Tell Me About Your Friendships

In My Humble Opinion
21

When we had kids a whole 'nother social scene opened up for us. Well, for my wife mostly, but the people she’s made friends with have been fine by me. We live in an apartment building and have met a lot of neighbors who have kids also. One drawback is that this is New York City, so people tend to come and go. My wife gets sad when the girls develop friendships (as much as a 2 year old can develop a friendship anyway) and then the family moves away.

Before that, my wife made some friends at a sign language class and I had my bandmates to hang out with. People we shared experiences (ASL class, playing music) with became friends to varying degrees.

22

First, I have to say this is a really interesting thread, So thanks, Carlotta.

Do you feel you are good at making friends?
Not particularly. I’m fairly shy so I’m not one to open up to lots of people. I have one friend (see Florida friend below) with whom I instantly connected. We were like sisters about four minutes after we met. This was in high school though, probably about 14 years ago. Other than that, it takes a while for me to open up.

Do you have a lot of friends?
I feel good about the number of friends I have. The problem is that three of my four best friends lives out of state. However, my closest friend, lives about 10 miles away. Not too bad. I do have a “movie” group I hang out with frequently, but I wouldn’t classify them as close friends.

Do you feel you have the friendships you want?
Yes, I do. My friends mean the world to me and I value those relationships.

Do you have a best friend?
My best friend is my big sis, N.Sane. I adored her as a child and I greatly admire her now. But my other three friends would qualify as best friends also. They all meet a particular need. I was interested in those few dopers who mentioned a friend they don’t talk to all that often, but whenever they do it’s like no time has passed. One of my friends lives in Florida and we talk about once a year. Usually it’s something like a 3-hour phone conversation and it always feels like no time has passed. She’s an amazing person.

How do you make friends?
No particular technique. It’s usually a combination of circumstance and time.

What are you thoughts on the natures of your friendships in general?
I don’t have tons and tons of friends, but I’m very happy with the friends I have. Nothing to complain about there at all. Of course, I’d love to have more friends, but I’d rather have the few very close ones I have than a whole bunch of acquaintances.

23

Maybe for you, but generally speaking that couldn’t be less true. Starting a conversation with another member of your club or organization is easy, because you have at least one thing in common, but having one thing in common is no guarantee of friendship. I am in graduate school, I belong to a professional association, I run a Toastmasters club, and I have volunteered with numerous organizations over the years: there are plenty of people who I’m friendly with in those settings, but I have yet to make an honest-to-goodness friend through a club or organization.

24

Okay, addendum to my comment “is easy if you find making friends easy.” I guess. Usually it works out for me that person X likes singing and we’re both in a choir so we strike up a conversation. Then, I find out person X’s son went to my old university so we chat about that. Person Y overhears our conversation and it turns out her husband works at my current place of employment. I’d probably end up being friends with X because workplace friendships have been dicey for me. Almost all my friends are through some club or organization. Making friends while in charge of a club is next to impossible though.

25

I think you and I maybe just have different standards for/definitions of friendship. :slight_smile:

26

-Do you feel you are good at making friends?
I’m good at making acquaintances because I’m funny and more or less outgoing. I don’t really like people in general however so I don’t throw a lot of parties or offer my place up as a hangout. Basically I’m like Randel from Clerks who “likes gatherings but hates people”.

-Do you have a lot of friends?
I have enough of a social network that I manage to keep busy.

-Do you feel you have the friendships you want?
As I get older, I find that I have fewer of my real friends in close proximity but a lot of work and acquaintance type friends. They tend to be more transitory but some grow into real friends.

-Do you have a best friend?
That’s kind of a chick thing. But I do have a few I guess.

-How do you make friends?
I get involved with as many activities as I can where I can meet people, even if I go by myself.

-What are you thoughts on the natures of your friendships in general?

No, pretty much all the close lifelong friends you will ever make you will typically make in high school and college (maybe grad school). It is the only time in your life when you will be in a social environment where everyone is more or less the same age and background and you will all be sharing similar activities and growing together. These are the friends who invite you to their weding even if they haven’t seen you for five years. You will cling to these friendships for years because they remind you of your youth and your shared experiences being awsome (or excluded from those that are awsome).

As you enter your 20s and 30s, your friendships take the form of a loose social network of coworkers, old school buddies, acquaintances from your activities and other friends of friends. Your relationships will be more transitory - The funny coworker who you never see again after one of you leaves the company. The Kramer-esq neighbor who’s good for a beer on weekends.

As you get older, people get more focused on their own shit - family, career, pilattes class, whatever. So you don’t really have the same environment when you’re 22 where you and your five buddies hang out every weekend. Although some people do.

Really all guy friendship is based around you and one or two “wingmen” who are part of a posse of 5 or so guys (basically the number that will fit in the largest car one of you own). Usually you should have a really studly guy, a big guy, a funny guy, a sensitive guy (that everyone picks on so they don’t pick on each other) and a few randoms.

27

That’s interesting. I like people and hate gatherings larger than about ten people.

Extroverted introvert, I guess.

28

Let me say this before I continue: I’m not going to consider my (very long term) girlfriend in what follows. Yes, she’s the person closest to me and whom I like the most – but I tend not to think of her in the same sorts of ways that I think of people I’d call friends. Er, in addition to the obvious ways. While it would be accurate to call her my best friend, I feel that it would be perhaps disingenuous: the addition of love to an acquaintanceship forms a construction that is not really comparable to ordinary friendship, and which should be kept in a separate classification.

Not at all! I get along well with people as a rule, and meet those whom I might be friends with – but it never seems to go further than that. Coworkers on good terms are still coworkers.

No. Just one. Sort of. I’ve had plenty of coworkers that I’ve been on very good terms with.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, of course. Sometimes I whistfully think of what it would be like to have people to do things with, things that Colleen doesn’t like to do. But I’m pretty okay with the state of things being otherwise: friends are a whole helluva lot of work. (I am lazy.)

Nope.

There is no good way for me to answer this question. My best friend from childhood I met by chance; what friendships I’ve had since have been merely friendships of convenience.

I’ve achieved a good stance amongst my coworkers by being nice – by doing things for other people, maybe petty things, but things that add up. Bring people drinks every once in a while; buy them breakfast when you go out for something. Do them favors. This I learned from my father, whose skill in dealing with people I did not inherit. Were I only so lucky as my sister, whose tongue is golden: she could convince the venom out of snake’s teeth. At best I could coax a bite.

You could write a book on this, or a shelf of them: I’m not smart enough to begin to wonder about the nature of friendship. The nature of my friendships? You like people – you try to be around them – you try to impress them, to please them, to do favors for them, to have favors done – you identify with them and plaster their spirit onto your own. I can still recall what it was like to walk over to my friend Matt’s house as a child – desire to play with legos in a dusty basement. You can’t get rid of those feelings. But I’m not qualified to think about it.

29

I’m not sure I understand if you mean a friendship’s purpose, or what here. Could you please explain this one a little more?

30

I meant, is there anything you want to say about friendship, your friendships, the role of friendship in your life, etc. etc. that the other questions didn’t cover.