which lead to the obvious question of what kind of pornography a necromancer would keep.
Without missing a beat, from out of my mouth came the words “What, you’ve never heard of ‘Ghouls Gone Wild’?”
Just yesterday, I had one I particularly enjoyed. Morelin and I were watching The Graduate. It was the scene where Dustin Hoffman is in the zoo looking at the monkeys, right after Elaine has left with the other guy. Simon and Garfunkel are singing “Scarborough Fair.” It cuts from chimps to a gorilla, then the camera pans to a bunch of people walking down the road.
Me: In an odd coincidence, all those people are actually going to Scarborough Fair!
I’ve posted this mefore, but it really is the perfect joke at the perfect time.
When I was working for a company the administrative assistant came in all smiles. She said, “Guess what, everybody? Chuck [her funeral director husband] got a promotion!” I said, “Really? How many people does he have under him?”
One time whilst hanging out with another 'Doper I turned to him and asked, “Is that a 1920s style death ray in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Muad’Dib! Daddy! At long last! (Sorry, I just had to say that.)
My perfect joke moment was uncannily like the OP. I was in a very full movie theater when the preview for “8 Mile” came on. As the music fades and Eminem’s name is fresh in everyone’s mind, I turn to the girl next to me and say, loudly and innocently “Eminem? Isn’t he that gay guy?” The entire theater cracked up. It was great.
Just before the Christmas holiday, my department head (a self-described Grinch) decides to let us off a whole two hours early (what a guy). So he comes out of his office to make his big pronouncement. Right at this moment, one of the guys happens to start mildly choking on his late lunch. As the Grinch makes his small spiel for letting us go, the guy starts coughing. Right at the wind-up, where he gives us permission to go home, I pipe up, "Thank you, Lord Vader!"
Everybody else, including the choking guy, starts laughing. The department head didn’t, but only because he’s never seen The Empire Strikes Back.
Someone at my brother’s work made a lame joke. He then said “No pun intended!”
My brother replied: “None taken.”
In High School, our track coach was a real ball-buster. He rode me and a few others particularly hard, making us run extra quarters and sprints if he thought we were dogging it during normal workouts. Me being a wise-ass did not help matters much, but it helped us all get through the day.
During an important week, we had two days of severe rain. He made as wait out the second day inside the equipment shed, hoping to get at least a half-hour on the track. So he was standing at the front, still holding his starter pistol while looking for a break in the weather. In a dramatic voice he asked out loud,“What did I ever do to deserve this?.” I could not help myself, I said to my friends (quietly) “What does this guy want, a list?” Several guys tried to supress their laughs, which made it even funnier.
Coach heard what I had said. He turned around, pointed the starter pistol at me, and popped off one of the caps. I know that may sound kinda harsh, but it was a great tension breaker at the time.
I was in a play of “The Music Man.” I was standing just offstage in the scene where the ladies are saying, “One Grecian Urn. Two Grecian Urns.” They stop the scene as I wander on stage and one of the actresses asks the director, “What’s a Grecian Urn?”
Without stopping a beat, I said, “About a buck and a half an hour.”
I know it’s mean, but, well, I’m mean.
Setup: Ex-bf is about 5’6", I’m 5’8", my Friend is 5’4".
random conversation
Ex (to Friend): “Shortie.”
Me: “You’re one to talk.”
Ex: “What, I’m average height.”
Me: “Yeah, for a chick.”
Sigh. It was funny at the time. And I actually like guys that are shorter than I am.
Needless to say, he dumped me a few weeks later.
Ha!
I shall not share any Roleplaying jokes. Although I have many.
I was out camping with a bunch of actor buddies. Much alcohol was consumed around the campfire.
Then one guy got it in his head to start running circles around us, just outside the ring of firelight. It was almost pitch dark, and the campsite was surrounded by trees, but we could just barely see his shadow beyond, and every now and then he would cut his circle, dipping briefly into the light before disappearing back into near-invisibility.
It was funny for a couple of minutes, but then there came that moment when the act transformed from funny random physical silliness to “look at me, look at me” attention hogging, and the group’s laughter became a bit strained as everybody wondered how we could get the guy to stop running around.
And just as I felt that shift, I called out: “It’s safe to come back to the fire, Cha-ka.”
A split-second pause as everybody has to think — who’s Cha-ka again? — and then everybody dissolves into laughter. And while it was too dark to see, apparently it hit the running guy so funny he doubled over mid-stride and crashed and burned.
Well, I’m not entirely certain as to the exact details of the conversation that led to this, but…
A bunch of us (that is, me and my friends) were out walking and one of my female friends was having a sort of mock-battle with my brother. For some reason, I remarked at some point that it should be harder for him to knock her over than vice versa, since women supposedly have lower centers of gravity.
My friend Caroline, who was still walking beside me chose that moment to contribute, “Well, yeah, we do have bigger asses,” or something along those lines.
Hardly missing a beat, I looked down over her shoulder and behind her, gave things a good study… turned back forward, innocently said “Yep.”
No, I didn’t get slapped, but if I had I would have deserved it.
Well, I guess you would’ve had to have been there.
My favorite story for things like this, though, is an incident that took place in a high school class a couple of years back. For background, one of the girls in this class had recently aquired a new boyfriend, name of “Adam,” and was rather moony over him. Though she is quite smart, she unfortunately can be VERY “blonde” at times.
During this class, for some reason Latin came up in the discussion. This poor girl was apparently drifting off somewhere else. When she heard “Latin,” her brain made enough of a connection for her to descend a bit from her cloud and say, “Latin? Adam takes Latin…” and then clap her hand to her mouth and say in disbelief “Oh my god, did I say that out loud?”
There was the requisite two beats of silence, and then I muttered, loud enough for the whole room to hear, “…I wish Adam was MY boyfriend…”
Pretty much the whole classroom broke up.
That poor girl.
Trigonal Planar
It is good to see that even though 1920’s Style Death Rays have caused untold pain and suffering, some people can still see the humorous quality in them.
Hubby and I were at a concert (my idea) one really hot, humid summer evening.
During the intermission, the very pretty first-chair second violinist plopped herself down in her seat rather carelessly, legs spread, giving our section of the audience an excellent view of her nether regions.
Of course, Hubby perked up immediately. As the violinist’s father raced past our seats to chide his daughter on her posture, I leaned over and said to my Hubby “I guess this is the right time to tell you how much I paid for these tickets”.