I haven’t done it myself, but my cousin began dating someone while they were both living in Toronto, then he took a job in Switzerland while she stayed in Canada. He was the one with the job and thus the residency permit (the Swiss are really stingy about handing these out), so they were kind of stuck. They got married in the US a few months later, which allowed them to start the paperwork to get her a residency permit as an extension of his. As soon as that went through, she moved to Switzerland with him, and they’ve been together there for about 2 years now.
It sounds as if he needs this move, and it sounds as if you’d be happy out there, too. He WANTS you to be part of his new life, that’s just something you’re going to have to keep remembering as you make progress towards joining him. I’m the independent one who nonetheless has “followed” my men around during my life, and I understand the frustration of not feeling in control of things. And I will say there are benefits to changing your mindset on things once in a while, such as taking the point of view that you want to go to him,rather than him taking you along.
I am now in the 4th month of being separated from my husband while we work in different states. Our first year of dating, we lived on opposite coasts and flew to visit each other. That was easier, cause dating at first has enough passion to carry through lots of stuff that wouldn’t be as enjoyable further in, hehe. But it’s not easy, period. It’s going to suck, no matter what you do. You can Skype and call and write, but there’s no way to make it easy. You just have to determine whether its worth it, and just do it.
Even after you get up ther you might feel resentment for a while, like its "his"place, not yours, his decision, etc. Butyou can let those feelings overwhelm you, OR you can chose to acknowledge them as growing pains and appreciate the rest of the life together that you will build.
I recommend the latter :). As the Buddhists say, sometimes it’s better to accept than to understand.
I’m half of a married couple that met via the Dope and started off long distance (first as friends, then obviously quite a bit more than that). The short and sweet summary is that it absolutely CAN work if both people are committed to it, really care about one another, and (perhaps most importantly) are both working towards a common goal of ending the separation from one another.
In our case, our relationship “officially” turned romantic in December of 2009, and we lived in our respective locales, 2,000 miles apart, until April of 2011. During that time, we managed to see each other about once every six weeks on average. We talked on the phone daily (I’d say minimum of an hour, often multiple hours), and we IM’ed a lot. Neither of us would consider ourselves phone people (my cell phone bill these days generally sees about 20 minutes of usage each month, if that’s any indicator), but we really enjoyed talking to one another, so we used the options that were available to us.
Emotionally, it was definitely hell. We occasionally questioned our sanity in continuing to pursue something that was so wrenching for both of us. But one of the things that I think was helpful was that we did often discuss how we were feeling. One of us might have been feeling the distance more than the other on any given day, but always making sure we were communicating about it helped provide support and perspective for both of us. This was particularly important during the times right after we’d had a chance to visit one another — having to say goodbye and re-separate was always the worst of it.
So I guess my advice would be to make sure you’re working toward a common goal, but never be afraid to question what you’re doing and why. Maybe one or both of you will realize that the amount of effort you’re having to put into maintaining the relationship isn’t worth what you’re getting out of it or being put through. Or maybe you’ll grow together as a couple in ways you didn’t or couldn’t have before you’d experienced the time apart. You’ll never know unless you try. Be selfish enough to evaluate your own happiness regularly to be sure that the sacrifice you’re making is worthwhile to you. And, good luck.
Thanks for all the replies! Reading these various perspectives has really helped me today. It is mostly a matter of attitude adjustment. Me being negative will hurt both of us and the relationship, and we’ll never know how it will work out until we go forward. He is not having an easy time with any of this either. He’s had a lot of personal issues in the time we’ve been close, which he believes, and I hope, this move will help him resolve. And I do want him to be happy and thrive in life, whether or not we’re together, and I don’t think he can do that here. I just have to focus on that and hope it goes well for him. I’ll be ok, myself, since my life right now is pretty great (low expenses, low stress, lots of friends and fun). In fact, how persistently unhappy he is being here, and the fact that he’s been talking about moving and I’ve been dreading it the whole time we’ve been dating (while simultaneously feeling guilty for being the only thing keeping him here for the past year of his life), is just about my only stresser. If he feels better immediately out there, it’s going to be a huge load off my mind.
One advantage, I think, is that I don’t have any particular goals or dreams to pursue. I don’t have a career, though I’m on an upward trajectory re: how much money I can bring in. I work to pay the bills, which I keep very low, (just need to get better at saving up money and beginning to invest) and enjoy my life. So 'following him around the country is no sacrifice at all, rather it sounds like an exciting adventure. I just have to wait a little while in order to have it responsibly.
Re: the seriousness of our relationship: we’re alike in that we don’t feel what we have together is easily replaceable (we’ve both met a lot of people, he’s dated a lot of people, and cared at all for hardly any of them). We’re heavily invested in each other, emotionally. If I felt like the day-to-day of this wasn’t worth the possibility of us having something stable long-term, it’d be over already. But we both can imagine spending our lives together. Marriage is something he brings up as a concept, but I don’t have any interest in ever doing it, and he is far too young to think about it for years, IMO. Anyway, I don’t bother to date anyone unless it’s serious. I’d far rather be single than put up with anyone who I didn’t think was awesome.
Also, my ‘lots of possessions’ was misleading. Only in comparison to him; he’s going out there with nothing more than what fits in a hiking pack and a duffel bag, and he barely owns more than than now that he’s sold both his cars. I have a cat, a dog, various necessities for having a cat and a dog, two end tables, a chair, a set of drawers, a large mirror, enough dishes and kitchenware for me and a couple guests, some books, and clothes and shoes (and a futon mattress I sleep on which I will be happy to leave behind!). All of my stuff fits in my smallish bedroom and one closet. I’m not jettisoning my crap, I’m old enough that I shudder at the thought at sleeping on someone’s couch and not having access to my shoe collection and favorite mug. Still, moving anything except my own body from PA to OR is going to take money and planning.
I had a relationship that started long-distance and continued that way for five years, we were in different countries so the opportunities to physically see each other were limited. We got together when we could, we emailed daily and had as much contact as possible. You can maintain a relationship where you have very little physical contact but you need to have the right attitude for it.
Being a whiny, clingy and needy person who expects the partner to be there for them, and to then end up resenting them for starting a new life and daring to enjoy it, well that is just a recipe for disaster. If he is depressed and needs a new start away from the city to help him deal with his depression then you need to accept it and support him. Without that, he will move away because that’s what he needs, not just what he wants, and you will lose him because your attitude will bring him down every time he talks to you. If you can’t be happy and positive for him, your relationship will be doomed and you’re better off getting out now rather than prolonging the agony.
Glad to see that you have found the replies helpful. Six months ago my wife and I put into action a plan we had decided upon a few months earlier - she moved back to NZ while I stayed in the UK to sell the house, so I could move back to NZ to join her. Basically, we could not be any further apart (distance and time-wise) from each other if we tried - unless I move to Spain. It is hard, but we are making it work, and the house sale is not yet on the cards. We can’t afford to make the visit yet, either way. But we have family and friends about at each end, too - she is staying with her mum, our daughter is here in the UK near me, our son is in NZ studying, and her sons and their wives are in NZ too.
We skype most nights (her morning) and use a chat app when I am at work and she is home. The inverted time difference (13 hours) is a bit awkward, but we cope. Emails as well. It is just a measure of commitment - after 23 years of marriage, we should be able to make 6-12 months VLDR work. It isn’t easy - we both have bad patches and have to be strong for each other at various stages.
But the decision to make it work is the critical thing - everything else follows from that. Was it easier because we have 23 years of marriage to rely on to carry us through - maybe. But on the other hand, the patterns of our lives were built around 23 years of togetherness - not having that can be hard: more-so for me, as I still go to work but now come home to an empty house, cook for one and see other people less (she is staying with her mother and has new work patterns and old friendships to re-establish).
rhubarbarin, your second post sounds much more positive, and maybe you just needed some time to digest things. Maybe a little more time will be beneficial, too. It’s starting to sound already like you will be okay.
If there is anything that usually describes me in a relationship, it’s whatever is the opposite of ‘whiny’. Reserved, maybe? I tend to keep all my emotions to myself and not ask a lot of questions or make criticisms until I’ve ruminated on it for months. I’m actually kind of proud I’ve been completely open with him about how I’m feeling, even though it’s a bummer.
But I need to be happy for him in order to be happy myself. I can’t just act happy and supportive for his sake, I need to feel it. I think I’ll get there. If I don’t, I’ll let him go. It just wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
I think if there’s a clear plan on how to be (physically) together again in the not-so-distant future and both parties are on the same page concerning those long term goals, you guys will be alright.
Otherwise it’s a death sentence to a relationship. A slow death, by starvation perhaps.
And remember long distance to not long distance is a massive upgrade but the other way around is a massive downgrade. Not to say the advice from those that have experienced the former isn’t valuable but difference in dynamic is worth noting.
Also, skype sex. Hey, it’s better than nothing.
FYI - I’m currently in a long distance relationship that didn’t start as one.
Maybe I should start my own thread. Meh.