A long time ago, a friend of mine was the singer in a band playing their first gig in a dingy room above a pub in Dublin. The audience was mostly friends of the band and a bunch of kids from the pub downstairs, who were enticed up by a halving of the admission and outrageous (and completely unjustified) claims made by me about the quality of the band. The gig, surprisingly, was going rather well when my friend put his foot through the hastily constructed platform (milk crates and chipboard).
Without pausing for a moment, he said “sorry folks, it’s just a stage I’m going through”. The audience roared.
I haven’t seen him in years but I’ll always remember his delivery of that line. Pure class.
I was at a formal party when a young black guy introduced an older white guy and long-time family friend as “Uncle Shelly.” Someone said “Uncle Shelly” and I said “He doesn’t look Jewish.” Someone laughed so hard they had to leave the room.
There was also the time when the office’s pain-in-the-ass’s proctologist called and asked Mr. PITA to call “Dr. White.” The Big Boss, who had answered the call on speakerphone and knew a different Dr. White asked “Is that Dr. White the veterarian?”
And another time Ms. PITA got mad and started calling me a “Fucking Bitch” and I realized she was wearing a pair of FUBU jeans with a big “FB” on her ass. I went outside and laughed so hard I had to sit on the curb.
The year was 1987. The occasion was High School Graduation Ceremonies. It was a particulary windy day out on the High School football field for us. Everyone was battling the wind to keep the graduation caps and gowns under control. Our Salutorian, Dave, had just walked up to the podium for his speech, when his cap was blown off. Without even missing a beat, he said, “I hope you don’t mind if I remove my cap.” The audience just roared.
The janitor at our work was telling me and a workmate about all the stuff he finds when cleaning up. He remarked that he found a cigarette lighter under one of the soft-drink vending machine upstairs and I replied " Wow! smoking must really stunt growth for the guy to fit under there "
Little background first:
I am currently deployed to Iraq (Mosul) with the 101st ABN Div. Well as we are nearly finished with our mission (my specific section) we have a lot of free time. So we watch movies on a projector. Good stuff to pass time. Someone had sent predator in the mail so we decided to watch it.
AS we are watching predator we start to take note of some stock footage in the movie. Clearly some of the explosions and seens and what not. One of the guys starts to try and crack some jokes about stock footage. Not too funny ya know. .
Well, if you are familiar with predator you’ll know where this fits in.
AS one of the final scenes pops up on screen I, without a hitch, blurt out
“insert stock footage of Jamaican guy running down rocks” during the scene of the predator running down the rocks as you can see his shitlocks flowing the air.
Maybe you just had to be there, but it still amuses us to this day.
Had a very tough professor in college whose name was Dr. Jodz. His nickname, which he did not find the least bit humorous, was “the Jodz of Death”.
I walked into one of his final exams via a door that was right by the front chalkboard. I noted that someone had drawn a rather poorly rendered picture of a shark leaping out of the ocean, with the caption in large, dripping letters: THE JOZ OF DEATH.
I picked up the chalk and wrote a tiny letter “D” in the appropriate place. At that moment, I look up to see Dr. Jodz standing right there. He looked at me, looked at the chalk, looked at the drawing, looked at me again, and said “Are you responsible for this monstrosity?”
I assumed my best parade-ground attention stance and said, “No sir, only for the correction in the spelling.”
Even he was cracking up as he ordered me to take my seat.
In a government class in college, our instructor was discussing free speech and how pornography relates. For background, he told us the history of the definition of pronography, going back to old English law, where it was defined as anything “that would appeal to the prurient interests of the lowest member of society.”
In my best Butthead voice, I said, “Huh! Huh! He said ‘member’!”
I was at a sex toy party and it is nearly as good as a funeral or hospital bed side visit for nervous laughter. I went because, frankly, I knew I could get a few laughs.
The various toys are passed around and everyone was making amusing comments.
Then the anal beads came out for display to be passed around.
Nervous tittering. Whispering. What the hell did you do with these things? could be heard in a suddenly hushed room.
No one was really exactly sure what one does with anal beads. No one really wanted to show signs of such sexual ignorance. Including me.
One woman meekly asks and the Sex Toy Lady Person explains to us hopelessly repressed that some people enjoy having this rosary like device inserted anally.
We all went " Eweeeeeee." (Clearly there would be no sales in this toy tonight.)
Quiet little clots of discussion of " Then why are the beads and stringie thing white fer cryin’ out loud. That’s just gross." were overhead.
Then, the perfect line was delivered over a quiet room, " What if your husband falls asleep with it …uh…still in."
Without hesitating I make a pulling motion with my hand and pushing with my foot, (ripping it right out.)" THIS’LL teach you for hitting the snooze alarm five times a morning for the past ten years!"
There wasn’t a dry eye in the room for a good five minutes.
an older friend of mine was talking about how “the day the president was killed, we got out of school early” i replied, “oh, which president? Lincoln?”
oh just thought of another one, the boss was sitting in the break room leafing thru the k mart ad, said, “bacon, i need a hoe” i said, “um i think jane will be back in 15 minutes”
I posted this one as well a few years ago but I still think its funny.
The night my wife and I announced to our friends that we were expecting our first child a friend asked me if we would be filming the birth. I instantly replied that “my wife wouldn’t let me film the conception and I don’t think she’ll let me film the birth either.”
Some friends and I got caught at school doing something stupid - can’t recall what. The teacher that caught us was real upset and had a very stern face on. He gave us a dressing down and then told us we had to clean up all the rubbish in a certain part of the school that we were in at the time. He barked something like “… and if you don’t do it properly, I’ll refer it to the Deputy Principal!” to which my friend, Bob, immediately retorted “And he’ll do it, will he?” We all cracked up and even the teacher could not keep a straight face.